I am Destined to Die

I made playful eye contact and smiled, and he quickly averted his gaze. If he was so shy at the mere sight of me, when would he allow me to touch him? I still had a long way to go to tame him.

Afterwards, I explained the rules of chess to him, step by step, and he nodded steadily.

“I think I’ve got the gist of it.”

“Already? It took me a week to memorise the rules….”

Somehow I felt resentful again.

“Then why don’t you play a practice game with me?”

“A practice game?”

“Yeah. The person who loses must answer the questions the person who wins asks. How about that?”

“…Okay.”

Innocent as he was, he had no idea that I was trying to use this game to rob him. As I placed the pieces in their proper places on the chessboard, I asked, out of habit.

“White?”

“…White?”

“Oh, because white can move first. Since you’re a beginner, I’ll give way.”

I gestured for him to go first, and he nodded grimly. He began to play chess with the same keen eye that he’d used to examine the cube. His concentration was so intense that I couldn’t believe he was a beginner, so I backed him into a corner without making any concessions. I couldn’t let him take away my hard-won opportunity to ask a question.

“Checkmate.”

“…Ah.”

I smirked as I knocked out White’s king with a jet-black look that mirrored his pupils. It was an easy win. But for a beginner who’d just been given a lesson, it was a sloppy play. It wouldn’t be long before he caught up, but for now, I’d enjoy the victory.

“Well, what can I ask you~”

I glanced at him, deliberately stalling, and he swallowed dryly, rolling his eyes nervously from side to side. To anyone else, you’d think I’d dragged him out for a hearing. Unable to hide the laughter that was bubbling up, I smiled and asked.

“What’s your name?”

“What?”

“Tell me your name. Because the teacher still doesn’t know your name.”

Not sure if he was disappointed or relieved by the trivial question, he let out a small sigh.

“…… It’s Heo-Sang.”

“Foreign characters? Hangul?”

“Seri sang….”

“Hmm. Sounds good.”

Illusion. The bittersweet, serene tone suited him, as calm as a winter sea.

“My name is John.”

“I know.”

“Huh? You knew?”

“Because the kids always say John, John, John.”

I couldn’t help but be pleased. I hadn’t expected him to remember my name when I thought he hadn’t the slightest interest in me. It was like realizing in hindsight that the cat that had always avoided my touch was actually waiting for me. My shoulders rose to the sky.

“Then Sang-yi~”

“Sang… yi?”

“Yeah. It’s Heo-Sang, so Sang-yi. Why? You don’t want me to call you by that name?”

“N, no…”

His hands, fidgeting on the chessboard, looked unusually small.

“So Sang-yi doesn’t have a baptismal name yet?”

It wasn’t a difficult question, I thought, but no matter how long I waited, the answer didn’t come. I was getting anxious, wondering if I’d touched something wrong, when Heo-Sang, raised his head stiffly and looked me straight in the eye.

“Wasn’t it one question per game?”

My head snapped up like I’d been slapped in the back of the head.

“Huh, uh, right, so I guess I’ll have to ask you again next week.”

“Nope. Just one more game.”

“Now?”

“Yes. Can I ……?”

What the hell? The kid who was so busy running away that I couldn’t even make eye contact with him a moment ago had suddenly become very dramatic. His eyes glowed like a puppy with a treat in front of him. I was pleased that he asked for mine first, so I complied, not realising that it was almost night.

“No way. I’m asking for a favour, and you’re supposed to give it to me.”

“I’m going to win this time.”

“But what if I miss the bus?”

“…You can just sleep over.”

He wanted to beat me that badly, but alas, Heo-Sang did not win. It was a month-long losing streak. Each time he lost, he never tired of fighting back. Well, the more I played with him, the more I learnt about him.

Seri Sang (霜). I was surprised to find out that he’s only 16 years old. He’s only one year older than me. I thought he was much younger than that because he was so small for his age. He also said that he wants to be a hunter in the future. When I asked him why, he said, “I don’t want to worry about money.” He replied stiffly.

On the other hand, Heo-Sang still couldn’t find out anything about me. He doesn’t even know that my real name is Shin Hajae. What will he say when he finds out that we’re only a year apart in age? He won’t be called “sir” anymore.

In any case, time flies when you’re playing chess with Heo-Sang.

“One more time.”

“Sang-yi, teacher have to go now….”

“Can’t you sleep over again today?”

He doesn’t hesitate to ask now. I sometimes wonder if he’s just trying to win the game or if he wants to know about me. Personally, I hope it’s the latter. Of course, I have no desire to lose. Still, his skills are quickly catching up with mine, which is a bit scary these days. Perhaps a week from now, I will lose for the first time.

“It’s too bad. This time teacher won again~”

I picked up the white king and hummed softly and Heo-Sang sighed.

“Now you don’t have anything to ask me, do you?”

“Eh, there’s still a while left.”

I clenched my jaw and thought for a moment, then spoke up.

“Then Sang-yi.”

“Yes.”

“Anything bothering you lately?”

I wanted to ask him about his day-to-day life, which I didn’t know because I don’t work at the nursery. I wanted to ask him how he was doing with his friends, how he was sleeping, and if he had any family problems. If I asked him a straightforward question, he might close the door on me.

But maybe I asked too soon.

“…Teacher.”

The answer came back unexpectedly.

“Huh?”

Let’s not panic too much. I’m paying attention, and it probably doesn’t mean anything.

“Haha, yeah?”

I didn’t want to make things even more awkward by asking what it meant, so I brushed it off, hoping that my quick exit wouldn’t make me look like I was running away.

Contrary to my worries that things might get awkward after that, Heo-Sang was the same as usual. In fact, we got closer. His wariness completely gone, he treated me like an older brother and relied on me. I couldn’t be happier, but there was a nagging feeling that this relationship wouldn’t last.

Still, life went on.

“Well, I’m afraid you’re out of luck again.”

We exchanged pleasantries over chess, as usual.

“Checkmate.”

I was the one who always won.

“How do you win every time?”

After staring at the chessboard for a long time as if he were playing a game of revenge, Heo-Sang asked with a sigh. To be honest, in terms of chess skills, he had already beaten me. But I had a way to make sure I never lost.

“I know your habits.”

“Habits?”

“Yes. I know what you’re going to do next, and that’s how I keep winning.”

For some reason, far beyond my expectations, Heo-Sang bushy eyebrows arched slightly.

“What are my habits?”

“Haha, I can’t tell you, because that’s how I win.”

I will never tell him but Heo-Sang has several habits that only come out when he plays chess.

First of all, he always holds his horse between his index and middle fingers. Watching his hands move swiftly to grab his pieces, I feel like a bird of prey snatching a fish that has just broken the surface of the water. Then, when he is sure of victory, he taps the chessboard twice, and that’s when I hastily move my king to avoid a dangerous move.

“I told you, chess is all about knowing your opponent.”

The corners of my mouth quirk up, and Heo-Sang shakes his head in incomprehension.

“Anyway, I can tell it’s you by the way you play chess.”

“…Don’t lie to me, it’s not that bad.”

“Seriously, even if you covered your face, I’d recognise you by your hands.”

I wasn’t exaggerating, because it’s not common to have thin, elongated fingers, even out of habit, and I know that Heo-Sang index finger has two tiny dots in a row on the third digit. However, this is something I discovered by accident while observing his chess-playing hand.

”You’re watching me more closely than the chessboard.”

To be honest, I’m looking too much. But isn’t it human nature to be drawn to beautiful things? I’m just being true to my instincts.

“Of course. I’m always looking at you.”

As I furiously rationalise and arrange the pieces on the board, I faintly hear muttering in front of me.

“Why the hell do you keep saying that…….”

“Huh?”

“It’s nothing, so what are you going to ask me this time?”

I thought for a moment, then changed my mind on the way.

“Hmm. I think I’ll save this question for another time.”

“What do you mean?”

“I want to ask about it later.”

Pretty soon, I wouldn’t be able to beat him at chess. But then, if I really wanted to ask him something, he’d say he’d only answer if I won. So, it’s an insurance policy.

Instead of asking question, I stared into his eyes, and he slowly averted his gaze.

“You’re so selfish.”

“Is that why you hate it?”

“……No.”

His cheeks were a pretty sunset colour today.