Chapter 49

He opened his eyes.

The reason for his stir seemed to be the sound of the entire sky pouring down rain. The bluish energy of dawn fell still on their skins, making him and the other man look paler than usual. The cool air touched his cheek, announcing its existence. 

Drip, Drop-

The rain that started since late evening yesterday, had continued on till dawn. It sounded even more wonderful than Jimi Hendrix’s performances. After the bout of rain ends, winter will begin once more in preparation for spring.

He blinked slowly in utmost concentration, as if he were working hard to sharpen a piece of gemstone.

In the cool air, Ha Joyoon’s eyes caught the sight of a man breathing regularly in front of him. Dark eyebrows, long-drawn monolid eyes, a sharp nose, tightly closed lips, somewhat sharp-lined cheeks and chin, an even forehead, and disheveled black hair that was unlike usual. Despite Shin Kwonjoo’s eyes being closed, his unique cool and curt atmosphere still lingered, making the sides of Ha Joyoon’s lips perk up unknowingly. 

The hand Ha Joyoon held out towards him fell back on the sheets without reaching its initial destination. The man’s eyes opened slightly, perhaps from the small movement that made a loud rustling sound. His eyes were unclear, not completely awake.

“You’re not sleeping?”

The hoarse voice made out. At some point, he realized that the number of times the other spoke this naturally with him had become frequent. And he himself, had also gotten used to it. Without a word, Shin Kwonjoo closed his eyes again and reached out.

“I’m going to sleep.”

“… Alright, sleep.”

“…Okay.”

His body that had been disconnected from the other for a short while, was pulled in closer and tightly by the solid arm. Shin Kwonjoo’s hand patting at his back was unfamiliarly soft and unlike its owner. Seeming to have gone back to sleep, the hand that moved rhythmically, slowed down over time and came to a complete stop soon after.

Thump. Thump, thump- 

Their hearts in contact were beating at different paces, but as time went by, he could almost delude himself into thinking that they had slowly and steadily matched heartbeats, both eventually beating at the same pace. Ha Joyoon quietly held his breath, unable to tell exactly.

…A totally different face, a totally different body, a totally different voice, a totally different feeling and a totally different emotion.

Grains of emotions and memories that resembled broken pieces of golden porcelain, were mixed in the falling rain. He let out a long, subtle breath. The conversation they had at the pub. The hands that put him in a car driven by a designated driver. The silence they shared all the way to the officetel. The expressionless face staring out the window. And the hand that didn’t let go of him as they got out of the car.

A serious yet unexplainable emotion had found its way into his heart little by little. So quietly that he never knew to ask when or how it happened. His pale cheeks trembled without a sound. Through the graveness of the situation, Ha Joyoon realized the choice he had to make. 

***

We’re sorry for MTLers or people who like using reading mode, but our translations keep getting stolen by aggregators so we’re going to bring back the copy protection. If you need to MTL please retype the gibberish parts.

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He cried and screamed. He was angry at everyone who simply spoke in professional voices, hugging the items with traces of his lover and squirming in agony. The pain of losing a loved one could not be expressed with any kind of language in the world.  His world collapsed and even the time they spent together had slipped away before he could do anything about it.

Grieving to the point where it was impossible to grieve anymore, resentment and blame took over little by little. His arrow of negative emotions sometimes chose to target Ha Joyoon, and sometimes chose Kang Taejung himself.

How could you just leave without hesitation? Didn’t you expect this kind of outcome at least once? Was your choice only worthy of this kind of end? Why wasn’t I able to stop you? Shouldn’t I have followed you to get you to quit? Shouldn’t I have done everything possible to stop you from doing that job?  

Despite the regrets and resentment he had, his lover did not return and the traces left of him only made Kang Taejung sick and worn out. The longer the absence, the lesser the time one could endure with only memories. He was stuck at point zero, unable to move forward or backward, experiencing the fear of slowly rotting under his feet. Dark winds came out of nowhere and raged a tempest. All of his thoughts and feelings were shattered, and only a devastated grey land remained where the storm swept away.

Each day continued on with him living like a lifeless object. He was stuck in a time where his life had no purpose or meaning. Although he was alive, every day felt no different than being dead. And at some point, his survival instincts whispered in his ears.

Forget.

Forget him. 

Kill that love and forget about him.

***

It had been almost a year since Ha Junghye personally visited Kang Taejung’s home. Seeing her holding a big box as she stood in front of the halfway opened door, Kang Taejung forgot about his meal and hurried over to the front door in a breath. 

“Have you been well?”

“Junghye noona.”

Ha Junghye’s tone was kind as usual as she inquired about his well being, but the reply given was only a word. Just the fact that she was calling his name was enough to make Kang Taejung’s throat feel tight and he let out a few slight coughs. Ha Junghye smiled at the awkward reaction from Kang Taejung and stretched out the box towards him. 

“Here, have this.”

“What’s wrong? And what’s this? Come in first, noona.”

Replying with a rough-sounding voice, he collected the box from her. The face filled with both pleasantries and uneasiness stiffened for a moment. Maybe it was because of how big the box was, but it felt heavy and weighed quite a bit. 

“No worries, I’ll need to leave soon.” 

Even though she was asked to come in for a while, Ha Junghye silently shook her head in decline. It looked like she only came to hand the box over. Sweeping over her hair that was slightly wet from sweat, she looked inside the house for a bit.

“What about your mom?”

“She went to the market.”

“Oh, I see. I thought I’d have to tell her to give it to you. I didn’t realize you’d be here today.” 

“What’s this?”

As per usual, Taejung was curious about its content and carefully shook the box. Ha Junghye let out a small smile as she watched him and then called out his name. “Taejung-ah.” His gentle, downbent eyes moved slightly at the familiar call of his name.

“Yoon asked me to give this to you.”

His hands shaking the box stopped completely when he heard the familiar name. 

“I don’t know what it is. But he told me to be careful while bringing it to you since it contains fragile items.”

“…”

“He asked me to give you since you might feel uncomfortable if he did so himself.”

He could somewhat guess what was inside the box. They were things related to him. Even though his mind felt at ease that Ha Joyoon was ready to settle things, Kang Taejung’s emotions were unable to think as logically as his reasoning. 

In a flash, the light in his eyes faded as he looked forward. Ha Junghye gave a pitting expression as she saw the shattered emotions he couldn’t hide, before moving a step closer.

“It must have been tough for you all this while, right? You said you met someone decent, why does your face look like this?”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Taejung-ah.” 

Her fair hand held onto his firm arm. All the time Kang Taejung had endured quickly flashed back over his eyes as he looked down at her hands. Kind eyes that resembled the one he loved looked at him with warmth.

“We don’t resent you. There’s no way we could do that. You were always so helpful and it was obvious you were having a hard time because of Yoon’s disappearance.”

For whatever reason, he couldn’t say a proper goodbye to Ha Joyoon. The last time with him had been cold, merciless, and discourteous. It was Ha Joyoon who had to overcome the notice of a one-sided breakup alone, and Ha Junghye must have been the one who looked after him. Of course, this wasn’t enough to be cursed and criticized for, but dark guilt poured into Kang Taejung’s heart again from Ha Junghye comforting him.

“Taejung-ah, I was so grateful to you for being with our family when Yoon was missing. But I felt incredibly sorry to see you so broken. That’s why… When it seemed like you had found someone new, I was happy for you. And I really mean it.” 

“…Noona.”

“I hope you stay happy with the person you’re currently dating.”

“Yoon is also getting better. He’s meeting people and going out more compared to before. Unbelievable, right? He used to completely avoid people, now he’s going to company dinners. He’s changed a lot. Although it’s difficult to say he has gotten completely better, he’s trying his best to. My brother is pretty strong so don’t worry too much.”

“Noona…” 

“You know how he is, don’t you? It might be difficult for him now, but he’ll get through it someday. And there’ll be a day when he buries it all as memories like you. When that time comes, you should come over to our house sometime. Let’s have dinner together.”

Ha Junghye was a kind person who found it hard to criticize someone. He knew her words were out of genuine consolation and concern. But Kang Taejung thought it laughable and uncomfortable that he was unable to reply readily.

Just like she said, things were bound to pass. Both his and Ha Joyoon’s emotions, as well. Just like Ha Joyoon had settled through his love of 5 years, Kang Taejung would also settle his feelings towards him. There’d be a time where their words would flow away like they were jokes and the time they spent together would be forgotten, like it never happened.

But… 

Surprised by a dull feeling in his fingers, Kang Taejung lowered his gaze to the place where a sound was heard. He had unknowingly applied force to his hands that were holding the box and dug a hole in the surface. His staring eyes grew darker and darker over time as they filled with pain and agony that he couldn’t fully identify.

A war he had to win. A mountain he had to overcome.

These were words that expressed what kind of person he had become to Ha Joyoon. Kang Taejung had been the one who wanted to forget him, he had been the one who chose to break-up, but he couldn’t understand his own emotions. Feelings he couldn’t hold in pushed its head past the surface of the water. Those feelings were incredibly selfish to the point where he couldn’t even say it within him.

“…What about Yoon’s health?” 

“He’s fine. He’s gotten alot better. You don’t have to worry, just focus on yourself.”

“…”

“Take care of yourself.”

Kang Taejung forced down a swallow and tried his best to whisper a farewell greeting filled with thanks. His heavy voice was lower than usual and gloominess lingered in the air. 

How are you doing? It’s been a long time since I saw your face. What about your health? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to act like that to you. I’m really…

Words that had no listener remained in his throat. He tried to stop his eyes from moving back to the box, but visions of memories he wanted to hide kept on coming back to him. He thought it was just lingering attachment, lingering attachment that couldn’t be fully buried. He had to think that way. For the sake of his petty cowardice and elusive nature. One that he couldn’t pluck up the courage to get rid of.