I Want To Be Your First

Ariel bowed her head with a gloomy face. It didn’t matter if she was insulted, but she felt uneasy at the fact that a complete stranger would be criticized because of her.

She spoke carefully, but there was no answer. He just stood there staring blankly in her direction. In such situations, she wished that she could see their facial expressions. Amidst her complicated thoughts, a low-pitched voice rang out. 

“I’m grateful for your concern, but you don’t have to worry about that. The decision for our union was made under the judgment that our side would benefit as well. Who would dare to claim otherwise?” 

“Thank you for your consolation, but to conclude that…” 

“I didn’t accept you out of pity.”

At the calm and firm tone, Ariel closed her mouth.

“This marriage went forward with mutual agreement. I am the lord, and I made the decision to accept the princess. Any other opinion is insignificant.” 

A small sigh followed the words that poured out like rapid-fire guns.

Ariel looked at him, cowering at his urgent tone. An ambiguous silence lingered between the two of them.

“Okay.”

It was Ariel who eased the mood first. She spoke quietly, while fidgeting with the cane in her hand.

“There’s no need to worry about things in advance. I will believe in and follow the words of the Count. You said the wedding is next week, right?” 

“That’s right.”

“It would be good to settle personal affairs beforehand. I hope that we can get along in the future.”

With the hem of her dress in one hand, Ariel bowed deeply. At her movements, the strands of her ebony hair gently brushed the edge of her hazy vision, before disappearing. After her graceful greeting, she held her cane and straightened her back.

As if she was watching a shadow play, his red silhouette was looking down at her in the same posture as before. Ariel continued her words while making eye contact with the silhouette. 

“If there’s nothing more that you need let me know, may I go first? I came to meet the Count as soon as I had arrived, so I have yet to unpack my luggage.”

As Berthwald nodded her head, Ariel bowed her head politely. Ariel gazed at him with her unfocused eyes, before turning to leave without a backwards glance.

The silky locks of ebony fluttered gently as she moved, leaving only the sound of tapping the ground with her staff. Ariel skillfully wields her cane, and exited the office clumsily, as if she could not see. With a click, she closed the door and after making sure that no one was in the hallway, Ariel glanced at the cane in her hand.

Today, the familiar sound of her cane made her feel exceptionally miserable.

***

Not everyone was born in the right form.

In some cases, they are born with an abnormal number of fingers or toes, a twisted body, or despite the fact that they were missing organs. It is a natural truth, but most people forget about it. 

The reason for this was simple. Such children did not exist, because they died in one of the three cases — before their birth, at their birth, or after they were born. A vast majority of Imperial citizens could not afford to live with a disabled child. They also viewed children with disabilities as a cursed existence.

Ariel might have found peace at birth without needing to endure a hard life, if she was born with a noticeable handicap. Unfortunately, Ariel’s visual impairment was a disability difficult to identify immediately, and the Duchess of Aegis merely thought of her first daughter as a lovely and beautiful newborn, with her ebony hair and pale skin. 

Half a year later, when the fact that the child had a problem with her eyes was discovered, it had already been common knowledge that a princess was born. The life of a princess who couldn’t die was much tougher than expected.

The only reason Ariel’s life wasn’t so gloomy was because of her loving mother.

“Ariel, others do not get to decide how you live your life. If you think you are happy, you’re happy; if you think you are unhappy, you’re unhappy. Which would you prefer to be?”

It was a simple question, but Ariel noticed the hidden meaning behind her mother’s question. Her mother was asking Ariel if she had the determination to be happy.

And the clever girl chose the answer her mother had hoped for.

“Ariel wants to be happy. I want to be a person who can laugh everyday, like my mother.”

She wanted to laugh. Rather than hating others, she learnt to forgive and understand. By cutting and slashing her heart, she became a humble person.

…Will she become happy?

She used to think that she would definitely become happy, but now she has become unsure. 

Can she be happy on her own in a place without her family by her side?

“The bride, Ariel Aegis.”

Ariel reflexively raised her head at the sound of a voice that cut through her thoughts. 

Through the white veil, she could see a grayish silhouette looking at her. With a pointed hat and holy relic in hand, the identity of the gray figure was apparent. 

A bishop from the church.

At the realization that she was currently at her wedding, Ariel quickly pushed aside her internal musings. The bishop gave her an awkward look, before repeating in a voice that was a pitch higher.

“Does the bride, Ariel Aegis, swear to abide by the oaths of matrimony?” 

“Ah, yes! I do.”

She replied straight away, and a pale yellow light rippled through his gray silhouette. 

The yellow light symbolizes reassurance, warming her up each time she looked at it. Ariel let out a small sigh so that no one could hear.

“Berthwald Janssel, do you also swear to abide by the oaths of matrimony?” 

“I do.”

Nodding his head to the uninspiring answer, the bishop quickly carried out his duties, such as the exchange of the written oaths and wedding rings, and the explanation of the moral norms of marital life. And finally he instructed them to face each other. 

Ariel turned towards Berthwald, while pushing aside her heavy dress. A bright red silhouette filled her hazy vision. 

Although she had seen his silhouette often during wedding preparations, the impact was more intense when the blood-red color was so close. While suppressing the feelings of intimidation, Ariel bowed her head slightly as the bishop had instructed.

“You may remove the veil now. From now on, you must face each other sincerely, without falling for lies or temptations.”

Compared to the hands of others she had seen, his hand was much bigger and larger. 

Ariel, who watched him lift the veil, wondered why was she recalling her past suddenly. 

After this wedding, she will no longer be Ariel Aegis, but Ariel Janssel. 

She was confident that she would still be able to live a bright life even if she surrendered to her fate, but in reality, it seemed that was not the case, seeing as how the confidence that once filled her, evaporated without leaving a trace.

Will she be able to live in a place without her mother or other family members? The worries and concerns filled her mind endlessly, making her feel infinitely depressed.

“Princess, please hold my hand.”

With a lowly ringing baritone, a large hand held Ariel’s as he slowly led her to the center of the chapel, keeping his gaze forward. Petals filled the air, as the sound of the organ resounded magnificently. Beyond the applause that faded into the background, the sound of a very soft cry reached Ariel’s keen ears. It seemed to be a familiar voice.

“The Duchess must have been very fond of the princess,” he said.

Ariel flinched at his voice that accurately guessed her thoughts, and her hands stiffened. 

“That weeping sound… might not be from your mother?” 

After a moment of agonization, Bertwald answered in a softer voice.

“How should I answer to comfort you?”

Torn between the urge to smile or cry, Ariel had a strange expression at his somewhat mocking tone. Without replying, she turned her gaze towards the direction she heard the sob. However, it would be unreasonable for her to find her mother in the crowd. 

She never thought that she would cry at a place like this. Because her mother has always shown only her bright side to her. Only now did she suspect that the bright image she showed may have been just a form of consideration for her. Her mother was always considerate of her. 

Her mother, who always regarded her as a sore finger. Her mother who objected to her marriage till the very end with her younger brother. Her mother, who embraced all of Ariel. Her mother, who always gave her love in a calm pink colour. Her mother, who was always on her side. 

[Editor: sore finger refers to a child that the parent is especially worried about]

But Mother…

‘As you know, I don’t get unhappy easily. I’m much better at finding things to be happy about than unhappiness…Because that’s what you told me.’

“Excuse me, Count…” 

“Yes, Princess.”

“After time passes and I’ve adapted to the estate, at that time… is it alright for me to invite my mother to visit?” 

After a brief silence, the answer was returned somewhat apathetically.

“Do as you wish.”

It was a blunt answer, but for now, that was enough.

Through the door of the chapel, a bright white sky could be seen. The white sky that always stays there and connects everyone. In any case, they were all underneath the same sky, so what difference would there be between the Duchy and the County?

Even if you’re sold into a marriage without affection…Even if your partner has no feelings for you. 

Adding one misfortune to an already unhappy life doesn’t lead to an endless abyss. 

No, so what if you fell into the depths of despair? 

It was also the easiest way to find happiness. If you have already reached rock-bottom, it would be easier to find happiness from the smallest of things. 

Ariel gripped the hand she was holding tightly. His body heat was delivered to her through the large hand she held. Leaning on the warmth, Ariel slowly closed her unseeing eyes.

I’m getting married after a lot of failed engagements, so please…

…Please don’t let this man abandon me.

She repeated this budding thought soundlessly.

***

After the wedding, Berthwald and Ariel headed southwards.

The rumored majestic appearance of the southern jewel, Pahar, awaited it’s owners in the County ruled by the Janssel family. The sound of the waves crashing onto a vast beach was like a lullaby. After a few days passed by busily trying to adapt to the warm southern climate, Ariel had a dream. 

…She always had dreadful premonitions that led to unfortunate events and accidents.