Lack of Love

Zhong Qiran heard the doorbell and went to open the door. He saw Li Qi standing there and stepped aside to let him into the house.

Zhong Qiran had encountered difficulties in his studies, so he invited Li Qi over to discuss it together. Although they were researching different topics, Li Qi had more work experience and there were many aspects that Zhong Qiran could refer to.

Now Zhong Qiran truly saw him as a friend, so he didn’t hold back.

After Li Qi entered the house, he looked around at Zhong Qiran’s living space and jokingly said, “If I didn’t know I had no chance, I would think your invitation had a different implication.”

Li Qi was genuinely more open-minded now, which allowed him to make such jokes.

Zhong Qiran didn’t want to pay attention to him and instead focused on the beer Li Qi had brought, asking, “Your fracture has just healed, is it okay to drink so soon?”

“Forget it, my winter vacation was ruined. I could only stay in the hospital, it was so boring. Since I had the opportunity to come here, I thought of celebrating a bit.”

“Celebrating your discharge?”

“Celebrating being single.”

Zhong Qiran smiled, didn’t say anything further, and thought to himself, let him think what he wants.

The two of them seriously discussed their studies for a while, and during a break, Li Qi suddenly asked, “Why can’t it be me?”

It had been three months since their last encounter, and now he was asking this question. On one hand, he felt that both of them had eased their attitudes, and on the other hand, he genuinely wanted to know the reason.

Zhong Qiran did appreciate Li Qi, but it ended there. He couldn’t let go of Yan Hao, which was one reason, but more importantly, “We’re not compatible.”

“You haven’t tried, how do you know we’re not compatible?”

“I knew it from the beginning.” Zhong Qiran analyzed, “Do you remember when I told you? I got married during college, and because of that, I even gave up going to graduate school. On the other hand, you’re the opposite. For the sake of your career, you can give up love. So even if we are together now, we might separate in the future for certain reasons.”

Li Qi paused for a moment and said, “You’re thinking too far ahead, who can be sure about the future.”

“That’s the difference in our values regarding love, that’s why I say we’re not compatible. Do you understand? I want more than just temporary happiness.”

Hearing this, Li Qi became curious, “Does your previous… have the same view as you?”

Zhong Qiran remembered the past, and inevitably fell silent. But he admitted, “Yes, for me, he went against his family, although it didn’t come to a complete break, but he gave me a sense of security. Looking back now, I was too weak at that time, only thinking about avoiding trouble, and his way of doing things was too direct and forceful. We both had our shortcomings. It’s not a bad thing that we separated.”

“Do you still love him?”

Zhong Qiran didn’t answer that question.

“Do you still keep in touch?”

Three months had passed, and he had heard nothing from that person. Without thinking, Zhong Qiran replied, “No.”

“It’s a pity.”

He didn’t know whether it was a pity or not, but he thought their fate should end here. Perhaps it was because of bringing up past relationships that he especially didn’t want to be alone tonight. He opened a can of beer, casually asking, “Will you stay overnight tonight?”

Li Qi was a bit surprised, knowing that Zhong Qiran was somewhat reclusive and didn’t like being disturbed, “Is that okay?”

“Well, it took you two hours to come here. Besides, we both have internships tomorrow, so we can go to the company together.”

“Okay, I’ll stay here tonight then.” Li Qi deliberately teased, “Shall we sleep together?”

“You’re daydreaming.”

Zhong Qiran didn’t know that this casual gesture would bring about a different change in his life.

After finishing their internship the next day, they parted ways. When Zhong Qiran returned home, he saw someone who shouldn’t have been there, Yan Hao, standing downstairs in his apartment building.

Zhong Qiran was stunned for several seconds, still not reacting.

Yan Hao had already walked up to him, speaking faster than usual, “I have something to tell you.”

Zhong Qiran felt that he looked somewhat haggard and restless, but he didn’t think much of it. “How did you know I live here?”

Yan Hao didn’t answer that question and directly asked, “Don’t you want to know the real reason for our divorce?”

Zhong Qiran had wanted to know the answer, but after waiting for a year without getting the desired outcome, he didn’t want to dwell on it anymore. Now this person took the initiative to speak.

He silently looked at Yan Hao for a moment, then shook his head, “I don’t want to know now.”

Lack of sleep and the eagerness to confirm their relationship made Yan Hao slightly anxious. He lost his former calm and unknowingness, “Zhong Qiran, I know you blame me.”

Zhong Qiran helplessly said, “I don’t blame you. It was a decision agreed upon by both of us.”

“If I tell you that I lost my feelings after the car accident, would you believe me?”Zhong Qiran looked at him in shock, unable to speak for a long time.

Yan Hao continued, “I have no emotional response to others’ emotions. Including myself, I feel indifferent to everything.”

“Why didn’t you say it earlier?” Zhong Qiran suddenly felt somewhat ridiculous, as if he was being played with. “So why are you telling me now?”

Yan Hao didn’t pay attention at the time because he couldn’t experience the value of emotions. So whether he said it or not didn’t matter. But when Zhong Qiran asked like this, he didn’t know how to answer. Should he say that he regretted it? Or should he say that he actually saw Zhong Qiran as a remedy? Hoping that he could heal himself. Regardless of what reasons he gave, Zhong Qiran might believe him. But the one thing he knew for sure was that he didn’t believe in love.

Zhong Qiran didn’t pursue his answer. He seemed to have given up a long time ago. “I don’t love you anymore.”

When Yan Hao heard these words, he felt an inexplicable pain in his heart. “But you’re still willing to sleep with me?”

“Just to satisfy desires.”

Yan Hao suddenly felt blank in his mind, unable to think of anything.

“Yan Hao, we’re already over. I can’t revolve around you like before. I want to pursue my studies, and there are many things I need to do…” Zhong Qiran was expressing his desire for freedom, a regret he couldn’t fulfill in the past. And now, he couldn’t sacrifice anything more for Yan Hao because the price he had paid was too great.

Whatever Zhong Qiran said, Yan Hao couldn’t listen now. He just wanted to know, “So you don’t want to go back with me?”

Zhong Qiran shook his head and said, “Have you ever liked something so much that you would get angry if anyone touched it, but one day you stopped caring and discarded it without hesitation? Emotions aren’t objects, they can’t be easily discarded or severed. And that’s how you made me feel , discarded because you don’t need me anymore, and only coming back when you do.”

“So, how should I respond to you?”

In the end, the conversation between the two ended with Zhong Qiran’s words. Yan Hao couldn’t convince Zhong Qiran because he couldn’t convince himself.

He could dominate in negotiations but lost miserably in love.

Yan Hao could only return to his home country alone.

Zhong Qiran didn’t know how Yan Hao was doing afterward. After their separation, they had almost half a year without contact.

Until one day, Yan’s mother came to M country to find Zhong Qiran herself.

Zhong Qiran was surprised because in his impression, Yan’s mother was very stubborn, a proud woman who would never lower herself to beg him. But the fact proved that a great mother could indeed endure humiliation for her son. Although her actions were wrong in the beginning, she even caused the current situation.

If possible, Zhong Qiran didn’t want to see her, but if she personally came here, it had to be a big deal.

Zhong Qiran made an appointment with her at a coffee shop and took the lead, asking, “What’s going on?”

Yan’s mother said, “If I’m not mistaken, you saved Xiaohao once, and in reality, he saved you twice, right?”

Counting the car accident and the avalanche incident, it was indeed twice. Zhong Qiran didn’t know why she suddenly brought this up, but he still answered, “Yes.”

Yan’s mother’s expression remained unchanged, but her eyes seemed slightly red. “So this time, he needs saving. Will you help him?”

When Zhong Qiran heard this, his mind went blank for a moment. “What happened to him?”

Yan’s mother didn’t know how to express herself with so many words, so she used the simplest phrase, “He needs you.”