What Kind Of Newbie Are You?! They Said That “Summoner” Is A Terrible Job, Yet They Call Her The Las

T/N: NSFW ahead: bloodless but graphic violence, physical torture, and non-explicit sexual content.

I’m honestly surprised this series hasn’t been explicitly labeled R-15 or has the “Cruel Depictions” warning.

Johann and her friends arrived at the Dark Elf Village. Although it was called a village, it looked more like an apartment complex made by hollowing out a huge tree.

The center of the village was surrounded by several large walls that obscured their view, and what seemed to be Caron’s boyfriend’s screams echoed from beyond them.

“UAAAAAAHHH! SOME-SOMEBODY SAVE MEEEEE!”

“All the dark elves are behind that wall,” Zecca said. “It should be easy to get close to them, yeah?”

“Right…” Johann said. “Let’s get closer. Now then, Mr. Karon, just a little bit more, we’re almost there.”

Whenever she heard her boyfriend scream, Caron’s shoulders shook and her expression turned pale. They don’t think he’s suffered that much because it’s just an in-game Event, but well, if someone important to Caron is being tortured, she wouldn’t be calm.

Considering that, the four came to just before the walls.

“Guhnu… aaaahh…. HIYAAAAAAA!”

“Now then, how do we, you know… attack?” Zecca whispered.

“Let’s instantly kill everyone with Sword Angel’s Gate of the Heavens,” Johann whispered.

“I feel like it’s a bit of a waste to use that… but, it does seem to be the safest way,” Zecca whispered back.

“SORAAAA! I’M HERE TO SAVE YOOOOUUU!!” Caron screamed.

“Huh?!” the other three gasped.

Caron yells at her boyfriend through the wall. From the other side, a voice that seems to belong to a dark elf called out, “What’s going on?”

“What are you doing!?” Zecca cried, indignantly holding up her sword. “For goodness sake, this is why people who have boyfriends are so…”

“Caron… Caron, is that you…?” Caron’s boyfriend said. “Don’t come near, don’t come NEARAAAAAAAAHHHH-GYAAAUIHYAIIIiiii…! You-You can’t… you won’t stand a CHAAANNCCEEE!”

“It’ll be alright!” Caron cried. “I brought strong people with me!! I’m going over there right now!”

“Uhyoh…” Caron’s boyfriend panted. “Don’t come… this is… I can’t let you see this—NNNHHHHOOO!”

“Are you alright?! Sora, are you alright?!” Caron yelled.

“Le-Leave me alone, save yourself… RUUUUUNNNNN-EEEEEHHHH!”

Johann, Zecca, and Remma stare coldly at the romantic farce unfolding before their eyes.

“Something’s not right with her boyfriend, huh??” Zecca asked.

“Yes, something’s not right,” Johann started.

“… Those aren’t screams of distress…” Remma said.

“They’re screams of delight,” the three finished.

“I think I can already see the punch line… Excalibur!” Johann cried, activating Sword Angel’s Skill.

A beam sword extends from the base of her right arm. Additionally, she gets a +80 Strength boost.

“HAAAAAAHHHHH!!”

The beam sword makes a horizontal flash of light. The walls covering the center of the village are destroyed. And as they dissolve into particles of light and disappear, they could finally see what was happening behind them.

“Come on, come on… hurry up and surrender to me already. How about here? Will this be the key?” a dark elf said.

“NnnHOOOOO… YEAAAAAHHHHH!”

There were many dark elves on the other side of the wall. They are very beautiful dark elves with brown skin and silver hair and their clothes only cover the most important parts that should not be shown, such as their nipples.

Caron’s boyfriend, Sora, was lying on his back and had his limbs restrained by 4 dark elves. That alone was enough for him to enjoy the dark elves’ bodies, but to make matters worse, the Dark Elf Queen was stomping on Sora’s face with her bare feet.

“Fuck, fuck… I… won’t lose… no matter what this looks like… as a man, I have my… my pride, I won’t lose it… run away, CAROONNNNNN!!”

Caron’s boyfriend was saying something inspiring, but his eyes were staring intently at the crotch of the Dark Elf Queen, just to the side of the foot and leg stomping on his face. Did one specific developer take this Event too far? They have to wonder.

“This is terrible… what manner of torture is this,” Johann said flatly.

“If you’re a woman, you’ll be furious at the sight of this because… what’s with those oversized breasts!?” Zecca yelled.

“… Hawawawa,” Remma blubbered, blushing.

“Remma-chan, go hide over here,” Johann said.

“… Yeah, I will… the stimulation is too strong for me,” Remma said, still red-faced.

With how focused Sora was on seeing the Queen’s secret area, he didn’t notice that Caron had come to his and was right beside him.

“… Hey, Sora-kun… what are you talking about?” Caron asked.

“I see… I see… I can almost… huh…?” Sora whispered.

He seemed to return to his senses almost instantly. Caron’s eyes were as if she was looking at walking garbage.

Johann and Zecca couldn’t say that they had never seen a human with such cold eyes.

“You-You-You-You-You’ve come to save me… Caron… you-you could have just r-ru-ru-run away, but I-I-I-I-I-I I’m glad you di-di-d-di-didn’t run,” Sora stammered while paling.

“Johann-san, Zecca-san,” Caron said. “It appears that my boyfriend has already been killed.”

“Huh?” Johann, Zecca, and Sora all say, their voices overlapping.

“My boyfriend has already been killed,” Sora replied. “That’s why you should defeat the dark elves, please. I’ll give you all the item drops.”

“Wai-Wait… you came here to save your boyfriend, right?” Zecca said.

“Yes,” Johann said. “He’s just a man. You should give him a little slack…”

“I’ll deal with him,” Caron said.

“Okay,” Zecca and Johann said.

“Guh-GYAAAAHHH, SOMEBODY HELP ME!” Sora yelled.

The dark elves stand in the way of Johann and Zecca as they prepared for battle.

“We don’t need human women in this village,” one of the dark elves said. “You’re finished!”

The armed dark elves stand in their way. Zecca fights with two swords, and Johann attacks with her favorite skill, “Black Flame.”

“… Hmm,” Johann hummed to herself.

“Hold up, what are you doing, Johann-san?!” Zecca cried. “You need to focus.”

Johann saw the dark elves and something came to mind. Their faces. She thinks they look like someone she knows. All the dark elves have the same face. Even the Queen has the same facial features, it’s just that her clothes were more extravagant instead. While fighting and thinking that the faces of those dark elves resemble someone, an idea suddenly comes to mind.

“UWAAAAAAHHHHH, AIKAWA-SENPAIIIIIIII, PLEASE SAVEEEEE MEEEEEEE!”

“Oh, your faces look like that girl!” Johann said.

“Eh, a look-alike? Johann-san? You sound like you’re having the best day today, what’s going on?” Zecca asked.

“Hey, Zecca-chan,” Johann said. “Can you leave fighting the dark elves to me?”

“Su-Sure, that’s fine, but… ah, Johann-san, you’re scaring me,” Zecca said.

Johann takes a step forward. The dark elves formed a formation to protect the Queen and aimed the staves in their hands at her. Then, they cast magic all at once.

“Curse of Binding!!”

“Curse of Binding!!”

“Curse of Binding!!”

It’s Dark Magic that causes the Seal Movement Abnormal Status. However, when the spells hit Johann, they just bounce back and hit the dark elf who cast them. Buster Beetle’s Beetle Armor, the Skill that reflected Abnormal Status Spells, was to thank for that.

“Guh… ahhh…” the dark elves moan as so many of them are completely motionless.

Johann watched the situation gleefully, produced Excalibur from her right arm, and cut each one of them in half.

The bisected dark elves become particles and disappear.

“Aha… this game is so fun!!” Johann laughed.

The darkness she had been hoarding for a week was being released. No one can stop her now.

“Kuh… don’t get carried away…!!” the dark elves yelled as Seal Movement wears off.

When Johann dismisses Excalibur and activates Fighting Spirit: Ultimate, she punches away the dark elves charging at her. Doubled in power by the Skill, her unarmed strikes became more than 1000+ Strength’s worth of damage, making the dark elves explode into particles with a single punch.

“Damn it, you’re insane!” one of the last dark elves cries as she tries to grapple at Johann.

Johann dodges and then grabs the dark elf’s neck with her left hand and her head with her right. “I’ve caught you…!”

And then Johann rips her head off.

“Fufu… just like a fish, huh?”

The head and the spine instantly disappear with a blood-like damage effect.

“Are you going to fight me, the Dark Elf Queen? Impossible,” the Queen said.

Only the Queen remains. The Queen has no fear of Johann because she is a monster character. The Queen wields an over-decorated staff and unleashes the exact same spells as her subordinates.

Naturally, it rebounds, and the Queen herself becomes unable to move. Johann toys with the Queen, pulling her hair and picking her nose.

“Kuh… I’ll kill you…” the Queen gasps.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Johann said. “Your face looks exactly like someone I know… tsui.”

Johann patted the Queen’s face regretfully and steps back a bit.

“BIIIIEEEEEEEE, IT’S A COCKROAACCCHHHH, AIKAWA-SENPAI, SAVE MEEEE PLEEEASSSSEEE.”

For some reason, Johann was reminded of such an old memory, so she used it to decide the Skill that would finish off the battle.

“BUG!!!”

From the gaps in Johann’s armor, small insects gushed out, each drawing a different trajectory as they headed towards the Queen. Then, crawling up from the Queen’s feet, the giant horde of insects resembling female beetles swarm around her whole body.

After enjoying the Queen’s anguished expression, Johann clenches her hand covered in shadow. That was the detonator key, and all the insects explode. The Dark Elf Queen has disappeared.

“Oh, that was so much fun!” Johann cried. “It was such a great stress reliever!”

With Johann having released all the stress she’d unknowingly accumulated over the week, she has such beautiful, bright eyes like a young girl. Though, it’s completely unseen for her armor.

“Jo-Johann-san,” Zecca said. “Please help me out, too, when you’re done~.”

Johann looked back, and there was another battle taking place.

Caron had picked Sora up by his lapels and is slapping his face. Next to Caron is a teary-eyed Zecca who keeps healing Sora.

“Zecca-san, use Heal,” Caron said. “It’s my boyfriend, he’s about to die.”

“Umm… isn’t because of you that he’s about to die, Caron-san…?” Zecca said.

“Could you please hurry up?” Caron said.

“…… Okay,” Zecca said.

“Hmm, so this is the real Torture of the Dark Elf (Village), huh?” Johann said.

“No, please don’t say something so ridiculous, please stop her,” Zecca whimpered.

After that, when Caron made a blood sacrifice of the man who used to be her boyfriend,

“I’m going to go to That Thing’s house for a while after this. We’ve got a lot to discuss. Thank you so much for helping.”

And with that, Caron logged out.

“Now then, I think we’ve solved the mystery of this Banned Event called the ‘Torture of the Dark Elves’,” Zecca said.

She had finally stopped shaking and could sum up the facts she’s gathered so far.

“It’s a complete joke by the management,” Zecca said.

“Well, that’s right,” Johann said.

“… But what about the accounts you heard, Zecca…?” Remma asked.

“Ah, it’s a story I heard from someone named Roland,” Zecca said.

“Ah, that pick-up artist, huh?” Johann said.

“Yeah,” Zecca said. “I guess he was trying to keep women from going by saying that it’s harsh or that women can’t stand it. If a woman goes there, she’ll complain about it to the developers.”

“Well, it’s a game that children can play, so it’s only natural,” Johann said.

“Yeah… it’s not good for their education,” Remma said.

As expected, the female players who participated in this Event were furious. Naturally, male players with decent sensibilities must have also objected. This event has since been Banned.

“So, the clear condition is to free yourself from that imprisonment and annihilate the dark elves. Then, you can get this item called Earrings of Love. It has a powerful attribute of Nullify All Charm Abnormal Status.”

“By the way, did Roland-san clear it?” Johann asked.

“I don’t think so,” Zecca said.

“Like I thought,” Johann said.

They ultimately decided it would be good for Zecca or Remma to have this Earring of Love.

“…Hey, there are items on the ground here too,” Remma said.

“Ah, you’re right,” Zecca said. “It was probably dropped by the dark elves other than the Queen.”

“Oh my… this is a summoning stone… and it’s a dark elf… I’m happy,” Johann said, smiling behind her helmet.

“… You can summon Dark Elves with this, can’t you?” Remma asked.

“Uwah, you can’t use it in front of a man…” Zecca said. “I hate characters with such stupidly large chests… Johann-san? What’s wrong, why are you laughing like that?” she said fearfully.

Johann was quietly cackling. “It’s nothing, it’s just that these dark elves look like an acquaintance of mine, a funny coincidence.”

“Oh, is that so, they look like someone you… wait, just now you killed those dark elves so brutally while laughing like a Demon King, so does that mean… muguh,” Zecca gasped, as Remma blocked her hand with her mouth.

Johann lovingly strokes the Dark Elf Summoning Stone and whispers, “… Let’s be friends forever, okay?”

No one knows Johann’s expression behind the mask then.

And with her darkness purged, Johann would return to her kind and cute self next time.