Lack of Love

Zhong Qiran was angry at Yan’s mother, that was true, but he couldn’t just leave Yan Hao in such a state.

From up close , he could clearly see how exhausted Yan Hao looked, with dark sunken eye sockets, bloodshot eyes, and a significant decline in his previous vigor. He recalled the doctor’s instructions and said, “Get some more sleep.”

Yan Hao didn’t respond and continued to gaze at him with determination.

Zhong Qiran had no choice but to say, “I won’t leave. I’ll stay here with you.”

Yan Hao opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but in the end, he couldn’t speak. It seemed like he had finally realized his own weakness, clinging to Zhong Qiran as if he had exhausted all his strength.

Zhong Qiran felt that Yan Hao’s hand was trembling even more intensely than before. He didn’t want anyone to see Yan Hao in such a frail and powerless state, so he gently placed his other hand on the back of Yan Hao’s hand and whispered, “Go to sleep. “Yan Hao felt the warmth on the back of his hand, as if finding solace. He was lulled to sleep by Zhong Qiran’s gentle tone and closed his eyes.

Yan Hao slept deeply and was undisturbed by any noise. Zhong Qiran stood for an hour, unable to retrieve his hand. He had to ask someone to bring a chair and sat by Yan Hao’s bedside.

Yan’s mother, who had been standing at the door, had left at some point, and only the doctor remained to continue observing Yan Hao’s sleep.

Zhong Qiran had rushed over all the way, feeling anxious and exhausted. He simply lay down by Yan Hao’s bed and fell asleep, temporarily not wanting to think about anything.

He was awakened by hunger at night, and when he woke up, Yan Hao was still asleep.

At that moment, the doctor was examining Yan Hao’s body and made a gesture to indicate that Zhong Qiran shouldn’t wake him up.

Zhong Qiran nodded and gestured to his own hand, asking the doctor to help free his hand.

But he didn’t leave; he even had dinner in Yan Hao’s room.

Keeping his promise, Zhong Qiran was dozing off by Yan Hao’s bedside when Yan Hao woke up in the middle of the night.

The first thing he saw was the top of Zhong Qiran’s head, and he inexplicably remembered the soft touch of his hair. He wanted to reach out and touch it, but he still lacked strength and couldn’t exert any force, so his hand fell empty. Perhaps being in this helpless state triggered something in him, as he suddenly no longer felt indifferent and had the thought of wanting to recover quickly.

On the other hand, as soon as Zhong Qiran felt the bed shake, he immediately got up. He didn’t notice what Yan Hao wanted to do and just said, “You’re awake, have something to eat.”

Yan Hao nodded. Zhong Qiran felt embarrassed to disturb the cooks at Yan’s house in the middle of the night, so he decided to cook himself. He took out some ingredients from the refrigerator and cooked a bowl of mild and digestible porridge.

He took a bite himself to check the temperature, and then used a spoon to feed Yan Hao. He performed these tasks naturally, as if he had returned to the past, without any awkwardness.

Yan Hao stared at the spot where Zhong Qiran had just taken a sip, and unconsciously licked his lips with his tongue. The porridge was clearly very mild, but he could taste a hint of sweetness on his tongue.

After having sufficient sleep, Yan Hao naturally had a better appetite. At first, he couldn’t eat much, but gradually, he no longer needed to rely on intravenous nutrition.

After all, he was still young, and his body was rapidly recovering its health. Each day showed more significant improvement compared to the previous day.

On the fifth day, although Yan Hao’s body was still weak, his previous vigor had returned. He could speak and eat without needing Zhong Qiran’s assistance.

So when Yan Hao regained his voice, the first thing he asked Zhong Qiran was, “Are you still going to leave?”

Zhong Qiran looked at Yan Hao. Only then did he realize that this person was indeed different from a few days ago. Yan Hao no longer looked like a child who needed to be coaxed to sleep and coaxed to eat, appearing weak and powerless. Suddenly, Zhong Qiran felt like he had woken up from a beautiful dream and was forced to face reality. He didn’t deny that he had enjoyed these days of being together, with no conflicts, no quarrels, and no external obstacles—just pure reliance on each other. “But he knew that they would always return to reality.

The conditions set by Yan’s mother still echoed in his mind, and he didn’t want to dwell on it too much. He asked Yan Hao, ‘Do you want me to stay? Tell me what you think.’

For the past five days, he had been idle, so he inquired about Yan Hao’s previous treatment methods from the doctor. The former psychologist had been driven away by Yan’s mother, and the current psychologist had also experienced such an incident. He cursed Yan’s mother in his mind and took the time to call the previous psychologist for advice. He hesitated on how to introduce himself over the phone. As soon as the psychologist heard Yan Hao’s name, he immediately understood Zhong Qiran’s identity. He shared some of Yan Hao’s previous counseling processes and offered Zhong Qiran this advice: ‘Patients with these symptoms have no emotional response to things, so the only way to stimulate their own desires is through continuous questioning. It’s okay to anger him; the most important thing is to make him generate thoughts. As long as he is willing to communicate with you, you can continue.’

‘I don’t know, but I don’t want you to leave.’

‘Why?’

Yan Hao thought for a moment but didn’t answer as he had done before.

Suddenly, Zhong Qiran remembered the demands he had mentioned during their last argument, and he immediately regretted it. But at least he understood one thing: Yan Hao cared about what he had said.

He didn’t pursue further or explain himself. He simply stated the facts plainly, ‘But you know, I’m currently pursuing my postgraduate studies. I still have at least another year before graduation.’

If it had been the Zhong Qiran from before, he would have dropped out without a second thought. But after experiencing all these events, he knew that blindly accepting wouldn’t be good. Just like how they had been so loving before, no one could have anticipated that they would break up due to accidents and misunderstandings.

He knew that Yan’s mother disliked homosexuality, but he was even more aware that she actually looked down on him. In such an environment, anyone who was involved with someone so wealthy would inevitably face gossip and criticism, which was understandable.

Zhong Qiran had also endured this kind of pressure before, and Yan Hao had been willing to compromise, moving with him to live elsewhere. 

As long as they were willing to be together, it would always be the same issues. And now he was faced with the a choice once again.

Yan Hao looked at him without speaking.

Such silence made Zhong Qiran somewhat defenseless. He knew that he wouldn’t compromise again, but he could make a slight concession. ‘Can I come back to see you next time?’

He knew his words might sound unconvincing, but he couldn’t make any more promises.

so Yan Hao nodded and said, ‘I’ll wait for you.’

Suddenly, Zhong Qiran remembered Li Qi. Li Qi had initiated a breakup because he couldn’t trust the long-distance relationship. Yet Yan Hao was willing to wait for him, and that was the biggest difference between Yan Hao and Li Qi.

That was why Zhong Qiran couldn’t let go. Having received Yan Hao’s love once, his heart wouldn’t accommodate anyone else.

Before leaving Yan’s house, Zhong Qiran didn’t respond to Yan’s mother’s conditions.

Sitting in the cabin, he watched the plane swiftly ascend, breaking through the thick clouds. Sunlight shone upon the clouds, casting a beautiful golden radiance as if revealing the sun after dispersing the clouds.

He couldn’t help but think of his telephone conversation with the psychologist.

‘Can his condition be treated?’

The doctor on the other end of the phone fell silent and honestly admitted, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t give you a definite answer.’

All they could do was hope for a miracle.

Upon landing in Country M after a journey of over ten hours, Zhong Qiran’s first action was to call Yan’s mother.

He expressed his thoughts rapidly, ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t agree to your conditions. I can’t be separated from Yan Hao, and he can’t be separated from me. If you want to break us up, then go ahead, but I won’t give up.'”

Yan’s mother clearly didn’t expect such a response. She was stunned, unable to react. But before she could say anything, Zhong Qiran hung up the phone.

He simply informed her, whether she decided to understand or not, was no longer his concern.

This was something he and Yan Hao had experienced together, and they had to face it together. Even if the scars couldn’t heal, they would continue to carry this wound forward.