This Lady Is Trying to Kill Me

Mr. Horn

Dong, dong, dong!

The sound of the distant morning bell cut through the misty rain.

...

Smoke rose from the hundreds of streets and thousands of alleys in the capital. The majestic imperial city in the north opened its palace gates, and civil and military officials in various official uniforms entered through the Thousand Steps Corridor.

Dongfang Liren was wearing a silver bodice embroidered with a ‘fat-headed dragon’. She was standing behind a screen with her arms outstretched, and a maidservant was helping her wear a robe.

Her eyes looked past the screen and at the palace at the end of her vision. A carriage surrounded by a hundred people was moving toward the Hall of the Supreme Principle. “Her Majesty woke up ten minutes late today. Why?”

The white-haired old woman standing behind her replied respectfully, “Last night, the empress dowager went to the Eternal Joy Palace and stayed overnight in the bedchamber. The empress dowager likes to talk to people. Her Majesty might have chatted with the empress dowager too late.”

“Her Majesty is busy every day and is already tired. How can she stand being pestered by the empress dowager at night…”

“Why don’t I make some arrangements to bring the empress dowager to the estate to stay for a few days?”

Dongfang Liren pondered for a moment and nodded in agreement.

After putting on the python robe and jade belt, Dongfang Liren went to the study on the top floor and sat down. She flipped open the memorials organized by the Black Office and checked the news reported from various places.

“Several helm masters of the Red Flower Pavilion went out at the same time. They seem to be making a big move… What is the Red Flower Pavilion doing? Are they going out in full force to destroy the Water Cloud Sword Pool?”

The white-haired old woman pondered for a moment. “Impossible. If the former Spear Chief were still around, the Red Flower Pavilion would have the confidence to destroy the Water Cloud Sword Pool. But the current Red Flower Pavilion has to be discreet and worry about the Water Cloud Sword Pool. I heard that all the hall masters of the Red Flower Pavilion meet every year. They are probably going to discuss the future of the Red Flower Pavilion.”

“The Red Flower Pavilion is not small on the surface. There must be more hidden in the dark. They can be considered rich in Jianghu. If they can’t survive in Jianghu and are willing to give their loyalty to me, we can give them a chance.”

“Yes.”

Dongfang Liren no longer paid attention to the Red Flower Pavilion and continued to look at the reports. “A caravan entered from Liang Province Pass, and the Blood Bodhi seems to be hidden inside… Who is the Blood Bodhi?”

“A killer who ran amok in the Heavenly South’s Jianghu ten years ago. He has a lot of blood debts. He once assassinated the governor of Chongzhou and was chased by the Imperial Court and even Jianghu. He disappeared without a trace until now.”

The white-haired old woman’s eyes revealed a look of solemnity. “This person’s martial arts are unknown. He’s good at using traps, hidden weapons, and disguising himself. His patience is also astonishing. In order to assassinate the sect master of the Seven Mysteries Sect, he hid near the sect for nearly a year. He brushed past him many times but didn’t attack. Only when the target completely let down his guard did he kill him with a single strike and escape. Now that he has reappeared, he might have been recruited by the Green Bandits.”

When Dongfang Liren heard this, she frowned. “The Green Bandits recruited such a top-notch assassin for either important ministers in the Imperial Court or me. Let the Black Office pay attention to the people who have come from Liang Province recently…”

At this point, Dongfang Liren suddenly remembered Ye Jingtang, who had just entered the capital from Liang Province.

But Ye Jingtang was only 18 years old. Their ages didn’t match. Thinking about it, she dispelled her doubts.

After understanding the news reported by the Black Office, Dongfang Liren stood up and went to the terrace to look at the situation inside and outside the Imperial City.

But not long after, she saw her eldest cousin, Wang Chihu, leaving the Black Office sneakily with something in his arms.

Dongfang Liren frowned and asked, “What is Wang Chihu doing now?”

“Yesterday afternoon, Ye Jingtang came to visit and planned to capture the Wingless Owl. He asked for the assistance of the government and borrowed something from Wang Chihu.”

Dongfang Liren didn’t think that Ye Jingtang had the ability to capture the Wingless Owl, so she was naturally interested. She turned around and asked, “What did he borrow? Soft Bone Fragrance? Soul Separating Needle?”

“Uh…” The old woman hesitated, but she didn’t want to lie to the Prince of Jing. She thought for a moment, then walked up to Dongfang Liren and whispered in her ear.

After Dongfang Liren listened quietly, her heroic face turned red. She frowned and said, “What’s wrong with him?”

“Sigh, for the sake of work, Your Highness shouldn’t fuss over these trivial matters…”

…

———

The early summer drizzle fell into the old limestone alley, and yellow streamers swayed silently under the eaves.

In the stable beside the wine shop, there was a fierce horse. It had just stopped after running, and its nose and mouth were still breathing heavily.

Chi, Chi!

There was no one else in the wine shop. Two whispers came from the window.

“Did you bring anything?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“Mr.

Horn

.”

“Mr…. Huh?”

In the wine shop, Ye Jingtang was wearing a black robe and a bamboo hat, dressed like a wanderer. He was sitting at a table and taking a red sandalwood box from Wang Chihu with a strange expression.

Perhaps Wang Chihu was afraid of ruining his reputation, so he was extremely vigilant. He used his body to block the shopkeeper’s line of sight and whispered, “This item was carved from an entire piece of jade. The value of the base material alone was worth no less than a thousand taels, and it was made by a famous craftsman from the previous dynasty. The people who have used it are princess consorts and first-rank officials. After the founding of Great Wei, this item went through several twists and turns and flowed into the Marquis of Ding’an Estate…”

Ye Jingtang looked at the exquisite sandalwood box but didn’t dare to open it. “Brother Wang, I asked you to help me find an unpresentable item. This is too… too realistic. This item…”

Wang Chihu’s expression was solemn. “There’s no need to fuss over such minor matters when working for the Imperial Court. Brother Ye, what else can you think of that’s even more unpresentable than this?”

Ye Jingtang really hadn’t expected this. He had thought that borrowing an undergarment from the Prince of Jing was ridiculous enough. But he never expected that Wang Chihu would be able to find something even more ridiculous.

However, this thing was indeed not like bait from the government. If word got out, it would be unpleasant. But its value and origin could attract the Wingless Owl and other thieves. It was very suitable.

Ye Jingtang took a few more glances at the wooden box before putting it away. “Brother Wang, thank you for your troubles. I will certainly live up to your high expectations and capture the Wingless Owl.”

“We’re all helping the Imperial Court. There’s no need for thanks. I’ve already gotten hidden informers in the city to spread the news and fan the flames. You can just go and sell the stolen goods. Whether you can succeed depends on your luck. I will take my leave first. Goodbye…”

Ye Jingtang watched Wang Chihu leave sneakily. Then he looked at the red sandalwood box in his hand. After hesitating for a while, he didn’t open it. He wrapped it in a black cloth and left the shop.

It was drizzling, and there were few people on the streets. Ye Jingtang walked around the streets a few times, and after confirming that no one was following him, he entered an alley.

Luo Ning and Zhe Yunli were waiting in the alley with umbrellas in their hands, dressed like an ordinary mother and daughter.

The bird was standing on a wall as a lookout, paying attention to their surroundings.

Seeing Ye Jingtang return, Zhe Yunli trotted over and asked, “What did the Black Office give you as bait?”

Ye Jingtang dismounted from his horse and handed the red sandalwood box wrapped in black cloth to Luo Ning. It wasn’t easy to explain it clearly. “It’s indecent. I haven’t opened it. It’s best if you don’t open it either, lest you get angry.”

?

Luo Ning took the box and weighed it. It didn’t seem like an ‘undergarment’. “If you don’t take a look, how are you going to sell the stolen goods later?”

Then she raised her hand to open the wooden box. But she was afraid that it was a trap, so she moved closer to Ye Jingtang and got him to look at it together.

When Zhe Yunli heard the word ‘indecent’, she couldn’t resist her curiosity and leaned beside Luo Ning to have a look.

The red sandalwood box was opened, and a bright red cloth appeared in front of the family of three.

Inside the box was a translucent green jade object. It had been carved with exquisite skills and had a pearl-like luster. Even an amateur could tell the value of this item.

As for the shape…

Ye Jingtang blinked, not knowing what to say.

Zhe Yunli was stunned for a moment. She moved closer to take a closer look. “Wow! It’s so big… This piece of jade is probably worth a lot of money, but the shape is a little strange…”

She wanted to touch it with her hands.

Smack!

The box slammed shut, almost clamping Zhe Yunli’s fingers.

“Martial Mistress, what are you doing?!”

Luo Ning’s face turned red as she threw the wooden box to Ye Jingtang. “You little thief…”

Ye Jingtang knew that this would be her reaction. He steadily caught the red sandalwood box. “This is public property for handling the case. If it breaks, will you compensate for it?”

Zhe Yunli didn’t know the use of the jade item and asked curiously, “Martial Mistress, why are you angry? What is this thing used for? Ow~”

Luo Ning knocked on her head.

She was afraid that Zhe Yunli would be led astray, so she suppressed her embarrassment and explained in a soft voice, “The things men use in brothels are not clean. Don’t ask too many questions.”

Zhe Yunli blinked her big eyes. “Such a big stick is used to bully women? How do you use—Ow!”

Luo Ning was like an innocent mother who couldn’t take it anymore. Facing her curious daughter, she could only pinch her ears and reprimand her. “If I tell you not to ask, don’t ask. Is it appropriate for a girl to ask such questions?”

Feeling the pain, Zhe Yunli quickly raised her hands in surrender. “Alright, alright, I won’t ask. I just want to help save Hero Qiu… Then, shall we go to the black market to sell the stolen goods now?”

How could Luo Ning bring Yunli along with them while holding such a filthy item? “Since we want to lure the snake out of its hole, going with three people will easily alert the snake. Your lightness skills are average, so you won’t be able to help. Go back and don’t leave!”

Zhe Yunli was clearly unhappy, but she couldn’t say anything in the face of her strict master’s wife. She could only sigh softly and leave, turning her head three times with every step she took.

Ye Jingtang had been holding in his laughter.

The moment Zhe Yunli left, Luo Ning’s expression turned cold, and she glared at him angrily. “You are shameless!”

Ye Jingtang’s smile froze, and he said in bafflement, “How am I shameless? This is an item given to me by the government. I told you not to look at it, but you insisted. After seeing it, you scold me for being shameless. It’s just a jade carving. Is there a need to have such a big reaction?”

As a mature woman, even though Luo Ning had never experienced sex, she had heard of the use of such items from some women in the Pacifying Heaven Cult.

But the problem wasn’t with Ye Jingtang. Luo Ning thought about it, suppressed the embarrassment in her heart, and said solemnly, “How can the Imperial Court be so shameless as to let you use this…”

“It’s good as long as it’s useful. If you were the Wingless Owl, found out that you stole this kind of thing, sold it, and became the laughing stock of Jianghu, would you be angry?”

Luo Ning thought about it and agreed. She didn’t say anything else, but Ye Jingtang handed her the box again and asked her to hold it.

“What are you doing?”

“Hold it!” Ye Jingtang stuffed the red sandalwood box into the hands of the disgusted Heroine Luo. “I am a man and the head of the family. Is it appropriate for me to carry the box and follow you?”

“…”

Luo Ning gritted her teeth, but in the end, she still took the box and held it in her arms.

Ye Jingtang placed the bird on his shoulder and led the horse out of the alley. “Let’s disguise ourselves as Jianghu thieves traveling together. From now on, I’ll call you Ning’er, and you’ll call me…”

Following behind, Luo Ning said coldly, “I’ll call you Winged Owl.”

“Are you kidding me?” Ye Jingtang tilted his head and looked at Heroine Luo, who was dressed like a young wife. “Why don’t you call me husband? A young couple traveling in Jianghu together won’t arouse much suspicion.”

Luo Ning was definitely unhappy, but other than this form of address, there was no other relationship that could explain why a man and a woman were traveling in Jianghu together. She thought for a moment and said, “The word husband is too serious. People in Jianghu usually don’t use that term. Hmm… should I call you

Yelang

?”

Yelang?

Ye Jingtang was well aware of the story of ‘the Arrogance of Yelang’, so he naturally shook his head. “That doesn’t sound good.”

“What about Tanglang?”

“Chirp?” The bird tilted its head and looked left and right, probably wondering: Where is the

mantis

?

Ye Jingtang suddenly felt that his foster father’s naming skills were a little unreliable. What should his wife call him in the future?

After pondering for a moment, Ye Jingtang recalled the title of ‘Third Lady’ and simply said, “Let’s call him Silang. Hmm… Surname is Huang, Huang Silang.”

“Huang Silang…” Luo Ning felt that there wasn’t anything wrong, so she stopped talking…

Slang for dildo. Lang is a term of address used by women for their husband or lover: darling; lover. Homonym of Tanglang.