Lack of Love

“Okay, you can leave now.” Yan Hao looked at his trembling subordinate, reflecting on whether he had done something wrong, his expressionless face.

He had been on medical leave for nearly half a year and, after being told by a psychologist that his daily life was unaffected, he immersed himself in work again, purely out of habit. Just like needing to eat and sleep every day, it was unimportant but necessary. However, for him now, everything he did felt tasteless.

Recently, he noticed that since his return to the company, although the company’s performance and efficiency had improved, the employees became extremely fearful of him. At first, he didn’t pay much attention to it until HR reminded him that the company’s resignation rate had been abnormally high for the past three months, exceeding the normal range for a company. In order to inherit the family business, he had been learning management since childhood and naturally understood what that reminder meant. Excessive employee turnover was not a good sign for the company.

The investigation results showed that the problem originated from himself.

Some employees felt he was indifferent and lacking in empathy, while others believed he was too harsh, as if he was deliberately making it impossible for them to meet his expectations.

 He however felt that his current work style was not much different from before, but he couldn’t figure out the reason everything was in shambles.

At that moment, the phone call rang, and his secretary reminded him of a dinner appointment with the wealthy heiress from City A at 6 o’clock in the evening.

Yan Hao responded with an “okay” and then hung up the phone. He understood that this was arranged by his mother, with the excuse that he should have more interactions with people, but it was actually a blind date. He didn’t say no only because he didn’t care. Since the accident, his emotions hadn’t fully recovered, and even his perception of people’s emotions had become dull. Even if he wanted to care now, he couldn’t bring himself to.

He finished his work for the day and left the company at the designated time to attend the unanticipated dinner.

The girl was dressed beautifully, the kind he used to like or appreciate, but he couldn’t remember it too well anymore, couldn’t recall that feeling of excitement.

Expressionless, he nodded to the girl, who didn’t mind and instead smiled brightly at him, her eyes sparkling.

Out of courtesy, Yan Hao knew he shouldn’t be so indifferent, but he also didn’t want to force a smile. It was just a matter of duty, having a meal, chatting, and then leaving when the time was up.

As time passed, the girl’s smile gradually disappeared, and he himself even felt clearly that this dinner was extremely dull.

Before it was time, the girl excused herself, saying she had something to attend to.

This was probably the sixth or seventh failed blind date in the past six months.

Even though he found it uninteresting, he hadn’t given up on trying. Even if it was just a glimmer, he wanted to experience that feeling of being emotionally moved by someone else again.

After returning home, Yan Hao’s mother immediately asked about the dinner with the wealthy girl from City A.

His answer was always the same, “No feelings.”

He would be respectful and obedient to his parents, only because of a sense of responsibility and moral conscience, so as not to become an inhuman robot.

Yan Hao’s mother sighed as she turned to her husband, “Did I do something wrong?”

She was just an ordinary mother. When she first found out that her son was gay, she was extremely angry and directed that anger towards Zhong Qiran. During that time, Yan Hao had explained more than once that Zhong Qiran had saved his life and how much he meant to him. But she couldn’t accept it completely. She didn’t think that repaying a life-saving favor required sacrificing her son’s entire future. She was angry and said something harsh to Zhong Qiran, “If you want my son to repay you like this, I’d rather you let him die back then.”

Zhong Qiran couldn’t say anything in response, but it was Yan Hao who got angry. The next day, he moved out of the Yan family’s house and asked his secretary to handle the marriage arrangements for the two of them abroad to prove his seriousness. From then on, his parents no longer bothered him, until the accident happened.

Yan’s father looked up from the newspaper, “You’re not wrong, but he just doesn’t like it.”

“I also hope he can change,” Yan’s mother said. “He wouldn’t, he wouldn’t…” Even if she was open-minded, she couldn’t bring herself to say the words “homosexuality”. Over these four years, she had let Yan Hao do as he pleased, hoping that one day he would come to his senses. And now she had waited for this day, but she couldn’t bring back the son she once knew. she turned to Yan’s father “Are you really that indifferent?”

Yan’s father replied, “If I were indifferent, I wouldn’t have allowed you to act out.”

Yan’s mother was indignant, “I didn’t act out, I just hope he walks the right path.”

Yan’s father remained silent and continued reading his newspaper.

 

Later that day, before Yan Hao returned to his room, the butler called out to him and asked in a low voice, “Young master, how should we handle the things you left in the warehouse?”

Yan Hao genuinely couldn’t remember, “What things?”

The butler replied, “The things you brought back from Mr. Zhong.”

Yan Hao thought for a moment and remembered. He did send someone to retrieve his things from Mr. Zhong, but after they were brought back, they were placed in the warehouse and he hadn’t even looked at them since. His intention at the time was simply to understand his usual hobbies and habits better, not to make any attempts to salvage anything. However, his mother found out and was afraid that he would reminisce and have a resurgence of old feelings, so she instructed the butler to put everything in the warehouse and deal with it another day. The butler didn’t dare handle Yan Hao’s belongings without permission, so they were left untouched until the recent warehouse cleanup when the butler remembered the matter.

Recalling his original intention at the time and feeling helpless about his current situation, Yan Hao thought it wouldn’t hurt to take a look. Even if he remembered now, he didn’t have much of an impression of Mr. Zhong anymore. “I’ll go and take a look.”

The butler led the way and opened the warehouse door, then pointed to the boxes stacked in the corner.

Yan Hao looked over and saw three large boxes. In reality, it wasn’t a lot, but for him, it was already quite a bit. People who knew his habits were aware that he didn’t like keeping unnecessary things. If he didn’t need them, he would either get rid of them or give them away. After the accident, this minimalist style became even more pronounced.

Following his instructions, the butler opened one of the boxes, which contained everyday items that were clearly a matching set. Yan Hao glanced at them briefly and then opened the other two boxes. In one of the boxes, he found a photo frame with a picture of him and Zhong Qiran. Zhong Qiran was smiling happily in the photo, while Yan Hao had a faint, gentle smile and a tender gaze towards the camera.

For the current Yan Hao, this was very unfamiliar. At least he couldn’t recreate the same expression anymore.

The butler noticed that Yan Hao kept staring at the photo and couldn’t quite grasp his meaning. After all, ordinary people could use facial expressions to express their inner thoughts, but Yan Hao, who showed no emotional reactions, was completely inscrutable. “Young master…”

“Leave it for now,” Yan Hao said without looking at anything else. He took the photo frame and walked out. As he passed through the living room, he casually placed the frame behind his back, preventing his parents from seeing it.

Yan Fu and Yan Mu seemed to be discussing other matters and didn’t notice Yan Hao’s small gesture.

Once back in his room, Yan Hao looked at the photo over and over again. He vaguely remembered that this photo used to be placed on top of the television at his and Zhong Qiran’s house, but he couldn’t recall when or where it was taken.

He didn’t know why he instinctively took it with him, but he felt that this photo should be kept somewhere he could see it.

Suddenly, he wanted to understand what kind of person his past self was and why he could smile so tenderly. That expression seemed genuinely happy, as if willingly indulging in it.

After looking at it for a while, Yan Hao picked up his phone and dialed Zhong Qiran’s number, only to find that it had been disconnected. Without any hesitation, he re-dialed his assistant. “Help me find out where Zhong Qiran is. Is he still living at the same place?”

 An hour later, the assistant called back, “Mr. Zhong left for Country M last month.”