Pixiu Restaurant, No Way Out

Ren Jiao was already used to the old demon Pi Xiu constantly performing unethical practices because he doesn’t have an anus. But Qiu Fu, who fully embodied the flaw that animals with an underdeveloped brain capacity have, had yet to come to his senses from the nausea of having just sniffed a ‘fart’.

The ugly Fox had only one thought in his mind: ‘How can the fart of an old demon smell so sweet?’

Without taking into account that due to the old demon’s physical limitations, it was absolutely impossible for him to fart, the little Fox asked the Merman next to him: “Is it true that the farts of all Great Demons have a fragrant smell?”

Ren Jiao became silent, thinking: ‘Did Qiu Fu smell so many stinky farts that he ended up damaging his brain?’

Between the moment Wen Xi rushed to grab clothes from the room and get dressed, to running over to Pi Xiu to tell him what had just happened to him, Wen Xi didn’t really have the time to reflect on it. Now that he had a moment to calm down and rethink everything, Wen Xi reasoned that it might have just been his own imagination that caused him to frighten himself.

Besides, Wen Xi could already imagine that that wicked old monster will laugh at him. For that exact reason, Wen Xi swallowed his words and asked instead: “What are you doing? I can hear all the noise from upstairs.”

“We’re digging a vegetable cellar.” Mr. Pi lied without his facial expression changing. At the same time, he led Wen Xi into the Restaurant. “When winter comes, we can store more vegetables so we won’t have to go out to buy food, which will also save transportation fuel.”

Wen Xi: “……”

Wen Xi didn’t know what to reply, so he merely managed to say: “Wish you wealth and abundance.”

“Why did you come down so suddenly? You look too pale, did the noise wake you up? Why don’t I come up with you and help you put up a barrier so you can continue to sleep?” Pi Xiu asked.

Wen Xi thought it over carefully, but he was still a little scared and didn’t dare to stay upstairs by himself. Therefore, he said in a low voice: “No, it’s fine. Besides, it’s already noon, so I should eat.”

Wen Xi glanced around the hall, and when he saw there were no customers around, he asked confusedly: “Why is the Restaurant not open today?”

Pi Xiu gestured to the courtyard and said: “The chefs are digging the vegetable cellar, so there’s no one available to prepare food. There’s still some porridge left in the pot, I’ll pour you a bowl. If you’re bored, you can go upstairs and watch TV, or I can send Lil Broom over to keep you company.”

Wen Xi nodded: “Can I just sit down here?”

“Sure.” Pi Xiu called Lil Broom and then poured a large bowl of fish filet porridge for Wen Xi. Once that was done, Pi Xiu went back to the courtyard to continue digging the cellar.

At the beginning, to ensure that the formation would be safe, the three brothers dug a large pit in the backyard to bury the core of the formation. But now, when they had to dig that pit again to search for the core, all of the sweat their bodies generated by burying the core back then, equaled the amount of tears they shed today.

Qiu Fu dug with mad ferocity, to the point where he transformed back to his original form. In his mind, he was like a ferocious tiger. But from other people’s perspective, with its four paws on the dirt frantically digging, Qiu Fu looked more like a dog anxious to bury his own shit.

When Pi Xiu saw this, he stepped aside and frowned, unable to stop himself from quietly asking Ren Jiao: “Hey, so in the end, how likely do you think it is that he might be the black dog’s son?”

Ren Jiao coughed lightly as he replied: “I think it’s a 9 out of 10 possibility.”

With the help of Qiu Fu’s excavation method, they finally found the core of the formation. Ren Jiao stretched his head and looked down into the pit, where a huge Dragon tooth acting as the core for the formation was located. The tooth looked the same as it did when it was first buried, shining like a pearl under the daylight.

“The items from a Dragon’s body are really something else.” Ren Jiao sighed. “A treasure. This is a real treasure.”

Pi Xiu huffed with some pride. After all, this item was given to him by Taotie in the past, how could it not be good stuff?

Qiu Fu, who transformed back to his human form, was carefully sweeping the ground around the tooth, revealing some runes engraved around it. Since he was close to the Dragon tooth, Qiu Fu felt a little dizzy from the Dragon’s Qi that the tooth was still radiating. 

Pi Xiu pulled Qiu Fu aside and said: “Stand back. A Dragon’s Qi can confuse a Fox like you. If you’re not careful, you’ll be back to your Fox form, running around and peeing in circles.”

“Where did you get a Dragon tooth to begin with?” Qiu Fu stared fixedly at the Dragon bone and muttered. “You didn’t pretend to be a dentist to get this tooth, did you?”

Pi Xiu put the amulet down a little by little, and said: “Do you think I’m stupid enough to run to a Dragon and pull its teeth out? Although I’m not afraid of that old creature, if I really had to pull something out of it, I’m afraid I’d lose half of my life in the process.”

Qiu Fu did not believe that this was the case: “Riches are obtained by taking risks, and for that effort, rewards will come.”

Ren Jiao also wondered: “Then, where did this tooth come from? You never told me.”

Pi Xiu: “Taotie gave it to me. He said it was his old man’s wisdom tooth, and since it was useless, he pulled it out and gave it to me.”

Ren Jiao: “……”

Qiu Fu: “……”

‘Oookey. If people can have wisdom teeth, why wouldn’t a Dragon have them too?’

After a busy day in the backyard, the three people finally finished strengthening the formation. Now, as soon as Taotie set foot on the property, Pi Xiu could close the gate and release the dog to catch the turtle in the jar, thus catching the damn bastard on the spot.

Pi Xiu slapped the dust off his hands, but before he could even stand up straight, he heard a shout coming from inside the Restaurant. The voice sounded like Wen Xi’s.

Without even dropping the mattock in his hand, the old demon ran at full speed towards the hall.

‘For fuck’s sake, do people think this old demon has become weak or something? Who the hell dares to cause trouble in broad daylight in my territory?! Should I repeat my customs from ancient times and pee a circle around my Restaurant to mark my territory?!’

Mr. Pi ran into the hall with the mattock in his hand. When Wen Xi saw Pi Xiu coming, Wen Xi immediately pushed away Lil Broom, whom he had used as a shield, and threw himself into Pi Xiu’s arms while shouting: “A dog! A black dog! And Wu Zu!”

Pi Xiu looked up, and oh boy…. On the left side of the door, there was Erlang Shen, while on the right side, there was a four-eyed boy. With a total of ‘seven eyes’ looking at him, Pi Xiu’s two eyes already looked defeated.

Yang Jiang1 was dressed in an impeccable suit and leather shoes. At his side, his Howling Heavenly Hound, Xiaotian Quan2 was dressed in a tracksuit, holding a black dog in his hands.

Pi Xiu narrowed his eyes when he saw the black dog. As he patted Wen Xi reassuringly on the back, Pi Xiu said: “Pets aren’t allowed inside. Can’t you even read the sign on the wall?”

Yang Jian coldly looked at Pi Xiu and replied: “I came to check the Household Registration. Don’t speak such useless words.”

The Howling Heavenly Hound cheekily smiled. As he looked at the little Ghost in Pi Xiu’s arms, he repeated Yang Jiang’s words: “We have come to check the Household Registration Certificate. Oh, those without registration will be taken away.”

The black dog in Xiaotian Quan’s arms also barked. At that instant, Pi Xiu felt the little guy in his arms shrink back in fear, and Pi Xiu’s face became completely cold.

In fact, this wasn’t a fabrication of human ghost Movies. Ghosts indeed fear black dogs. Not to mention the Howling Heavenly Hound, but the Heavenly Dog3, which is a pure black dog, is also feared by ghosts. Taking all this into consideration, Xiaotian Quan must be a purebred black dog of superior rank. Moreover, Wen Xi’s soul was still unstable, which meant that if he was touched by that dog, it was possible that he may vanish.

With the mattock still in his hand, Pi Xiu sneered at Yang Jiang: “The Residence Committee is only supposed to check the Household Registration, so how come you’re here to bully us? Aren’t you afraid that I might complain?”

When Erlang Shen heard the word ‘complaint’, his face immediately turned gloomy. Even Xiaotian Quan, who was snickering not long ago, restrained his expression, not daring to make threatening gestures again.

While the two sides clashed with each other, the three students who came to eat, stood glued to the wall, not even daring to make the slightest sound.

Wu Zu, as he stared at the mattock resting against Pi Xiu’s shoulder, wondered if he should shout ‘Injustice!’ and exercise the Civil Rights of the masses to stop the violent enforcement of the law.

‘But the men on both sides are older people with fierce appearances. One even has a dog, and I’m not even sure if it had been vaccinated against rabies. What would happen if I meddle, only to end up losing my life?’

After visually inspecting the mattock and Pi Xiu’s physique, Wu Zu calculated that a small blow with the mattock would cause him to be crippled, while a large blow would result in cerebral paralysis. Just two blows with the mattock were more than enough to knock Wu Zu out forever.

‘Forget it. I’ll wait to see what happens and act according to the circumstances. If anything goes wrong, I’ll run in and get Suzhen out to safety. She’s so delicate and weak, she can’t help, but be scared of that black dog.’

Between being a hero for a minute, or a coward for life, Wu Zu chose to live. However, the hungry students who came with Wu Zu didn’t seem to sense the tension in the air, hence with a big smile, they asked Pi Xiu: “Boss, is the restaurant still open?”

‘Fuck! Are you guys the embodiment of a Hungry Ghost? How can you think of eating when a fight is about to start? Don’t you know that if you’re dead, you can’t eat?! You useless bastards!’

Wu Zu’s heart pounded violently. At the same time, he prepared his feet, waiting for the sound of the fight to break out, thus grabbing Suzhen and escaping the scene.

The Restaurant remained silent for a moment. As Pi Xiu wrapped an arm around Wen Xi, he thought that the business should not be interrupted, as it would be stupid to lose money over this. Pi Xiu looked at Erlang Shen and said: “Wait.”

Without having any problem, Yang Jiang raised an eyebrow to indicate to Pi Xiu that he could continue.

Then, Lil Broom came over with the menu so that the customers could order food. Since Jia Suzhen was afraid of the black dog, she didn’t dare to set foot in the hall, so she simply stood in the corridor to inadvertently look over there. At that instant, Jia Suzhen crossed glances with Wu Zu. She couldn’t help, but smile at him.

When Yang Jiang saw Jia Suzhen in the corridor, he held up two fingers and lightly said, “Two, you must pay a fine for both of them.”

“What’s the hurry? How can you even know that they don’t have a Household Registration Certificate?” Pi Xiu looked at him and thought to himself: ‘Those three eyes of his are sharper than those pickpockets. Why is he doing this kind of community work? Why doesn’t he just pursue a career as a detective?’

After Lil Broom had delivered the food to Wu Zu, several regular monster customers walked into the Restaurant. When they saw Erlang Shen in this place, they were surprised as they thought: ‘How lucky! Today I went out to eat, and I actually ran into a Star of the Demon World!’

Pi Xiu greeted the monster customers as he thought: ‘Well, we have already opened the doors to the public anyway. One gives room for two, three gives room for four. At this point, I can just make money and open the Restaurant in the afternoon.‘

In the blink of an eye, the Restaurant was bustling with activity. Even so, Pi Xiu still held Wen Xi in his arms, having no intention whatsoever of letting go of him. When Pi Xiu laid his gaze on Xiaotian Quan, his yellow pupils flashed like lightning, warning the Heavenly Hound to stay away and not to look at what he shouldn’t be looking at.

Upon noticing this, Yang Jiang took a step forward to block Pi Xiu’s eyes. Then, Yang Jiang turned around to tell Xiaotian Quan to keep still, and followed Pi Xiu.

“Tell me, why are you raising a Ghost?” Yang Jian asked with a certain indifference.

Pi Xiu raised his eyebrows: “Don’t you know that little demons can attract wealth? Even so, little demons aren’t enough for me anymore, which is why I’m raising an old Ghost to attract even more wealth.”

Yang Jian angrily laughed: “You’re a Pixiu, why would you need others to attract money for you?” Yang Jiang then glanced at the arm Pi Xiu still kept tightly wrapped around Wen Xi, and narrowed his eyes: “I heard people say that he’s your wife? And that he’s three months pregnant with your child?”

Pi Xiu sneered: “That’s fucking bullshit.”

“Then why are you so nervous? As soon as you heard him scream, you came running, and the instant he saw you, he jumped into your arms. I was also able to tell that you were willing to embrace him from the very beginning, even if he didn’t come up to you.” Yang Jian then pointed to Pi Xiu’s arm that was still around Wen Xi, and added: “Chang Wei, didn’t you say you don’t know Martial Arts4?”

Pi Xiu: “……”

‘Fuck you!’

“Anyway, I’m not really interested in your love life. As long as you can provide the papers for his Household Registration, I’ll leave right away. But if you can’t get a Household Registration Certificate, or get a Temporary Residential Permit, both Ghosts will have to come with me.”

Pi Xiu tsk-ed annoyed: “And what if he’s my wife?”

Yang Jian said lightly: “The partner of a Great Demon can be given one month to reapply for Household Registration. But the other Ghost can’t. After all, she’s not your partner, right?”

Although the humans in the Restaurant couldn’t hear their conversation, the monsters were able to hear them clearly. At that moment, all the monsters present raised their ears, ready to hear Pi Xiu’s reply. With their cell phones in their hands, they were already prepared to spread the fresh news they will be witnessing first hand.

One could already imagine the headlines…..

The thousand-year-old Demon has finally committed bigamy! Having to choose between the White Moonlight or the Red Rose, the owner of the Restaurant must have a tough path in love life these days.

Footnotes

杨戬 yáng jiǎn; Many legends and novels often call Erlang Shen as Yang Jian, as the nephew of the Jade Emperor (玉皇 yù huáng). According to an ancient text, Erlang Baojuan, Yang Jian’s mother, was the Jade Emperor’s sister, Princess Yaoji, who was imprisoned under Mount Tao because she violated the Heavenly Rules by marrying a human named Yang Tianyou. Many years later, her son Yang Jian cleaved Mount Tao using his axe, hoping to set his mother free. He did successfully rescue his mother, after he chased away the sun by carrying a mountain on his back.哮天犬 xiāo tiān quǎn; The Howling Heavenly Hound is a divine animal/magical treasure next to Erlang Shen in Chinese mythology and legends. It helps him to hunt, attack, and eliminate demons and devils. Its appearance is that of a typical thin white short-haired dog (although in some depictions, its shown as a black dog).天狗 tiān gǒu; The Heavenly Dog, or Tiangou, is a legendary creature of China, resembling a black dog or a meteor, which is believed to eat the sun and the moon during the eclipse. As a good spirit, it has the appearance of a white-headed fox, which brings peace and tranquility, providing protection against all kinds of trouble and thieves. As a bad spirit, it’s a black dog that eats the moon and the sun. There are also claims that the Howling Heavenly Hound (哮天犬 xiāo tiān quǎn) under the command of Erlang Shen is a Heavenly Dog (天狗 tiān gǒu). However, this claim isn’t explicitly recorded.常威，还说你不会武功？cháng wēi, hái shuō nǐ bù huì wǔ gōng?; A phrase from the movie《九品芝麻官》used online to refer/describe a person who has been exposed (for lying, or doing something they say they didn’t do, etc).