I am Destined to Die

When I thought he was going to leave a mark on my wrist, Ju Shin-hwan got up from his seat.

“Now, you two calm down.”

As soon as Ju Shin-hwan put his hand on Simeon’s shoulder, it was as if a tense line snapped. Simeon, with a small click of his tongue, put my arm down and sat down. The calm expression was not that anger had subsided, but rather that the excitement had been broken. I meekly returned to my seat, knowing that I had only embarrassed him.

After a while, as the atmosphere softened further, Ju Shin-hwan gently spoke.

“Shin Ha-jae’s opinion sounds quite plausible to this old man.”

“Sir, then…”

“But it’s too dangerous to go into the rift alone. As you just heard, if a problem occurs within a rift above A-rank, it affects the reality outside the gate. It’s not just a problem for Shin Ha-jae.”

I didn’t think of that. When I closed my mouth with an apologetic expression on my face, Ju Shin-hwan smiled brightly.

“So, I think it’s a good idea to rework the plan, keeping Shin Ha-jae’s opinion in mind.”

I thought I was hearing something positive, but I was mistaken.

“I dismiss it, it’s an unnecessary waste of time.”

Simeon said in a calm, cool voice.

“One of the guards near the gate had a psychotic break yesterday. There’s nothing good about dragging out time because of the uncertain way.”

“Then shouldn’t we prepare more carefully?”

“I, the guild leader, decide who will enter the rift.”

Simeon’s claim was not unreasonable. In addition, as long as Ju Shin-hwan entrusted the request to the Apostle, it was Simeon’s authority to clean up the rift. I tried to take advantage of the fact that Ju Shin-hwan is the owner of <Blue Hope>, but I guess this is it. In the end, I can’t touch the secrets of Simeon even in <Blue Hope>.

It was when I gave up everything.

“Mr. Simeon.”

Mr… Simeon? I was surprised by the title that didn’t go well with him, and I was even more surprised by what Ju Shin-hwan said.

“I’m not asking you as a member of the Apostle, but as a client in this case.”

…what? The Apostle’s… member?

“The…. Apostle’s… member…?”

Did I just hear it wrong? As I opened my mouth blankly, Ju Shin-hwan lamented little.

“Gosh, didn’t I tell you?”

“No…not at all.”

“I’m sorry. Maybe because I’m getting older, I forget about many things.”

Ju Shin-hwan sat on the sofa and put his hand on his chest and laughed.

“Let me introduce myself again, I’m Justinian, the tenth apostle.”

I mean, was he allowed to say such an important fact like he’d forgotten to do the laundry?

I didn’t know this was what he meant by being indebted to the Apostle for a long time. Above all, I thought that a famous person with a famous face like Ju Shin-hwan would never be an apostle. On the contrary, anyone can wear a mask and be free from fame.

“I didn’t mean to deceive you. Shin Ha-jae.”

“Ah, yes….”

Yes, yes. I’m sure you’re not. You accept to meet with me because you were curious about who the person was who was sending emails to the Apostle with aggro in Simeon’s name, and you didn’t just want to have a three-way with Simeon and lock him in an ark if it was somebody who was doing some digging.

The back of my head felt numb and stiff, so I looked into the air and laughed in vainly. Regardless of whether he did or not, Ju Shin-hwan continued what he had been saying.

“By the way, Simeon. I want to do this with Shin Ha-jae. I don’t know his ability yet, but I think he’s a reliable person.”

“Based on what?”

“You know better than I do, Mr. Simeon, who worked with me, knows the reason better than I do. You never work with suspicious people, even a little bit.”

He had hit the nail on the head. Simeon, who was curtly replying, finally closed his mouth. Simeon, who had been thinking hard about something for a long time, immediately stood up from his seat and said in a casual voice.

“I don’t think it’ll be useful to tell you more, so I’ll show you myself.”

And with that, he stormed out of the room. As I stared after him in confusion, not knowing whether to follow or wait, Ju Shin-hwan stood up.

“Let’s go.”

“What? Where?”

“You’ll know if you go.”

They both said meaningful things, so it was impossible to tell where they were going. After that, I went down to the underground parking lot and got into Ju Shin-hwan’s car. I found it hard to talk, so I just stared at the scenery out the window in silence.

“Are you angry?”

“What? About what?”

“Because I didn’t tell you that I was an apostle.”

I thought you wouldn’t care about my reaction at all, but it was unexpected.

“Oh, it’s all right. Of course, I was surprised… Perhaps I would have hidden it, too.”

I smiled and shook my head, and Ju Shin-hwan blinked slowly, as if relieved.

I still can’t believe it. The fact that Ju Shin-hwan is an apostle. There may be no law that celebrities should not enter the Apostle, but Ji Shin-hwan did not match the image of the Apostle I thought. It was because those detached eyes seemed to have nothing more to wish for in this world.

“But why did you join the Apostle?”

The question came out of my mouth, bypassing my brain. I was about to add an explanation, wondering if it was too much to ask, but Ju Shin-hwan answered straightforwardly.

“This was the only place I could fulfill my wishes.”

“Wishe?”

When I tilted my head in wonder, Ju Shin-hwan said calmly.

“I don’t know what other guilds are like, but the Apostles are only made up of hunters who have ‘something desperately desired’. Each tries to achieve a miracle that is practically impossible through the power of the spirit.”

Something desperately desired. Suddenly, I remembered why Simeon created the guild. To erase memories about John, or… to die. Somehow, I suspected that Ju Shin-hwan had his own, not-so-lighthearted reasons.

“What do you wish?”

When asked carefully, Ju Shin-hwan touched the ring on his left ring finger without saying a word. Why is a bad hunch never wrong. I didn’t want to force the story about his deceased wife, so I shook my hand urgently.

“Oh, if it’s hard to answer…”

“No, I need to organize my thoughts a little.”

Ju Shin-hwan, who shook his head slowly, spoke in a quiet voice as if to himself.

“My wife was a reporter and a fan of mine. I liked playing in front of a lot of people more than anyone else. So I toured non-stop. My body was getting tired from travelling the world so much, but my wife was happy, so I deliberately increased the number of performances.”

Suddenly he looked up at me. The upturned corners of his mouth looked somehow sad.

“Now that I think about it, I don’t think she was genuinely happy. Whenever she saw me off at the airport, she seemed to be disappointed. She’s just sorry that I’m away often because of the tour, so I guess she pretended to be happy on purpose to ease the burden.”

What’s the use of knowing now, he mumbles, his voice dripping with regret.

“Then one day before the show started, my wife called me. Her voice sounded weird, but I passed it over because I was tired. But after the performance, I found that there were several calls from the hospital.”

“No way…”

“Fufu, it turned out that she called me even though she was in a car accident and was losing consciousness.”

His face, with its gentle smile as ever, felt strangely like he was crying.

“If I hadn’t just let go of the fact that my wife’s voice was weird, I could at least have kept it for the last moment. When I thought about it, I couldn’t play the violin because I felt guilty. Even after I got on the stage, my fingers were stiff and I couldn’t move at all.”

“And that happened during the performance?”

“Yes. It was a major accident. I’m probably the first professional to not be able to play a note for a minute in front of thousands of people.”

Haha, he laughed, the sound of it as hollow as his breath.

“I put down my violin for the last time that day. I didn’t want to see it again, so I even burned the violin that I had spent 10 years with. But…”

Ju Shin-hwan stopped talking and held my hand. His hands were shaking, but he tried to pretend not to notice. After a moment of hesitation, he let out the truth he had gathered in his heart with a sigh.

“At that moment, I awakened my abilities.”

Alas, why is fate so cruel. The moment you give up the most precious thing, it gives you an opportunity you never dreamed of. It seems to make fun of me, or it seems to force me to the surface of the water, which is sinking because I have lost the meaning to live any longer. As if I had lost my parents and met Heo-sang, Ju Shin-hwan opened his eyes to his ability and started a new life.

“As soon as I became an awakened, I began to study about the spirit as if I had been possessed by something. I felt like they would fulfil what I had to give up because reality was blocked by a wall.”

His dark, somber eyes gave him a flash of life.

“And at last I found it. How I can meet my wife.”

“How?”

“With a love song, <Seikilos Epitaph>.”

<Seikilos Epitaph> is famous for being the oldest piece of music in existence.

‘May you shine while you’re alive. May you never be sad. For life is but a moment, and time will call for its end.’

The lyrics, written in ancient Greek, have been interpreted by some as a hymn to the gods, and by others as an expression of grief over the loss of a loved one.

“It doesn’t matter what the origin is. What’s important is that the melody of <Seikilos Epitaph> reaches the soul. Although I don’t know where it is now because its whereabouts are unknown, there is clear evidence in the literature that it was played.”

“And you went into the Sado to find it.”

“Yes. If you work in the Apostle, you can learn about various spirits.”

Ju Shin-hwan bowed his head and looked at the ring on his left ring finger. His determination was felt in his unshakable eyes.

“I will find it one day. ……I will.”