I am Destined to Die

”Ehhh, doctor. These things get better quickly if you leave them alone.”

“Hajae-hyung. Don’t make fun of small wounds.”

“It’s a waste of a gemstone. I’ll put some medicine on it later, I promise.”

I held out my pinky as a promise, and Raphael narrowed his eyes at me as if I were being unreasonable. Just then, a mobile phone rang. Out of habit, I put my hands in my trouser pockets, realized that it wasn’t mine that was vibrating, and smirked as I looked at Raphael.

“What can I do about this, doctor. You got a call? Sorry about the treatment, but maybe next time.”

I playfully squinted one eye, and Raphael sighed in defeat. I see a smile, albeit a very thin one, play across his lips, and I’m relieved. But as soon as he pulled out his phone and checked the recipient, his expression hardened slightly. It didn’t look like a welcome call.

“Is this an urgent call?”

“…A little.”

”Then go get it, and I’ll keep an eye on him.”

After looking back and forth between his phone and Simeon, Raphael finally stood up.

“I’ll be gone for a while, then.”

“Yeah, yeah. Bye.”

I smiled and waved gently, like a teacher seeing off a student, but wiped the smile off my face as soon as the door closed behind me. Only after the popular pretense outside the door was gone did I pull a seashell from my pocket and drop it to the floor.

“Michael …Thanks.”

The seashell glistened in the bright light and was quickly sucked into the shadows. It had paid its price. I don’t know what Simeon is dreaming about now, but I hope it doesn’t involve me.

As I watched Simeon sleep unmoving, I suddenly remembered the wrist I had seen earlier. I carefully turned his hand over from under the covers and ran my index finger down the watchband. The sharp edge of the blade was still visible above the blue veins. Apparently even Raphael couldn’t erase old scars.

‘Only a small part of the apostles know, but the guild leader has a Sabbath.’

At a time when they should be most at peace, they suffer the most. When had he ever had a ‘sabbatical’, why had he been hallucinating, and how many times had he locked himself in a dark room-as many scars as he had, or as many nights as had passed since he’d been separated from me?

I felt unspeakable guilt and vague doubts. We’ve only been together for a year. Of course, I’ve had a ridiculous number of feelings for him in a year, and I’ve worked hard to move on since we broke up, so my life hasn’t been completely ruined.

But Simeon… no, that’s Heo-sang…….

‘You’ve ruined everything for me, and I don’t even know if I’m alive or dead, because of one man who doesn’t know if he’s dead or alive.’

I wasn’t just a passing fever for him. Was the one year we were together heavier than the seven years we were apart, and had he forgotten me for a single moment in all those years? The thought made my already messed-up head spin into a more complicated shape.

I blame myself for making him suffer for so long, but I’m relieved that he hasn’t forgotten me. I despair that he and I are the same, but I rejoice that he still wants me. I value him more than I value myself, and despite that, I feel inflamed that I’m determined to continue to hide my identity.

“…Crazy.”

It was me, not him, who was the real madman. I smirked and ran my fingertips over the scar on his wrist.

Suddenly, Simeon grabbed my hand. I squirmed in surprise, trying to pull away, but his grip was so tight that I couldn’t move. I opened my eyes to find Simeon staring at me with half-open eyes.

“Who…….”

I felt a sharp alertness like a thorn in my voice. I thought he was still half asleep, so I purposely answered in a tone-high voice.

“Are you awake? You can sleep a little longer.”

“…….hyung?”

My heart sank at the mere mention of the title. Are you still hallucinating? I asked him, bending down, to see his face well.

“Don’t you know who I am?”

Each time he blinked, a little bit of focus returned to his glassy eyes. It wasn’t long before Simeon was fully conscious and sat up in bed, his wide eyes trembling as if to reflect his confusion.

“Why is Shin Hajae here….”

“Raphael must be good, seeing as how you were about to die.”

“I asked you why you’re here.”

He glared at me like he was going to kill me, so I told him the truth.

“I’m here because Raphael asked me to, because you’ve been locked in a room that even the apostles can’t open for two weeks, and you won’t come out.”

“Two weeks……?”

Simeon was only puzzled by the length of time he’d been trapped. In the meantime, my wrists began to ache from the grip he had on them, so I nudged his arm and said,

“Now that I’ve allayed your suspicions, can you let go of me?”

“…. Ah.”

With a small sigh, Simeon obediently released my wrist. I thought the situation was over, but Simeon remained deep in thought for some time afterwards. His eyes rolled back and forth as if he were pondering something, and suddenly he looked at me with a cold gaze.

“I… Did I say something strange to Shin Hajae?”

“Strange things?”

“Something I would never say to you.”

For some reason, Simeon is watching me. As soon as I read the nervousness in his expression, I realize one important thing. He’d forgotten everything about the last two weeks, not to mention what he’d seen and said to me.

Inwardly relieved, but outwardly natural, I said,

“You didn’t.”

“Lies.”

“…No, if you weren’t going to believe me anyway, why did you ask?”

At a loss for words, Simeon clamped his mouth shut.

It’s a memory that doesn’t do him any favors. But keeping it under wraps will only make Simeon’s condition worse. If you feel responsible, you must bring it up, even if he pushes it away. But how do you get him to let down his guard? Nothing will work with Simeon now, not when he’s psychologically unstable.

I try to break the ice and speak to him in a friendly manner.

“How are you feeling? Aren’t you hungry?”

“It’s nothing to do with Shin Hajae-ssi.”

In his adamant dismissal of my interest, I could see myself from when I was first captured and brought here. I don’t know how I ended up in the opposite situation, but in any case, the more curious party always ends up getting the short end of the stick.

“Do I really look like an unrelated person?”

Simeon frowned as I swept my bangs back to reveal a glass cut.

”Did I hurt you?”

“Yes. I was trying to calm you down and you threw a cup at me.”

“I’ll …. ask Raphael to heal you later.”

Still apologizing, Simeon’s demeanor softened. It was nice that the iron barrel wall had come down a little, but there was a reason I’d deliberately left the wound untreated.

“You don’t have to. Raphael offered to heal it, and I refused.”

“…Why?”

“I thought I could use your guilt to get you to listen.”

Not a single change in my complexion changed, and I came out shamelessly. Simeon smiled in desbelief.

“Shin Hajae-ssi. Why are you suddenly like this? I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore?”

”I did, but I wanted to hear the story.”

“I mean, why?”

The softly smiling lips and languid voice were gentle. But the dark pupils in his finely slanted eyes weren’t smiling at all. They were staring straight at me, and I was overwhelmed and backed away.

I wondered if it would do any good to tell his story, or if I should even gamble on getting him to open up. Taking a moment to catch my breath, I blurted out the name I thought I’d never say again.

“John.”

Simeon’s expression visibly hardened at that moment, and he didn’t waste any time in speaking.

“You thought I was John, and you told me quite a few things.”

“What…….”

“That he left you. That you can’t die even if you want to because of him. …And yet you ask him not to leave you, all of it.”

The man who was so good at hiding his feelings broke down at the mere mention of the word ‘John’. His dark pupils dilated under his long lashes. Just when I was sure I had it, I heard a light chuckle. I heard a light chuckle and looked up to see Simeon smiling as if I’d seen him before.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Shin Hajae-ssi.”

“…For what?”

“You’ve got a weakness that could make you a fortune, but you can’t tell anyone because of the leash.”

It was unmistakable sarcasm that lingered on his lips. The unexpected reaction left me speechless. Simeon poured himself another drink, stroked his chin as if realizing something, and muttered,

“Oh…. that’s why you told me? To get the money you should have been paid by the media?”