Chapter 46

Seo Youngwoo let out a small sound as he stretched both of his arms and straightened his back. Even after two days, his whole body felt stiff as if he still had a hangover. But he didn’t feel so bad. He got to hold Kang Taejung under the pretext of a hangover the previous day. A smile bloomed across his face at the thought of getting to spend a Sunday afternoon with him.

As he stepped into the living room, the inexplicable feeling of seeing his lover making a salad in the kitchen settled deeply within him. The tall, well-balanced back of muscles merged into the living room, perfecting a wonderful picture. The uneasiness he felt from seeing Kang Taejung become somber and less talkative each time they met, disappeared without a trace at that moment. 

Seo Youngwoo approached his lover with quick steps and attached himself to the other’s wide back, wrapping his arms around his waist. Kang Taejung turned around, surprised by the sudden appearance.

“You’re awake already?”

“Yes. I woke up early.”

With a soft voice and a warmer hand, Kang Taejung pulled Seo Youngwoo’s arms away and gave an awkward smile. 

“I was going to wake you up after getting things done.”

“We can do it together. Why do it alone when we both can?”

“It’s been awhile since I did these things for you, that’s why.”

Kang Taejung spoke kindly, carefully separating a lettuce leaf again. Seo Youngwoo’s hand that had moved to fetch the salad dressing came to a stop like a pause screen.

It hasn’t been awhile. It’s the first time, hyung.

Seo Youngwoo forced back the words that tried to come out from his throat and smiled. His quivering lips trembled.

“That’s true. Since it’s been a long while, it looks like I need to evaluate your cooking skills. What are you making?”

“I was going for a simple sandwich since it’s morning. Is that fine?” 

“I’m good with anything. Is there anything I can help with?”

“I’m fine since it’s pretty easy. I’m almost done with preparing the ingredients so you can watch some TV.”

“Wow, nice service.”

“It looked like you were having a difficult time lately.” 

Seo Youngwoo turned on the radio and walked to the sofa in the living room, trying to hide his pounding heart with a playful smile. As if signaling a weekend morning, cheerful pop songs spread across the kitchen and living room.

Not too long after, the wonderfully completed sandwich was served on a plate. Looking at the salad neatly dressed with balsamic vinegar and the satisfying yet delicious-looking sandwich, was enough to increase one’s appetite. With exaggerated cheers, Seo Youngwoo moved to the table located at one side of the living room.

“Hyung, isn’t this excessive?”

Looking at his lover who was smiling with widened eyes, Kang Taejung also slightly raised the end of his lips and dragged a stool over for him to sit down. In apology for the wishes he had made in the past few weeks, he chose to meet Seo Youngwoo instead of his family this week. Even though he knew it was nothing more than a temporary fix, he shut down his thoughts and turned his eyes away from reality. 

Soothing his incessantly sinking heart, Kang Taejung tried to smile cheerfully and pushed the plate close to Seo Youngwoo.

“Eat a lot.”

“What about you?”

“I kept eating some of the ingredients while preparing so I’m full. I’ll eat later.” 

We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.

“Hm, eating alone doesn’t make it taste good.”

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“Is it good?”

“Yeah. It’s really good. What’s with the fine dining treatment?” 

“I’m glad it suits your taste. You haven’t been eating so well lately. Why’ve you been so preoccupied?”

“I was?”

“Yes. You’ve been absent minded these few days. You didn’t look so good either. Is there something wrong?”

He spoke in an ardent tone with many signs of worry and concern for the other person. This warmth made Seo Youngwoo want to tell his actual thoughts. 

To be honest, I’m not sure what it tastes like, hyung. I can’t taste anything.

However, the words did not come so easily. Although Kang Taejung was clearly being friendly and warm, there was also a risk of ending up on thin ice. A growing sense of crisis that if he stepped on something wrong, his foot would be shattered and he’d fall off a thousand feet high cliff.

The warm autumn sun shone brightly through the balcony window and into the living room. It was a weekend morning with familiar songs, delicious food, and his lover. How much happier could he be than this? Staring blankly in front of him as he chewed his food, he slowed significantly over time and came to a complete stop. He suddenly felt the desire to ease the burden in his mind.

“Hyung.” 

Kang Taejung turned his head to the sound of the man calling him, rummaging through his salad with little to no expression. A warm smile appeared across Kang Taejung’s lips as if his appearance a while ago had been an illusion. That look now completely belongs to me, His heart clamored ill-naturedly. Seo Youngwoo closed his eyes tightly, opened them, and put the remaining pieces of bread on his plate.

“Our team got a new photo exhibition project. I think we’ll be working on it next year and holding it in two years.”

“Really? Seeing as the previous one went really well, they probably decided to go ahead with a follow-up.”

Kang Taejung routinely reacted by picking at the salad, his face obviously lacking appetite. 

“Yes. Which is why the higher-ups are actively promoting it like a series. Um, it turned out to be a photo exhibition for TPA news agency.”

“…”

Hearing the name of the news agency made the clattering sound of tableware stop completely. His lover’s face also hardened fearfully. Gray eyes that seemed to have oxidized every single bit of emotion stared at Seo Youngwoo emptily.

Feeling as if his throat was clogged with grains of sand, Seo Youngwoo struggled to swallow and leaned his head on Kang Taejung’s shoulder, holding onto his hand. There was no grip to their intertwined fingers. 

“We have meetings with each country’s branch beforehand while also conducting the main event with the headquarters… and I visited the Korean branch office a while ago.”

The back of his lover’s hand flinched from under his palm. Seo Youngwoo stared at the other for a while and bared his thoughts without hiding its complexities.

“I met that person at the meeting. I didn’t expect to, so I was surprised. I thought he’d be at home recuperating but it looks like he wasn’t.”

“…I see.” 

The uncomfortable silence hung heavy in the air. Trying to act like nothing was wrong, Seo Youngwoo told him about the moment he encountered Ha Joyoon.

“He’s still the same.”

He still draws people’s stares and shines brightly with a calm aura. Seeing him look at me made me extremely angry. And even though I had no reason to be, I was so angry that I began to run my mouth. I was the pathetic loser, hyung.

As the silence continued, Seo Youngwoo carefully took a glance at the other. The man next to him stayed silent even as time went by. There was not one word of criticism nor consolation from him. 

“…It was uncomfortable for both of us. I was so out of it that I didn’t even know how it ended. It kept on bothering me, that’s why I’ve been feeling uncomfortable lately. I’m sorry that I might’ve let out my annoyance on you, too. I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t find the right time to. It’s all my fault. Turns out it’s because I feel anxious.”

“…Alright.”

“I know you two broke up already. But I felt uneasy for no reason.”

As soon as Seo Youngwoo said that, his strong shoulders flinched weakly when it was touched. It had been a minor and tiny detail but there was no way he wouldn’t notice the sensitive reaction Kang Taejung had. Having a bad hunch, Seo Youngwoo moved his leaning head away and turned towards him so that the both of them could look at eachother. 

“Hyung.”

“…Huh?”

The pain and longing hanging over Kang Taejung’s face were so clear. It was imprinted so vividly that Seo Youngwoo couldn’t even call it an illusion. He felt like his heart was about to explode in anxiety.

“Hyung, do you still have feelings for that person?” 

“What are you talking about?”

His good-looking face frowned. He couldn’t stand the fact that it seemed like an answer to his question. Almost like proof that Kang Taejung still did.

“Do you still miss him? Was I wrong to think that you had completely opened your heart to me? Have you not gotten over him yet?”

His lover couldn’t hide the pain in his eyes and Seo Youngwoo grabbed onto both of his arms. He lost all calm and let out all his uneasiness hysterically. 

“Why do you still have that expression on? Do you want to go back to him?”

“What’s wrong all of a sudden? Calm down.”

“Hyung, do you realize the look on your face right now?!”

The flustered man grabbed Seo Youngwoo’s hand. The transformation had happened in the blink of an eye. Despite Kang Taejung’s dissuasion, he was unable to return to his previous calm and raved in anger. We’ve been dating for a year. I told you me and that person were completely over just a few months ago. I told you I left no room for him! 

“Youngwoo-yah.”

Kang Taejung held his trembling hand, touch still so warm and soft. Before he realized it, a tear flowed down from his eyes.

“I-I’m sorry, hyung. I’ve been very tired lately.”

Exhaling irregularly, Seo Youngwoo tried to swallow down his tears. However, his angry emotions were unable to calm down as he took in several deep breaths. “Youngwoo-yah…” In a tone full of self-blame, his lover whispered his name endlessly. Seo Youngwoo clutched onto Kang Taejung’s wide back tightly, almost like a bind, and rubbed his cheek against the other’s chest. 

“Youngwoo-yah.”

His voice darkened and grew lower. “Yes?” Seo Youngwoo bit down on his lips, barely answering. Kang Taejung’s hand stroked his lover’s back, showing all kinds of unmeasurable remorse and guilt.

“Don’t be so anxious. You’re the one I’m dating.”

“Hyung…” 

“I always feel sorry and thankful to you. I used to be so harsh back then but I actually just wanted someone by my side. And you were there.”

“…!”

The sincere words of comfort felt like too much for Seo Youngwoo to handle and the unexpected words that followed after made him feel suffocated. Someone. Taejung’s words seemed so unreal as they resounded loudly in his ears.

“I know you don’t feel satisfied. But I’m trying my best in my own way. I want to do whatever it takes to make up for the terrible thing I did to you that day.” 

“Hyung…”

“You said you’re doing okay but… I know it wasn’t something anyone would feel okay with.”

His buried offense reared its ugly head once more. Seo Youngwoo was sick and tired of it. How long would he have to tremble in anxiousness? Shouldn’t he just let Kang Taejung know the truth now?

But his agony didn’t last long. Even though he had several chances to turn things around, he always chose to avoid and deceive for his immediate happiness. His hesitation lasted for a short while and he quickly came to a conclusion. 

Not yet. It’s still…

He forced his heart to stay calm but he felt a broken fragment roll around the floor at the words that followed.

“And…”

“…” 

“I can’t go back now.”

An unavoidable and giant force strangled his neck. His quivering fingertips turned pale, unable to find a shred of warmth. Without even getting time to understand what he heard, Seo Youngwoo’s lover continued in a distressing voice without concealing his feelings.

“Considering how Yoon and I ended things on such a bad note. I just… He and I can’t be anything to each other anymore. Not even friends. I single-handedly ruined everything.”

“…” 

“That’s how much of a mess it was. So…

He seemed to have no clue about what he was saying. Seo Youngwoo stared at Kang Taejung, who seemed to be screaming a silent shout with absentminded eyes. His lover’s words were not in conversation to him, but a bitter confession to someone who wasn’t there. A cold snake crawled up his ankle, revealing its venomous teeth. The snake’s scales burned a trail of fear along his skin.

The low-pitched voice of a female vocalist came from the speaker. His unfinished words mixed in and disappeared with it, covering up the wound from the situation.

Are we really happy with This lonely game we play

Looking for the right words to say 

The heart in his cold chest fell deeper and deeper to the bottom, almost like it was weathering away.  Kang Taejung still unconsciously used the nickname from the time he was in love with that person. The cruelty of his lover turned into a piece of broken glass and tore at his heart.

Unable to resist the wake in his heart, he strongly grabbed the other’s collar and pulled it. The tall body was propelled towards him feebly. Kang Taejung’s sculptural visage showed his gentle and kind looking appearance.

The eyes looking at Seo Youngwoo were just lukewarm, not holding any warmth or passion. This wasn’t anything new to him but this time felt more forthright than usual. He gently rubbed the straight slope of Kang Taejung’s nose. The skin’s warmth hovered through his breath like a habit.

Searching but not finding Understanding anyway 

We′re lost in this masquerade

Leaving behind the surging guilt and shame, Seo Youngwoo’s lips recklessly crashed into Kang Taejung’s. The dry and cracked lips were so rough that they resembled thorns. Kang Taejung robotically responded to the forced gestures but of course, it was pointless.

Even though they were together, Seo Youngwoo felt lonely and couldn’t feel the other person’s sincerity at all. The affection he got from him was from words only. Within the unstable sense of responsibility that would soon collapse, disoriented feelings had only ended up badly hurting both of them. In all that, only the lazy afternoon sun could enjoy the relaxation of the weekend and smile cruelly.