Pixiu Restaurant, No Way Out

Pi Xiu sat down on the couch, spread his legs, and said: “Help me first.”

“Let me see him first.” As the Emperor of Fengdu held a newspaper, he raised an eyebrow. “If you’re going to beg me for help, at least smile a little. Why do you always have a bitter expression on your face? Do I owe you money or something? I don’t think I swindled you out of money and ran away.”

As soon as Mr. ‘Feng’ mentioned ‘swindled money’, Pi Xiu’s face darkened. As he stared at Mr. Feng, Pi Xiu asked: “Why mention a pot that doesn’t boil1?”

“Oh, I don’t dare.” The Emperor of Fengdu looked at Pi Xiu and said: “I’m serious. Make him come out so I can see him. If you do, I’ll immediately check that mortal’s information for you.”

Pi Xiu didn’t speak, so Wen Xi took the initiative to appear. At that moment, a wisp of smoke floated out of the Jade Statue, and Wen Xi stood beside Pi Xiu. With a smile on his face, Wen Xi bowed down to salute the Emperor of Fengdu.

“Oh, this way of saluting is so out of fashion these days.” Mr. Feng stood up from his desk and approached Wen Xi. “Nowadays, we shake hands.”

Wen Xi was stunned, but he immediately responded by shaking Mr. Feng’s hand.

“Let me introduce myself. My name is Feng Du2.” The Emperor of Fengdu smiled at Wen Xi.

Wen Xi imitated him and said: “My name is Wen Xi.”

Once the two men parted, Feng Du didn’t need Pi Xiu to ask him again. Feng Du simply went back to his desk and said: “Tell that mortal’s name, date and month of birth, as well as his place of birth.”

Pi Xiu took out a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it over. The small letters on it were so elegant and beautiful, Feng Du couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows after taking a single glance: “I see your darling is good at writing.”

“Check it now, and stop talking so much nonsense.” Pi Xiu said with a cold face.

On the contrary, Wen Xi glanced at the words on the paper and couldn’t help but praise: “Although Jia Suzhen was an Opera actress, her handwriting is really good.”

While checking, Feng Du raised his eyebrows: “Huh, Old Pi, it sounds like you have more than one sweetheart.”

Pi Xiu sneered: “Do you want me to do the same as Bi Gan? Prove that my heart is that of a Saint3?”

“Looks like I have misunderstood. Sorry, sorry, sorry.” Feng Du turned the monitor of the computer to the side and said: “Come and check if the results are correct.”

Wen Xi stared at the haggard face on the screen, and tried to carefully remember. At that moment, a hasty glimpse of a memory when he was in his grandfather’s study came to his mind. Wen Xi nodded and said: “It’s him.”

“Since you have thought for so long, you can’t be wrong.” Pi Xiu frowned. “If you’re wrong, there will be no chance to change it.”

Feng Du smiled: “How can you say that? If he made a mistake, just come again.”

“Find where his reincarnation is now.” Pi Xiu’s fingers moved, and a golden light went past Wen Xi’s eyes, ultimately falling into Feng Du’s arms. “I’ll treat you to dinner in a couple of days.”

Feng Du placed down the gold in his arms on the table and raised his eyebrows: “Can the friendship between us be measured by gold?”

“Then what do you want?” Pi Xiu glanced at him.

Feng Du: “Gold is too cheap. Why don’t we use merits instead?”

Merits were randomly distributed. Someone can save a person with good intentions, only to end up saving the life of a serial killer. It was extremely messed up to end up doing something bad with good intentions.

However, these Demons and Gods now had a merit goal every year. Just like the KPI4 of mortals, from which if they fail to complete the KPI, they will lose money; if these creatures fail to complete their merit goal, they will lose years off their lifespan.

With a deduction of three to four years, and four to five years, young monsters would tremble in fear with their 300 or 400 years. Who would be able to withstand something like that?

The Emperor of Fengdu had a long life expectancy, so his merit goal was higher than others. For this very reason, every year, at the end of the year, the Emperor of Fengdu became immensely frustrated and stressed. Naturally, seeing an opportunity to earn merits, he won’t let it pass.

Feng Du leaned over, and with a lower voice, he said: “Share a bit of the merits with me and I’ll help you with your relationship. Also, I won’t charge you to register your sweetheart in the Household Registration and Social Security System. After all, you don’t want him to be an unregistered citizen all the time, do you?”

Pi Xiu didn’t eat his advice: “There’s no need. By Autumn, I will personally send him off to reincarnate.”

Feng Du froze. He didn’t expect that Pi Xiu would be so cruel and heartless. ‘How can he be so cruel to the man lying on the pillow next to him? Without taking into account the slightest feelings of the other. As expected of such an ancient demon, a child born without an anus lacks the basic and common respect for others.’

‘However, after so many years of friendship, Pi Xiu has never been a bastard or treated me badly.’ As a good brother, and as a friend, Feng Du showed his professional face, smiled, then said: “It’s good you want to send off him to be reincarnated. I can even arrange for him to be born into a wealthy family in his next life, where his parents would love him all his life. A luxury gift package, so he can live comfortably without worry!”

“With your own arrangements? I don’t think so. Just call someone and I’ll prepare it myself.” Pi Xiu was inflexible and refused to give the slightest amount of merit away.

But Feng Du also refused to take a step back: “Why are you so stingy? ‘One night between a married couple, one hundred days of grace5’, right? You have already slept with him, why don’t you want to give him a better next life?”

As soon as Wen Xi heard this, he frowned. ‘What is all this nonsense? Sleeping is sleeping! We only share the same bed. How could such a cordial relationship between an ‘ice pillow’ and its owner become such a sexual rumour in everyone’s mouths?’

Wen Xi: “There’s no need to arrange my next life. My next life should be decided by the Will of Heaven.”

‘When I was alive, both of my parents and my family were rich. However, a lifetime of love turned into a lifetime of sorrow. When the walls of the Wen family collapsed, like a sinking ship, my extravagant life turned into that of a helpless prisoner. The difference was like comparing clouds and mud. In the end, even wild dogs on the side of the road could come close to bite me.’

When Feng Du saw Wen Xi’s sad face, Feng Du felt even more sorry for him. ‘A beauty, whose deep love is not being well reciprocated. Too bad, he’s not a lucky man. Although I have seen many soulmates suffer from bitterness, I didn’t expect my friend to be such a scumbag.’

Feng Du slapped the table: “No need to say more! I will definitely take care of your reincarnation. You will have a happy and prosperous next life! Just keep your eyes open from now on, and don’t trust ‘others’ again!”

Pi Xiu frowned when he heard this: “Are you fucking trying to force me to give you merits?!”

Feng Du said with conviction: “Bullshit! He and I are both ghosts, which means we’re in the same boat!”

“Cut the crap. I’ll give you 5% of the merits.” Pi Xiu was so annoyed he didn’t even want to fight with this black-hearted old ghost. “No more than 5%, may the Way of Heaven be my witness!”

The Way of Heaven had been paralyzed in bed for years in a deep sleep, and Pi Xiu didn’t believe that it would suddenly wake up to listen to his words.

However, as soon as Pi Xiu finished speaking, the sudden sound of thunder came outside the window. Feng Du and Pi Xiu vaguely wondered if there was any kind of connection between Pi Xiu’s words and the thunder.

Pi Xiu: “…..”

Pi Xiu: “Motherfucker!!”

‘I guess I’m on the priority list of this damn dog, the Way of Heaven. It catches my voice in real-time! As soon as I say the keywords ‘the Way of Heaven’, it’s going to send lightning at me.’

‘Fucker! You really are something else!’

Pi Xiu was so angry that he wanted to continue cursing the Way of Heaven, but Feng Du hurried to hug him and pulled him away.

The old ghost’s face broke into a smile as fresh as a spring flower in February. As Feng Du hugged Pi Xiu’s arm tightly, he said: “Then, Old Pi, we have a deal. You cannot go back on the words you have sworn before the Way of Heaven. Just tell me what you want, no need to be polite.”

Pi Xiu was furious: “If I asked you to die, will you die?”

Feng Du smiled and said: “Oh, my good brother, I knew you wouldn’t give me a hard time!”

‘I’ve been dead for thousands of years, so I can’t die anymore. Pi Xiu is really a good brother. Even though he smokes, drinks, fights, and has a male pet, he’s still a good brother!’

Feng Du sat back at his desk and typed on the computer for a while. Once he found Wu Yan’s reincarnation, he showed it to Pi Xiu.

In this life, Wu Yan was eighteen years old, in his senior year of high school, the dark before dawn in life. He was preparing for the upcoming college entrance exams in the Capital’s top 8 best Universities. Although he was basically the same as in his past life, there was a slight difference between the two. In this life, his surname was also Wu, but his name was Zu instead of Yan

Although the difference was only in the name, his ID photo showed that his appearance was also quite different. Pi Xiu thought he was seeing ‘The Beast6’ with how different this reincarnation looked from Scholar Wu. Pi Xiu wasn’t even sure if Jia Suzhen would be able to recognize him!

“Is it really him?” Pi Xiu frowned. “I don’t think he looks like Scholar Wu at all.”

Feng Wu waved his hand: “ID photos are all like this. Even good-looking individuals will look ugly in their IDs. Besides, how can anyone look the same as they did in their past lives? In fact, he doesn’t look that bad. I once saw a woman who was as beautiful as a flower in one life, only to look extremely ugly in the next life.”

Feng Du looked at Wen Xi, who was still standing to the side, and whispered to Pi Xiu: “Of course, since we have been such good friends for so many years, when you send him off to reincarnate, I will greet him beforehand to make sure that he will look exactly as he does now in his next life.”

‘A lover from a past life who was used as a substitute in the new life? If you want this kind of drama, as long as you give me merits, this good brother will arrange it for you.’

Wen Xi smiled as he touched his face, only to take a look at his own reflection on a glass, wondering: ‘Am I really that good-looking that it will make Pi Xiu think of me?’

As Wen Xi thought, he completely ignored the increasingly dark expression on Pi Xiu’s face.

Pi Xiu, on the other hand, managed to spit out a few words: “I Really! Have! Nothing! To! Do! With! Him!”

‘Why don’t you believe me?! I really just picked him up to be an ice pillow to cool me down!’

Pi Xiu was so angry that he started to feel a little dizzy. At the same time, his body seemed to be on fire from the heat. Pi Xiu sat on the leather sofa in Feng Du’s office, panting. He reached out to the glass of cold water sitting on the table, and reached out for Wen Xi to come to him. However, after Pi Xiu extended said hand, he realized that Feng Du was right there.

‘If I make Wen Xi sit on my lap, right in front of that Old Ghost Feng’s eyes, even jumping in the Yellow River ten thousand times wouldn’t cleanse my body from being wronged like this.’

‘Insisting on being a single demon is indeed quite hard.’

When Wen Xi saw Pi Xiu reaching out to him, Wen Xi held Pi Xiu’s hand out of habit and asked: “What’s wrong? Are you getting hot again?”

“Stand right there!” Pi Xiu withdrew his hand and wiped his face with a wet tissue he had in his pocket. Then, Pi Xiu stood up, took Wu Zu’s life information from Feng Du, and bid his farewell.

‘I can’t stay here any longer. If I stay here, I may explode with anger, die, and become just another ghost in Hell.’

“Old Pi.”

Feng Du suddenly called out to Pi Xiu, who had already opened the door in the office.

Pi Xiu looked back at him.

Feng Du: “Your beloved’s cause of death is unusual. His soul has a heavy cold qi, so his bones must have been kept in something that’s just as cold as he is. There’s nothing wrong with keeping him by your side.”

Pi Xiu paused for a brief moment, said nothing, closed the door and left.

Wen Xi followed Pi Xiu wanting to ask, but didn’t dare. As he approached the elevator doors, Pi Xiu shoved Wen Xi into the jade statue.

Once they both returned to the restaurant, Pi Xiu walked upstairs to change his clothes. Jia Suzhen followed him. She had already washed, put on makeup, and was dressed in modern clothes, making her appearance look more normal than her previous ghostly appearance.

“Mr. Pi….” Before Jia Suzhen could finish her words, a stack of papers fell into her hands.

Pi Xiu was already feeling impatient with the heat increasing in him: “Look for yourself.”

“Thank you so much!” Jia Suzhen was once again filled with bloody tears.

Once she happily left, Pi Xiu felt that he had secured the merits that would make him reach half of the goal. Relieved, Pi Xiu placed the jade statue on the table and called Wen Xi out.

As soon as Wen Xi’s feet landed on the ground, he couldn’t help but ask: “What did Feng Du mean by what he said?”

Footnotes

哪壶不开提哪壶 nǎ hú bù kāi tí nǎ hú; Chinese idiom. It’s used as a metaphor, that people shouldn’t mention other people’s weak points/shortcomings. To touch a sore spot.The only difference between Fengdu (Hell) and Feng Du (name) is the character ‘Feng’. 酆都 fēng dū ≠ 冯都 féng dū.This is how I understood it. Feng Du said: ‘more than one sweetheart/darling’, but it can also mean ‘more than one heart’ (你心肝不止一个). What Pi Xiu said is a reference to the novel《封神演义》“Investiture of the Gods”. Bi Gan was furious with the harm the King and his concubine had brought to the Country, so he publicly criticized them. King Zhou thus said: ‘Sinner, you dare to say that I’m a foolish Monarch?! Are you a saint? Didn’t you say that saints have seven holes in their hearts? This King will dig out your heart today to see if you have seven holes in your heart or not.’ Bi Gan dug out his heart himself, revealing that it had, indeed, seven holes. I think that Pi Xiu either said that as in: ‘Want me to dig out my heart so you can see I have only one?’ Or he meant it in the sense that his heart ‘is that of a saint’ (referring to the fact he’s single/he’s innocent).A KPI, also known as a ‘key indicator’, ‘performance meter’ or ‘key performance indicator’, serves to measure the success or failure of certain actions in relation to the objectives defined in the company’s strategic plan. The value of the indicator is directly related to a previously set objective and is normally expressed in percentage values.一夜夫妻百日恩 yī yè fū qī bǎi rì ēn; A popular saying that describes the deep bond established between a couple, once their relationship is established, lasting for ages.火云邪神 huǒ yún xié shén; Fictional character from the 2004 movie《功夫》‘Kung Fu Hustle’. Looks like THIS.