My Ex Is My Bestfriend

It took me some time to digest his confession. I was confused, shocked, dazed and angry, very very angry. And yet, he was looking at me like the way he used to before, when we were still a couple, like the break up never happened. Delusional.

Okay, but what the hell was all of that? I really don't know if I should believe him, or maybe this is some story he made up in his drunken state. Okay, better clear this with him now.

"Ethan, what are you trying to say?"

"I don't know. I guess that's just that. You know Cass, my life has been in chaos since we separated. And I don't know why, but all I know is that I need you."

I was angry. I am angry. "Ethan, you're saying you need me now? When did you realize that?"

"I believe when I started a relationship with Cara." He combed his fingers through his hair, a sign that he's frustrated. "I didn't want to acknowledge it that I haven't gotten over you. I didn't want anyone to know that I still have feelings for you. I want them to see me as someone who has moved on and is going very good in life. I tried very hard to believe that. But when I met you again, all of that were gone with the wind. I really, really want to be with you again."

This is not the Ethan I know. This long conversations, this window to his true feelings, I have never seen this before. I don't know what to believe anymore.

"Why didn't you tell me this before Ethan? Why now?"

"Because when I saw you with someone, so intimate, something just snapped in me that I wanted to take you back."

The audacity of this guy to say that he can take me back. I'm frustrated, disappointed and angry at this f*cking situation. "Ethan, for the record, this is the first time I heard you say that too many as a confession. And I want to inform you, that all of this you're saying, doesn't matter anymore. Because where I am now with my Minho, I am happy. I am happy that I found a love I never deserved but still cherishes me. If you had said this before, I may have given in. But even then, I won't go back to that life. I want where I am now."

"I know. And I'm so stupid to believe that I don't love you anymore. I realized it's too late but I still tried getting it out to you." He sighed, a defeated sigh. "I wanted you to know, and I wanted to know if I still stand a chance."

This is not the Ethan I know. And that sad tone deflated my anger a bit. "Ethan, I'm really sorry. I don't feel the same way anymore. Yes, I do still love you, but it's in a friendly category now. I care about you, like a friend, a special friend. You are still special to me because you have been a wonderful part in my life. But to be in a relationship with you, I don't think I can do it anymore now."

"I know Cassidy. And I'm sorry for being such a jerk and an asshole during these past days. I really don't know anymore how to be with you. I thought sleeping with you was the only way I could be together with you."

I inhaled sharply, "What the-"

"I know I know. And that was a shit thing to do."

"Ethan we're friends. So if you invite me to dinner or movie, I would gladly go."

"Yes I know. But I felt that you were always angry with me, and the only way I thought to greatly appease you is either that or food."

"Well, I can't deny, you were good."

He laughed, a genuine laugh. "I knew it!"

I laughed too. It's good that we're getting all our feelings out. This is the best for both of us. "You know, the reason I always feel angry was because I always felt that I was your go-to-s.e.x girl or something. You just look for me because you wanted to satisfy your needs. And I so, so like to get away from that, but I wanted to be with you. And that's the only thing I thought to let you near me."

"Huh, if I had reached out to you before, if I were not such a jerk and asked if we could try again, would you agree to it?"

"I... Maybe I would say yes."

"Even if I.. we.."

"Yes."

"But I feared of your future."

"Ethan, I became pregnant just a month before graduation. Nobody would know, and it really won't be obvious, you know that. You're a doctor."

"Yeah. That was so scary to think that we were both becoming parents after we decided to stop having s.e.x."

"Yeah, and you were afraid that your parents would kill you if they knew."

"Yeah, maybe that's what I am afraid of."

"But if I continued with the pregnancy, would you still be there for me?"

"Looking back, yes I would. Believe me, I made that, we made that. And I can't bear to see you carry all that burden when in fact it's my fault. If only I had withdrawn a little earlier, it wouldn't happen. But I stand at what I said, I would still be with you no matter what."

"And I took things in my own hands. I assumed you would leave me."

"I'm really sorry for not explaining it to you."

My anger rose. "Oh yeah. Because if you weren't just silent when I gave you that news, I shouldn't have decided to kill our child! I gave you time to think, and you left me for one f*cking week! Did you know how sad and abandoned I felt? But I wanted to be with you, and to do that I need to get the child out from the equation. F*ck! I chose you! And what did I get in return, you breaking up with me! Now you tell me that you'd still support me after that."

He cried. And I was baffled. Does this topic still affect him. And then I noticed, I was crying too. As all my emotions burst forth, I can't stop my tears from falling. And all that memory of losing my child came back to me.