One Night, One Day, One Year, One Lifetime

Chapter 13

My divorce with Jiajing occurred without surprise.

It was also unexpectedly smooth-sailing. Jiajing and I had a mutual, tacit understanding. We both knew that it was impossible for our marriage to continue.

Jiajing’s parents were over the moon. When their eyes landed on our certificate of divorce, it was as though they had been granted amnesty against a heinous crime, or were finally freed from association with a potential terrorist.

Jiajing’s mother held onto Jiajing’s elbow as her eyes scrutinised our letter of divorce. ‘Thank Heavens you’re finally free from such a man. When we reach home, I will definitely offer an incense to the Buddha and pray for you to never have any dealings with him again.’

Jiajing smiled awkwardly at me, apologetic for her mother’s rudeness, but I did not take offense. Only, I still did not understand what I had done for her mother to view me as the vilest poison as she hurried to severe all association from me.

She had only known from Jiajing that perhaps, some part of my mind was ill, and that such an illness had affected Jiajing’s happiness. That was all. This was not a great deal, for I had never done anything atrocious, never hurt a person nor displayed any signs of wanting to do so.

My mother began to cry in front of me. Her sobs were silent, and quietly, she wiped away her tears. She was old in age, her face lined with wrinkles. She used her sleeves, which had been washed countless times till the colours had all faded into white, to wipe away her tears, and soon, her sleeves were also damp. Yet her tears continued to fall from her eyes, just like an unending waterfall.

I bent down. I said, I am good, there is no need to worry.

My mother nodded, but her tears continued to flow, as though there was no reason to them. Maybe she was only worried for her child, a man who had gone through two marriages which had both ended in failure.

I had already moved into He Yujin’s house. Ever since that day, I had been living there. I had also sent her photo to the photo studio, and their skills were as exceptional as I thought they would be. Although some marks were still faintly visible, on the whole, He Yujin’s smiling face remained incandescent.

I said to He Yujin’s photo, ‘Do you know what I’ve done today? I’ve divorced, so, I have nowhere to go for now, and our home happens to be a good place to live.’

After I said these words, I used the glass He Yujin had bought for me when she was still alive to take a sip of water.

***

If I were to be honest with myself, after my divorce, I felt liberated, as though a crushing weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Perhaps, all along, I had been maintaining this marriage out of a stubborn heart filled with a motive in mind. Other than the few days before this marriage, I had been very tired all this while.

Now that I had divorced, I had not expected that I would feel so relaxed.

I wore my pyjamas of the past and paced around He Yujin’s room. I placed my laptop into the study room, moved my clothes back to the bedroom, then arranged my toiletries in the bathroom. The bathroom rack was stacked with five or six pale blue towels the way they had always been, and I could absentmindedly reach for one of them after I showered.

I bought new things for the kitchen. This would allow me to pacify my hunger. Occasionally, I would cook, wearing my loose and comfortable pyjamas as I prepared the food. What I loved most was still soy sauce noodles. I followed the instructions on the recipe book as I cooked. I found this book from He Yujin’s bookshelf, and the noodles which I made tasted similar to what He Yujin had prepared, so I guessed that she must have learned to make them step by step from the book.

Often, on Saturday mornings, I would sit on the mahogany couch as I read the newspapers. The slanting rays of the morning sun illuminated the room, its glow intense and bright, just like a bar of metal which had been melded into liquid on an assembly line, as smooth as the flowing waters of a river.

In front of the mirror, I knotted my tie. I was living with He Yujin as though we were friends. Yes, as though we were friends. We could not touch or interact, but I could feel her presence all around me, and sometimes, I was also secretly delighted by this relationship. Suddenly, I felt that we should have lived in harmony just like that.

In early summer, I headed out for a business trip, for my department had been assigned to inspect a machinery factory in another province. If everything went according to our expectations, we would be signing a contract with them.

Alone, I prepared my things. The trip was not to a far-away place, but I needed to prepare everything fully.

After I finished my preparations, I was a little tired, and heard a sentence escape my mouth. I did not know if it were a mere figment of my imagination, but I knew I heard it. I heard myself say, ‘He Yujin, the dinner you’ve cooked last night isn’t good. And you’re with child now, so you can’t stay in the oily and smoky kitchen. When I return, I will hire a housekeeper for you. When I’m gone, you must think of me.’

Then, I fell asleep. I slept deeply.

I nearly missed the time of boarding, so it was to be expected that I would forget the words I had said to her before I slept.

If I still remembered them, perhaps I would have admitted that there was truly something wrong with my mind, for I was hallucinating that I continued to live with a person who had already died.

The inspection of the factory went smoothly and was completed within three days. Later, my co-workers suggested that we should delay our return to tour the place for another day. I agreed.

That day, my spirits were high, and even my energy was uplifted. I did not know if to a normal person, they would ever experience a feeling similar to the final explosion of brilliance from a dying sun, but if I had known beforehand my ending on that day, perhaps I would admit that my liveliness then was just the final bursts of energy in my life before I ceased to exist.

Here, the province was overlaid with beautiful scenery. There were ancient towns, historical remains, and even some natural landscapes. All of them were unique in their shapes and overwhelming in their myriad of differences. We strolled for nearly an entire day, and everyone agreed that we had not made the trip in vain.

At dusk, we boarded our bus and headed back for our city. Sitting next to me was a young girl around three or four years old. She was dressed in a pink dress and wore a red headband. When she smiled at me, twin dimples deepened across her cheeks.

On the bus, I quickly fell asleep. The final burst of energy within me should be ending soon.

When I was jolted awake, the bus was currently advancing at full speed as it spun and rolled over, the shrill screams of all the passengers ringing through the air, a piercing cacophony of terror. But I was incomparably clear-headed, my eyes wide open as I took in all that happened before me.

I was not afraid of it all. Instead, it seemed as though I had been waiting for this.

The lower half of my body was crushed by something heavy, and an undulating pain engulfed my senses. Within the bus, the wails of the passengers accompanied the sound of glass shattering, mingling with the shrill whines of metal deforming under pressure.

I did not know why, but I continued to smile.

Very soon, the ambulances and fire brigades arrived. Our bus was trapped between the road and a large tree as it tottered, on the verge of collapsing off the highway, making it an extremely difficult task for them to carry out the rescue operations. Each time someone was brought to safety, the bus would slide back a fraction, and those who remained conscious within the bus began to wail in their desperation. But at last, each passenger was rescued to safety, one by one.

When it was my turn, the bus had already transformed into a wreck of twisted metal. I gave my chance to another person, until I was the only one left within.

The firefighter extended a hand towards me. The bus no longer allowed any of them to gain entry, and this was what I had been hoping for.

‘Hurry, you can’t delay any further. The bus is about to fall off.’

But their voices no longer meant anything to me.

I turned my head, shifting my body as I stared at the boundless skies which seemed to go on forever. The skies were unbearably quiet. You could even feel the dead watching over you, using the winds, clouds, wild grasses, ancient trees and all-encompassing time which ebbed on and on for eternity.

I knew that tomorrow, the headlines should be that some man or another had refused rescue after a traffic accident, falling off the cliff, completely destroyed with the remnants of the bus, a wreck of metal and flesh.

But what did this matter to me.

In all these years, I had been searching for an ending, and this was the ending which I had been seeking.

Before He Yujin died, she said that she only wished for me to lead a peaceful and happy life, and I had lived my life carrying out her wishes.

I remarried; worked hard at work; did not think of her; did not seek death.

I tried my best to live in happiness –

But a traffic accident was not something within my control.

Nor could I have known that I would divorce, just as I could never have known that I would meet with a traffic accident.

So, when she met me once again, she could not blame me. She must not blame me.

Slowly, my tears began to fall. I saw He Yujin’s face, the face which I had been waiting for several years. The Heavens knew how many times I yearned to reach out, using my five fingers to touch her face. Gently, just like a lover, caressing her face.

If I met her, no, I would definitely meet her, for I had done so much just to meet her –

We would cross paths in the skies, and within the endless clouds, I would say, ‘Hi, He Yujin. I’m Gao Fei, let’s be friends.’

Then, I would become her husband.

If she had already found a new relationship there, I would use every means possible to destroy her relationship and family to become her husband.

My story with He Yujin began to end here……

End.