Tales From the Terran Republic

Sheloran’s pupils dilated like a kitten’s as she munched.

“These are amazing!” she exclaimed. “What are they?”

“Cicadas, Martian cicadas, to be exact,” Gloria said as she reached into the bag. “Nobody knows who set the little bastards loose in the domes, but they are in every hab now.”

“I’ve heard about these!” Sheloran enthused. “They live for years underground, don’t they?”

“Yep,” Gloria replied as she popped another one in her mouth. “This particular species spends eight years in the soil of the habs before they mature. They are annuals, though. Some of them mature every year, though. Whoever did it planned ahead.”

Gloria munched happily.

“The really weird thing is that these things aren’t natural. They are engineered. Somebody went through a lot of effort tweaking these little guys. They never found out who. Good thing, too. They would have locked them up for eco-terrorism back in the day. Now, we would build a statue of them. We love these little things, and they kept more than a few people from starving during the Sol Wars. They are a hell of a lot tastier than cockroaches.”

“I like cockroaches,” Sheloran said happily, “Especially the green ones.”

“Those are engineered, too,” Gloria replied.

“They are?”

“Yup. They made those especially for eating,” Gloria said, “Personally, I prefer the original, the ones from Zeus Seven. If you like roaches, you should go there. Billions of the things. They are so thick in some places you can’t even see the floor.”

“Wow!” Sheloran exclaimed, “And you can just go get them?”

“Yep. The whole place is filled with roaches and cats. You can hop a shuttle on Zeus Three or Zeus Eleven and fill bags with them if you want. You can bring home a cat too, if you can tame one… You can hunt Jovian rats there too. They are good eating, but it takes several to make a good meal. It’s a pretty good time, actually. If we are ever able to set foot in the system again, I will take you there if you want.”

“Yeah,” Sheloran said sadly. Odds are none of them would ever be able to go back. But, considering all of the trouble she brought down on everyone around her, maybe that was for the best.

She nibbled at a cicada.

“Gloria?”

“Yeah?”

“Am I a bad person?”

“In this universe, what does ‘bad’ even mean?” Gloria scoffed.

I don’t know,” Sheloran replied, “I guess it means… bad.”

“See?” Gloria said as she reached into the greasy paper bag, “If you can’t even define the term, does it have any real meaning?”

Sheloran looked down at her hands.

“That asshole lawyer of yours did a real number on you, didn’t he?” Gloria smirked.

“He said...”

“He is a little pussy who got scared and bailed,” Gloria replied, “He said whatever he needed to in order to justify doing what he wanted to do, which was swim his little anchovy ass away to go hide with the other anchovies. You’re better off without that guppy. I’ll set you up with some real lawyers, not some startown wanna-be. Fuck him.”

“He said that I set everything up...”

“Well, if you did,” Gloria smiled, “then all I have to say is, ‘Good job.’ but you would have to be some sort of super-genius to do all of that.”

Gloria looked at Sheloran.

“Did you?”

“Did I what?”

“Did you plan everything, including us breaking you out?”

“I… No… There’s no way I could have possibly known that you guys would do that, and I didn’t know about Craxina’s people… I know it’s impossible… but...”

“But?”

“Oh, prophet,” Sheloran sighed, “I think… I think that I might have… I don’t know… I just wasn’t worried about Craxina or the girls at all. It was sort of like I knew that they would be ok.”

“You’ve had a lot going on,” Gloria shrugged, “It’s easy to get tunnel vision and not think about things you would normally worry about. Then again, you do some freaky shit, like with my nukes or those weird weapons you make, and Cerberus probably wants you for a reason. Who knows?”

“If I did,” Sheloran said quietly, “If I did use them as bait, that would make me a bad person.”

“Would it?” Gloria asked. “Let’s say that you somehow predicted how things would go down. If you did predict the Harkeen and the Careel, then you would have known that the Harkeen would have walked into those lances and your people would not only be safe, but the Harkeen would go down, hard… and you would get away with murder. Not too shabby.”

Sheloran made a sad squeak.

“Murders...” she said with a quivering voice, “Oh prophet, I… I pooping killed those people!”

“Yeah?” Gloria shrugged, “What’s your point? I would have killed them, too, and I wouldn’t have been anywhere as nice about it as you were. Anyone worth a fuck would have done the same if they could.”

Gloria smiled ruefully.

“Then again,” she said, “I might not be the best person to judge.”

Sheloran sighed and hung her head.

“I think I might be… bad.”

“Honestly,” Gloria said, “I don’t think you are. I know some bad people, really bad people, and you aren’t one of them.”

“But I’ve killed.”

“In a perfect world,” Gloria said, “You would be right. Killing would be bad, but this ain’t a perfect world, not by a damn sight. In this world, the one we are stuck with, fucked up shit happens, and when it does, sometimes fucked up shit is the right answer for it.”

She shook the cicada bag.

“I’m going to eat all of these if you don’t,” Gloria said, “Grab some more before I do.”

Sheloran glumly took a cicada and munched on it.

“Let’s look at this from another angle,” Gloria said, “When the Harkeen struck, what would a ‘good’ person have done?”

“They… They would have called the police?”

“And what would have happened?”

“The Harkeen would have gotten away like they always do.”

“And what would have happened to you and your people?”

“We…”

“That’s right,” Gloria said, “They would have come back with new thugs, and nothing would have changed. You would have either been killed, wound up like that little hamster-looking thing, or run out of town, and your girls would be in their stable or someone like them. Your community would be owned by them by now. Tell me, is that a ‘good’ outcome?”

“No...”

“So was what you did ‘bad’ or was it ‘good’?” Gloria asked, “If we look at the results, the Harkeen are gone, not just from Freeport, but from all of Terra, the Republic, the Empire… and pretty soon the Federation as well. I would say that whoever was behind that did a lot of ‘good’, wouldn’t you?”

Sheloran’s eyes began to ripple as she gasped in horror.

She looked at Gloria with horrified eyes.

” Oh, by the waters,” she moaned, “We… we made a deal, didn’t we?”

“(munch)… Yep,” Gloria said nonchalantly, “And I set you up with some truly bad people to handle the job. They are mopping the floor with the Harkeen. Actually, crime scene cleanup crews are mopping up the Harkeen, but you get the idea.”

Sheloran let out a squeak of despair.

“But you already knew that, didn’t you?” Gloria asked, “I wouldn’t have gone ahead with the arrangements if I thought you were completely out of your head.”

Sheloran just looked down and said nothing for a while.

“I… I kind of knew… On some level, I knew… I… I just didn’t want to...”

“And with that deal, the Harkeen will never hurt you, that gummy bear that worked for you, that hamster chick, or anyone else ever again. You think what happened to you and yours was unique? They did that sort of shit all the time. Now, they won’t. Most importantly, they won’t ever do it to you or your people ever again. You made sure they would be safe. Fucked up world, fucked up solution. It’s neither good nor bad. It just is, like most things in this fucked up universe… You still owe me a pile of nukes, by the way. Those chuckies aren’t cheap.”

“I arranged for mass murder, and I’m paying for it with va’losh’kal...” Sheloran moaned. “I am a bad person!”

“With what?”

“With...” Sheloran looked confused. “With primitive thermonuclear devices.”

“And I used those nukes on...”

Gloria laughed.

“I was going to use those nukes to go after someone who is truly bad,” she chuckled, “But instead, I used them to teach some people a very valuable lesson… and didn’t even kill anybody! The point is that I’m using those nukes for a very specific mission, and that mission may very well save the lives of billions, maybe even trillions. Patricia Hu cannot be allowed to win. If she does, it will be the end of entire worlds, maybe even yours. Is stopping her ‘bad’, even if we have to get our hands a little dirty?”

Sheloran let out a strange, disturbing laugh that gave Gloria goosebumps.

” My world is under no threat from the likes of any human,” Sheloran snarled as her eyes started to swirl with colors, “The only thing she will find there is— Eeep! “

Sheloran squeezed her eyes shut and covered them with her hands.

“You ok?”

“No,” Sheloran said, her eyes still squeezed tightly shut, “I am NOT ok! What is happening to me?”

“Not a clue, dude,” Gloria said as she munched a cicada. “You are one freaky freaky freak. What is the deal with you Plath, anyway. We thought you were just a bunch of stupid farmers.”

“We are a bunch of stupid farmers,” Sheloran said as she cautiously opened her eyes, “Seriously! That’s all we are! We just farm! That’s it! We don’t… We don’t do all of the stuff I’m doing! It’s impossible!”

“Apparently not. (munch)”

“I have absolutely no idea what’s happening to me, and I’m pooping terrified!”

“Yeah, I know what that’s like,” Gloria replied, “Kinda. I didn’t start making super-nukes, though.”

“I didn’t want any of this!” Sheloran exclaimed, “I just wanted a normal life, a little house, a small garden… a boyfriend… It’s not fair!”

Gloria laughed again.

“Do you think any of us wanted this, to become what we are?” she smiled. “Do you think Sheila was always Sheila, or Greg was always Greg, or Jessie… well… Jessie was always Jessie, and that is heartbreaking...”

Gloria looked down.

“… Do you think I was always me?” she added quietly. “I was a ‘good’ person once. I really was.”

“You were?”

“You think I popped out of my momma’s snatch like this?” Gloria smirked. “I was a… I was a little flaxen princess once. I made good grades. I was ‘nice’… I was...”

She leaned back against the wall and looked at the ceiling.

“Meh, never mind. That’s all ancient history now.”

She looked Sheloran in the eyes.

“The thing is that each of us found ourselves in a situation, and each of us made a choice, which is exactly what you have to do now, and I mean right fucking now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look,” Gloria said, “it’s really not my place to tell you your business, but you got lucky, real lucky.”

“I don’t feel very pooping lucky.”

“That’s because you are too busy feeling sorry for your little blue ass to pay attention to what’s actually happening around you,” Gloria said as she handed Sheloran the bag, stood up, and stretched. “You’ve lost situational awareness, and that is fatal. It’s been ok because you have been here and have had the luxury of being able to hide in a closet, but if you honestly believe you haven’t been stupidly lucky, then I’m not the one in need of an intervention… for once.”

Sheloran hopped to her feet in one fluid motion.

” How the poop have I been lucky?!?”

“Think about it,” Gloria replied calmly, “what should have happened. What should have really gone down?”

Sheloran looked at her with a confused expression.

“What should have happened is that your blue ass stayed locked up in Tartarus, getting mind-fucked by Cerberus while the Harkeen raped everybody that relied on you to death,” Gloria said as she smiled through a clenched jaw. “A completely unbelievable series of events prevented that. Someone up there must love you… a lot... but you can’t count on them saving you a second time.”

Sheloran let out a quiet, horrified moan-squeak. Oh, prophet, she was right!

“So you need to figure out, right fucking now,” Gloria said calmly, “Are you a ‘good girl’ who follows the rules and plays nice, or are you a ‘bad girl’ who is going to take care of business. If you are a ‘good girl,’ then get out of the game right fucking now. No more ‘not illegal’ bullshit, no more backroom whorehouses, no more ‘labor organizing’, no more’ payday loans’, not a goddamn thing. If you manage to get free of all of this, go and live that ‘good girl’ quiet little life you keep fucking moaning about.”

Sheloran looked at Gloria in shock.

“Fuck, I’ll even let you off the hook as far as the nukes go,” Gloria replied, “I want them, but I don’t need them. I’ll melt Patricia’s face off with or without you. There is nothing in Heaven or Hell that can stop me. I’ll cut you loose, but that’s only if you truly not only want to be a ‘good girl’ but honestly think you can.”

“W-what do you mean?” Sheloran asked with huge, terrified eyes.

“Your little whore friend, the one you live with?” Gloria asked.

“Her name is Craxina!”

“Whatever,” Gloria shrugged, “How did you meet up with her again?”

“It was when I went to jail the first time,” Sheloran said, keenly aware that she had to say “the first time.” “She was really nice to me, and when I got out, I saw her crying on a park bench. She was broke and didn’t have anywhere to go, so I just sort of took her in.”

“A ‘good girl’ would never bring home a strange prostitute,” Gloria smirked, “Prostitutes are dirty and probably on drugs, you know. Too dangerous, and what would the neighbors think?”

” But she would have died if I didn’t!”

“You don’t know that.”

“I just do, ok!” Sheloran exclaimed, “The same way I know how to make guns and nukes. She almost died anyway when she went back to her hotel to get her things. If I hadn’t gone over there and stopped that butthole hotel guy, he would have sold her to some very bad people… I really need to take care of them, come to think.”

“So you just went over there and applied some foot to ass, huh?” Gloria smiled. “A ‘good girl’ would have called the police, you know.”

” There wasn’t any flushing time!” Sheloran snapped. “It was going on right then. I knew if I didn’t move quickly, it would have been the end of her...”

Sheloran shuddered.

“I saw it...”

“So you just charged in there unarmed and dragged her out?”

“No, I had a gun. I made it myself!”

“Good girls don’t charge into dangerous hotels with homemade burners, either.”

“But I had to!”

Gloria nodded.

“Just like you had to take in all of those other prostitutes?”

“They had nowhere else to go! It was dangerous for them.”

“Good girls don’t get involved in stuff like that,” Gloria replied, “It’s what keeps them out of trouble. That’s someone else’s problem.”

“Well, someone else wasn’t doing poop! Do you have any idea what’s going on out there?”

“As a matter of fact,” Gloria replied, “I do, and I might have crucified a few traffickers now and again myself. However, good girls don’t get involved in that. They stay home and water their flowers or some shit.”

“I couldn’t let them just suffer like that! Someone had to do something!”

“And because of that, you started to piss off the Harkeen,” Gloria replied, reaching into the bag that Sheloran was now holding. “(munch) But you didn’t stop there, did you? Once you got that union badge, you started actually organizing the xenos.”

“Those poor people didn’t even know their rights!” Sheloran bristled. “They were just getting passed from club to club, starport to starport… Someone—“

“Had to do something,” Gloria said, completing her sentence. “And I’m pretty sure they weren’t too pleased when you started kicking in doors, were they?”

“Yeah,” Sheloran smiled, “But they were nothing but jerkface bullies, and I HATE bullies! Besides...”

Sheloran trailed off.

“Besides what?” Gloria smirked, “You knew you could take them, the same way you knew Craxina was going to die, the same way you know how to hotwire a nuke?”

“...yeah...” Sheloran said, looking down.

“You know what I’m going to say next, don’t you?”

“Good girls don’t do that?”

“Yep,” Gloria grinned. “Good girls don’t kick in the doors of unlicensed brothels, square off against dangerous pimps, and they most certainly do NOT rip the doors off of white cargo vans in the starport.”

“You know about that?” Sheloran asked.

“Bunny is very thorough,” Gloria chuckled. “Where did you even get an emergency ingress tool anyway?”

“I rented it?”

Gloria laughed.

“I love it!” Gloria laughed, “but a ‘good girl’ would be horrified! You do know you broke several laws when you did that, right? Not a very good girl thing to do.”

“I didn’t have time!” Sheloran exclaimed, “Those people could have been loaded at any time! I had to do something!”

“Just like you had to undercut the Harkeen’s loan sharking business?”

“They were forcing people into prostitution… forcing them!” Sheloran squeaked with anger, “It’s bad enough when they force themselves, but… what they were doing… It was wrong! Somebody...”

Sheloran trailed off and sighed.

“And when the Harkeen showed up?” Gloria asked.

“I told them to get lost!” Sheloran snapped, “They are all just a bunch of bullies!”

“Bullies that burned your business to the ground, nearly killed one of your girls, and gang-raped that poor little gerbil,” Gloria said evenly, “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that was completely predictable… and preventable.”

“What?” Sheloran asked, completely horrified.

“See, a ‘bad girl’ would known all about the Harkeen since they were so close and would have known what to expect when they were directly challenged like that. They are nothing if not predictable. A ‘bad girl’ would have either cut a deal or taken ‘preemptive action.’ Or, at the very least, they would have been prepared. A ‘good girl’ playing at being a bad girl, however, had her business burned to the ground, one of her people nearly killed, and, well, nevermind ‘and.’ You were in way over your head because you weren’t prepared to handle your ‘bad girl’ business. Again, you got lucky. Nobody was killed. They didn’t ‘disappear’ the gerbil either, something else that they have done.”

Sheloran flinched and squeaked like she got hit.

“You’ve been lucky entirely too many times in a row,” Gloria said sternly, “You keep half-assing it like you are doing, and you are going to cross something worse than the Harkeen, and you know what will happen next?”

Sheloran just stood there, unable to speak.

“For most ‘good girls’ playing pretend,” Gloria said, “They would come to a bad end, killed or worse, but people like us don’t get the easy way out. You won’t die. The monster will see to that. It will take care of you, just like my monster takes care of me. We don’t die. Everyone around us, however, does. You will be the sole survivor again and again and again. Even when you have had enough and try to die, you won’t be allowed to. You will just come back alone over and over again until your heart breaks.”

Sheloran backed against the wall, her breath coming out in ragged “blats” through her gills.

“And that monster?” Gloria said as she seemed to grow twice her size, overshadowing Sheloran many times over, “It will just get bigger and bigger as you, just a moment too late, turn bad over and over. Then...”

Gloria’s eyes glazed over, turning into ice. Sheloran backed down the wall as she felt millions of souls screaming around her.

“Sooner or later, you will actually become ‘bad’. It will hurt too bad so you just… quit… and let the monster do whatever it wants… but you are still in there bearing witness to everything that you do…”

The unholy fire around Gloria faded.

“… everything… And it never, ever ends… ever. Every day the memories play on repeat, over and over… every… fucked up… thing you will do… over and over… until you finally manage to regain control of yourself just long enough to end it once and for all because the only thing left that can stop you is you...”

All of the energy bled from Gloria, and her eyes returned to normal.

“And then you flinch… Let someone talk you out of it… and the monster wins again.”

Sheloran gasped as she saw Gloria, at the controls of a ship lining the craft up on a large ship, smiling… closing her eyes…

It was going to happen!

“So you gotta choose,” Gloria said quietly, “right fucking now. You decide before it is decided for you. If you don’t… You will become just like me, and you do NOT want that.”

Gloria slumped against the wall.

“Keep the cicadas,” she muttered. “And fucking make up your mind. A lot of people are counting on you, trusting you with their lives. If you aren’t prepared to be Sheloran, they need to know before a ‘good girl’ lets them down.”

Gloria’s eyes glazed over and turned to dead, glassy orbs.

“Decide, frog,” she said completely without emotion, “You aren’t the only one who knows things, and I know you don’t have much time.”

With that, Gloria turned and walked away.

Sheloran collapsed, buried her face in her hands, and wept.

***

Uhrrbet nervously leaned against a tree next to an old camping lodge deep in what used to be a national park before Yellowstone, now deserted and unused save for the occasional gene prospector.

Half a dozen vehicles of every description pulled up, and a bunch of very nervous-looking Threen piled out, weapons drawn, looking in all directions.

The best-dressed one of them approached.

“Everything’s arranged!” Uhrrbet squeaked nervously. “As soon as the captain receives payment, he will land.”

“An’ how much of dis are you keepin’?” the threen snarled at Uhrrbet.

“Not a single credit!” Uhrrbet squealed. “I know better than crossing the Harkeen now. I just want things to be square with us! I swear! Please, just tell the Harkeen that I helped, ok? I’m not with Sheloran or any of the others! I just want all of this to be over!… Please...”

The threen looked deeply into Uhrrbet’s terrified, broken eyes.

“… Please...” Uhrrbet whimpered.

The Threen nodded and handed her a data crystal which she inserted into her tablet.

“It went through!” she squeaked after an appropriate amount of time.

“Lemme talk to him!” the Threen snarled. “I wanna talk to him again.”

“Of course,” Uhrrbet squeaked as she handed him the tablet, flinching as he brushed her hand.

“Yeah,” the Threen snarled, “Who ‘dis?”

A tentacled xeno appeared on the screen.

“This is Captain Yveeat of the free trader Fvv Kebth,” the xeno replied, “... An’ who you?” he added with a flutter of his tentacles.

“This is Bossman Vthoon,” the threen snarled. “The ‘who’ dat is paying you all those credits.”

“Welcome aboard, Bossman,” the voice replied smoothly, “I will be there in approximately twelve hours.”

“Dat long?!?”

“Do you want a stealth extraction or not?” the xeno replied, “This is blasted Terra itself. Getting released from the starport, faking a departure, and then looping back under stealth in twelve hours is actually something to be proud of. If you want a faster departure time feel free to buy a ticket at the starport, asshole. Did that translate properly, ‘asshole’?”

“You better be here, or you’ll be sorry.”

“Don’t you worry your smooth little brain over it, bossman,” the xeno replied, “Me good at flyin’.”

“You watch your mouth!”

“You find another pilot. I’ll gladly refund your fee.”

“… Just get here,” the Threen snarled and shoved the tablet at Uhrrbet.

“Ok...” Uhrrbet sighed with relief. “That’s all taken care of. They will be here in twelve hours. If you will excuse me, I will just—“

“Oh, you are stayin’ right here until they show up,” the Threen snarled. “An if dey aren’t here, we are going to skin ya… after we have our fun.”

Uhrrbet whimpered.

“But I did everything you wanted me to!” she yelped.

“We don’ know that for sure,” the threen snarled. “Besides, I got some time to kill...”

Uhrrbet’s tablet beeped three times.

“Wha?” the Threen snarled as Uhrrbet dove to the ground…

...at the same time as a single gunshot rang out for each Threen present.

Uhrrbet calmly stood up and primly dusted herself off as two dozen small figures seemed to appear out of thin air.

“Nicely done,” Uhrrbet said as they approached.

“Same at U,” the chuckie’s leader said, “U playd dem nice an’ sweet.” The chuckie handed Uhrrbet a data crystal.

“Ur tirty piezes,” it chuckled.

“Excuse me? Thirty?” Uhrrbet asked with both alarm and anger.

“Peac siztah,” the chuckie laughed, “Itz a figur a speak, frum de gud book. Da pay fer betrayal. Itz all dere.”

“Oh!” Uhrrbet laughed, “I do apologize. I’m still learning all of the idioms.”

The chuckie laughed with her.

“Same thing happen when I talk ta innies,” the chuckie laughed.

A weak groan issued from the boss Threen.

“I’m… gonna...” he groaned faintly.

“It wuz suppos ta be a one shot!” the leader yelled.

“It wuz a one shot!” a very young (looking) woman with a very big rifle yelled back.

“Den y iz it fukkin’ breathing?” the leader yelled back as he drew his sidearm.

He looked over at Uhrrbet.

“U jes set up killin or can U do da deed?”

Uhrrbet smoothed her snout.

“I suppose I won’t know until I try, will I?” she replied in a very proper “grey” tone as she reached for the pistol.

The Threen weakly tried to crawl towards his blaster.

Uhrrbet kicked it away.

She lowered the barrel of the pistol towards his head as he looked up at her with an expression of helpless rage.

“Pray tell, how does it feel?” she asked, “Being helpless?”

She pulled the trigger.

Nothing happened.

“U gotta press that red bit first!”

“Oh, I understand now. Thank you so very much.” Uhrrbet replied in a polished grey Garthra accent.

Bang

“Respek,” the leader said as she returned his pistol.

“Likewise,” Uhrrbet replied. “Thank you for the opportunity.”

The chuckie laughed.

“I liek U,” he chortled, “U funny!”

“I’m so very pleased that you find me engaging,” Uhrrbet said formally with a graceful little bob.

“So,” the chuckie asked as his people produced long blades and power saws, “U got anny moar fer us?”

“According to him,” Uhrrbet said, nodding towards the boss. “this was the last of the survivors, but you know Threen. I shall leave the posts up, just in case. Did you get enough samples to simulate him?”

“Yeh,” the chuckie responded, “anny moar show an he ‘vouch’ frum da graeve.”

“Excellent,” Uhrrbet replied. “Is that software available for purchase by chance?”

“I dunno,” the chuckie grinned, “U hav money?”

Uhrrbet gave the chuckie a demure little smile.

“I might have a credit or two on me...”