I Tried To Escape Through Death

“I have a question.”

“Say it.” 

“…Is Troxia a long way from here?” 

Now that House Troxia had all been wiped out, all that was left of Troxia was a lump of land. It was said that most of the inhabitants moved to different territories, and so the land was abandoned without an owner. 

I went on, pretending to be naïve. 

“I want to go there.” 

“…To Troxia?” 

“Yeah. Going there could bring back some of my memories.” 

Calix didn’t reply.

His face was so expressionless that I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. 

I wanted to take the time to examine him carefully, but I couldn’t. While I was glancing at him, we had arrived at the training grounds. At that point, I let go of Calix’s hand, which I had been holding onto this entire time. 

The commander of the knights, who recognized us despite the distance, shouted in a disciplined manner. 

“Greetings, my lord! Miss Rena!” 

“Greetings!” 

I stepped up to face the knights, who greeted us in unison. 

“I came because I heard someone got hurt.” 

“Ah, you mean Bennett. He’s this way.” 

While following the knight guiding me, I stopped and turned my head toward Calix, who was still standing next to me. 

“Thank you for bringing me here, my lord. I can go by myself from here.” 

It was a clear order for him to not follow me. 

Calix didn’t react much even though I had built a wall between us in front of his knights. He just smiled at me and said,

“Okay. I’ll see you at dinner, wizard.” 

And with that, his words shattered all my attempts of building an image of someone insignificant. 

***

Hertrio’s mansion looked more like a castle than a mansion due to its huge size. Based on the main gate with the central staircase in the middle of the mansion, there was an east wing, which was used for the knights and other people of the manor, and a west wing, which was exclusively used for the people of the Hertrio family. 

Among the rooms, Calix’s was at the very top of the west wing, which had historically been used only by the heads of the Hertrio household for generations. 

If you were to go out to the balcony by the window, you would be able to see the entire Hertrio estate in the distance. Sometimes, when I would leave the window open in his room after dinner, the winds from the mountain next to the mansion would blow through my hair in a pleasant way. 

My room was right next to Calix’s, and it was the room that had been used by the hostesses of Hertrio for generations. 

In other words, it was the duchess’ room. 

Upon arriving at the estate on the first day, I checked my room, and at that moment was able to understand the bewilderment of the knight who had listened to Calix’s instructions while we were still on the carriage. 

The room resembled Calix’s room, the head of the household. The structure of the room was similar as if it was symmetrical to his, and the furniture inside was of equal quality.

No matter how much I thought about it, it was quite too much to be a room for a hired wizard.

“…Isn’t it too much?”

When I carefully answered his question asking about my first impression, Calix asked me a question back as if something was wrong. 

“You’re going to use this room soon anyways, so why?”

It’s not like he didn’t know what the problem was. What should I do with him, who was pretending that he didn’t know anything as he stood in front of me? 

I didn’t have the conscience to point it out, so I just quietly accepted the room he offered. 

Now. 

Calix wanted me to have dinner with him on a regular basis unless there was anything special going on. 

I blurted out while looking at Calix, who nonchalantly placed some cooked perch on the plate in front of me. 

“What did people say?”

“What?”

The way he placed the baked potato with butter on my plate was affectionate. The way he walked up to me and placed a napkin on my lap was natural, as was the way he spoke to me in a way that made me feel like he didn’t know what he was talking about. 

“I mean, wouldn’t it be troublesome if word got out that the duke was living with a wizard?”

“Even if there were complaints, would there be anyone in Hertrio who would curse at the Duke of Hertrio?” 

Calix replied casually and took his share of the fish. I was sick and tired of that nonchalant attitude of his. 

“Since then, has His Majesty said anything?” 

“What did you want him to say to me?” 

He smirked. 

“That I picked up a girl and had to refrain from making out with her on the train?” 

“That’s not what I’m saying…”

“…If that’s not it.”

Calix lifted his head and locked his piercing blue eyes with mine. 

“…That I shouldn’t hire a wizard whose face resembled the face of the missing daughter of Troxia? That coward wouldn’t even be able to say such a thing to me.”

“You…”

“Your meal is going to get cold. Hurry up and eat. The chef’s perch is delicious.”

I raised my fork with a stony face at his deflective demeanour. The action of picking up pieces of fish off the plate was almost mechanical. 

As Calix had guaranteed, the perch was quite delicious, but at the same time, I couldn’t taste anything. Not the potatoes, not the bread, not the spinach. Everything was delicious, but it didn’t impress me. 

I eventually put down my fork after I had dismantled the innocent perch. 

“I have no appetite.” 

“Regina.”

Calix sighed and looked at me, wiping the corner of my mouth with his napkin. He took a bite of my meal with no hesitation after I declared that I wouldn’t eat anymore. 

While I was waiting for the maid to come and clear the dishes, I got up and paced around the room. Why was I so frustrated today? 

Was it because of Calix’s attitude when I had asked about Troxia earlier in the day? Or was it because of how intimately he had acted while we were around other people? 

‘Perhaps the frustration that had been accumulating since coming to Hertrio had finally exploded.’ 

Calix was still sitting down in his seat, not paying me much attention. Unable to contain my frustration at his attitude any longer, I opened my mouth to speak up. 

“Do you want me to stay like this, clueless and like a fool?”

“…Mm.”

“What…?”

I stopped moving at his unexpected answer. 

Calix raised his head and met my eyes. 

“Can’t you just stay like this? You’re comfortable and it’s good for you.” 

“I’m not comfortable at all!”

I shouted at him in the carefree daylight. Calix rose from his seat and walked towards me. 

“Then what do you want me to do.” 

Facing his momentum, I stumbled back without realizing it. He grabbed me by my wrists as he approached me. 

Fire seemed to be sparking out from his blue eyes.

“Don’t run away.”

He gritted his teeth. 

“Aren’t you lying to me right now because you want to be comfortable?”

“When did I lie…”

“No? Then what do you mean you’ve lost your memory?”

At his words, my whole body stiffened as if I had been struck by lightning. Calix smiled dejectedly at my face, which became stiff and unable to say anything.

“Look. Do you know what your face looks like right now?”

“…”

I pursed my lips, but no words came out. My mouth was dry. I couldn’t think of anything about my jet-black hair.

I couldn’t think of anything to refute him with. What he said was true, after all. 

Calix’s face, which I had barely looked at, was not looking at me; it was as though he wasn’t expecting anything. He let go of the wrist he had been holding onto and returned to his seat, talking quietly in an exhausted manner. 

“Don’t say that your memory has returned now.” 

“…”

His head turned. My gaze was locked onto the side of his face, unable to move. 

Calix had buried himself in his seat, and his profile looked exhausted. I watched his lips slowly open again. 

To hear his mouth finally say the finishing words, which were so poisonous that it came and lodged itself in my heart. 

“Then I’d have to face you, the one who had abandoned me and walked away from me without a care.” 

The wind from the open window flew between us during the meal. In the cool breeze, Calix’s words rang throughout the room.

“I’ve realized from deep within my bones that I mean nothing to you… so please just ignore me until the very end.”

Ah, this was all my fault. 

***

Calix didn’t look at me again throughout the remaining duration of the meal, and the maids had come to clean up the table. I didn’t have anything to say either, so I had no choice but to leave the room. It felt as if I had been kicked out.

The problem now was that my room was connected to Calix’s room. 

Even if I had been kicked out to the room next door, where there was a shared common area connecting our rooms, there was time to think. 

I hugged my pillow and buried deep into my bed. 

“…”

My heart ached as I thought of Calix.

The last image of Calix that I had, of him looking so tired and exhausted, could not disappear from my head. 

Above all, I hated myself for being unable to say a single word in front of him.

In the original work, Calix did not open his heart for a while, even while next to the female lead, because at that point he had already lost Regina for years. 

But it hadn’t been that long yet in this timeline. And he had also found me again. 

‘I thought it’d be okay.’

No. I’m at fault for being so naïve. I’m the one who was stupid enough to have thought he’d be okay with me, the one who had hurt him, right in front of him. 

But now he was telling me to not tell him that my memory had come back. 

“…”

I jumped to my feet in frustration. 

‘Let’s apologize.’ 

I didn’t even know what I would say, but I knew I had to apologize. 

As soon as I held onto the doorknob that separated my room and Calix’s room, an unfamiliar voice came from the other side of the door. 

“…I didn’t find it.”

‘Who is it?’

In an instant, I repositioned my body and put my ear to the door. 

I knew that it was rude to eavesdrop. 

‘Is this the right time to make excuses for myself?’ 

From the crack of the door came the voice of Calix, who sounded more tired than usual. It seemed like I was listening to someone’s report. 

“And the mansion?”

“The same.”

‘What mansion are you talking about?’ 

“However…”

The figure moved closer to Calix and whispered something to him, but that meant that I could no longer hear them. I furrowed my brow and brought my ear as close as I could.

‘I’m sure I’ve heard that voice before.’