I am Destined to Die

His glassy eyes flickered as if he were looking at something other than him. His usually impeccable self became anxious, like a child afraid of abandonment. Soon, tears streamed down his cheeks like a dam breaking.

“I’m not going to tell you to disappear now, wait, maybe I’m crazy, so stay with me, okay?”

All he could do was stare at him dumbfounded, afraid he was going to disappear again.

“Don’t hate me, hyung …Don’t abandon me.”

All this time, he’s been wondering. Why Simeon would blindly search for John, why he would lock him in <Portrait of Saint-Germain> and watch him for days on end, and why he would have such a chauvinistic reaction when I described John as ‘precious’. How he keeps himself trapped in the past, while at the same time trying to escape it somehow.

But now that I see him, I get it.

It was a love-hate relationship, a twisted affection and hatred that gnawed at him relentlessly. The remnants of his past lingered as visions, preventing him from moving forward. Simeon tried to ignore the visions, even though he knew they would make him sick. What is it like to know that the liquid in a bottle is poison, but to drink it anyway?

“Please don’t disappear before my eyes.”

What kind of willpower is that?

Suddenly, he remembered what Simeon had said to him when he told him the conditions for letting him off the leash.

‘No matter what you do to someone you love or hate, you can’t get them out of your head. No matter where you are or what you do, you can’t get them out of your mind …plus the feelings of love and hate that go along with it.’

How had he forgotten.

That he didn’t open up to anyone at the orphanage, not because he didn’t like people, but because he was afraid of separation. That he’s not the only one struggling with this contradictory relationship. That it’s harder for those who stay than those who leave.

He took his scarred hand in his and whispered softly.

“…I’m, sorry.”

It took him a long time to get the words out, like something was stuck in his throat. He knows he doesn’t deserve his tears. But how could he remain calm when the person he wanted the most to be happy was unhappy because of him?

As he sobbed wordlessly, Simeon dutifully wiped the tears from his eyes, making sure the scratches didn’t hurt.

“Hyung. Don’t cry, it’s my fault, it’s all my fault.”

Every time he repeated the same words, it felt like his heart was being stabbed in the chest. He’s the one who should be sorry, he’s the one who should be asking for forgiveness…. Nothing he could say now would free him from this pain. But he could take his mind off it, if only for a moment.

“Michael.”

He murmured the angel’s name as he held his hand against his cheek. Then a ray of light emerged from the darkness. The pale light transformed into the shape of a bird, gliding gently through the air. The light from its wings dappled his black hair and his eyes, which seemed to never close, slowly closed.

He picked up the staggering Simeon and whispered in his ear.

“I resolve never to sin again and to avoid every opportunity to do so.”

This is a prayer of penitence, a touch of hope for salvation.

It’s not him who committed a crime that won’t be washed away by hundreds of repents…

“Have mercy on him.”

For he has sinned too many times to ask for forgiveness.

“I deserve to be forsaken….”

But not this man who is broken because of him, not this child who has nowhere to turn.

“Please… take care of the most forsaken souls.”

No sooner had he finished praying than Simeon fell unconscious and though he tried to support himself, thinking that he would be badly hurt if he continued to fall, he overlooked the fact that a fainting man is heavier than he could have imagined.

“Ugh…!”

Unable to support his weight, he was thrown off and slammed backwards into the wall. It was a good thing the wall was there, or he would have fallen backwards on Simeon. Holding on to the body of a fainted man who was at least a foot taller than him was difficult even for a man of my size.

He struggled to his feet and eventually called out for help from the doorway.

“Raphael!”

As soon as his name was called, Raphael opened the door and came in. Fortunately, as soon as Simeon collapsed, the boundary hanging on the door seems to have disappeared. Raphael became contemplative when he saw me sitting against the wall and barely embracing Simeon.

“W, what about the guild leader, is he okay?”

“He’s just asleep, we should probably move him to a bed.”

“Oh…! Wait a minute!”

Raphael rushed outside and from somewhere he brought a bodyguard with him. After a cursory explanation of the situation, the bodyguard didn’t seem surprised to see me and he came over and helped Simeon to his feet, carrying him safely to the bed.

The bodyguard quietly tucked Simeon under the covers and turned to Raphael.

“Is there anything else you need?”

“Not at the moment, but if anyone asks for me or the guild leader, please tell them we’re busy.”

“Okay.”

After the bodyguard left, he took a closer look at Simeon’s condition. In the bright light of day, his features were haggard, his face gaunt and his eyes sunken as if he hadn’t slept in days. But it was his hands that needed the most attention. Throwing and breaking everything he could get his hands on, had left them looking like they had been rolling on broken glass.

As he stood there, not knowing where to start, Raphael sat down on the bed and said,

“I’ll do it now.”

One by one, Raphael touched the various gemstones, and before long, he placed a dark-colored gemstone on Simeon’s hand. A moment later, he shattered it with a sharp jolt of energy, and black light burst forth. The light spread out like smoke, and the wound healed quickly. It was only when he finally saw the color return to his pale face that he was relieved.

“Haa….”

Raphael let out a deep sigh, his body sagging as if all the tension had been released at once. He patted him on the shoulder, much to his surprise.

“Good work.”

“You did all the hard work …Thank you so much.”

There was none of his usual playfulness as he bowed politely. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room. He didn’t know what to say, so he just looked around, but Raphael opened his mouth carefully first.

“What did the guild leader say to you?”

“That…….”

He didn’t look like he was trying to figure out if he was telling the truth. Simeon had spoken quite loudly, so if anyone was outside trying to eavesdrop, they would have heard enough. As an honest child, he wishes he could tell him the truth, but with ‘John’ involved, he was reluctant to reveal Simeon’s secret.

“I can’t say it myself because I think it’s his private life.”

“Oh…. I suppose.”

A deep shadow fell over Raphael’s face as he sighed deeply, and he wondered if it was him he was worried about.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell anyone about what happened today because I’m a liptighted and the leash won’t let me anyway.”

“I wasn’t worried about that. You’re not the kind of person to talk about things behind our back.”

“Oh, well ……Yes.”

He smiled awkwardly, avoiding his stare.

What a good person he must look like in those innocent eyes, when in reality he’s not as good as he thinks he is, nor is he a good influence on Simeon, and he feels a pang of guilt.

He was lost in thought for a moment when he suddenly heard a determined voice.

“Hajae hyung, I will repay this debt one day.”

“Hmm? You don’t have to, I offered to help you.”

“Still.”

The air around Raphael still feels heavy. It bothered him that Rafael, who was still a sweetheart, kept getting into trouble because of him. Trying to change the mood somehow, he smiled coyly.

“Then let’s call it repaying the debt for healing me back in the day, shall we?”

He said it half-jokingly, half-seriously, but Rafael still looked serious and shook his head vigorously.

“That’s not good enough.”

“Oh, that’s okay.”

“If you need my abilities in the future, just let me know. If it’s hyung, I’ll help you anytime.”

The look in his eyes as he turned to Simeon in silence was so serious that he couldn’t play along anymore. He ran a hand through his hair, embarrassed that he had laughed to himself. Raphael’s gaze suddenly fell on his forehead.

“That wound is….”

He was surprised with contemplation, so he touched his forehead and felt a slight sting. It was a wound caused by a glass thrown by Simeon earlier. It didn’t hurt in particular, so he just remembered it now, but Raphael asked with a worried face if he thought he had hidden it on purpose.

“Did the guild leader hurt you?”

The air felt even heavier, and he quickly tidied his bangs.

“Oh. Well, it’s nothing.”

“No. The more I see of you, the more I think you’re taking your body for granted.”

“It’s funny how you fuss over a little scratch.”

Raphael waved his hands in the air, but it didn’t stop him from digging through his jewellery pockets. It seemed like he was really trying to use his powers over a mere glass cut, so he grabbed his wrist and jokingly stopped him.