Not Far Not Close

THE NEIGHBOR’S GUITAR

Who’s the God

What’s the miracle are we waiting for

In the end you left with yourself

Too reluctant to pick yourself

You have to face yourself

Who’s give me the whole world

The heart is blossoms in full until it wither..

Faye Wong ( Until it Wither)

Late summer and early autumn’s afternoon.

The sunlight is cut into V shape by the half-closed curtains and lightly printed to the white wall opposite. I leaned over the desk and read Yi Shu’s novel (Until It Wither). I already finish this book along time ago, I still remember Bowen’s worried look, when I finally found the book in the bookstore last year, he looked at me and slowly said, “ Actually , Tianyi, I think it would better for you to read less this kind of books”.

I grinned and answered with Snoopy-like smile.

He lightly patted my head, then we walked one-in-front one-in-the-back on the way home.

It’s also this kind of weather, the sun shone gave his hair a golden layer, and the wind swirled with the last trace of summer heat pass my ears. I hugged my books and grim towards his back. And began to recount my sophomore year with unexplainedable dizziness. For example, learn math well, stop skipping class for watching endless romance tv dramas, stop eating snacks on the stalls, stop fighting with the girls from other class in the cafeteria for the window seat, and so on…

I’m willing to be an obedient girl for Bowen.

Although Bowen and I very different from each other, he can easily solved physic question that confusing to me in just one minute in a very easy way, but he couldn’t understand any of petty essay. For example, my essay that won gold medal in city’s middle school competition, his comment to me was “ it’s too messy, it’s doesn’t make any sense”.

Once I forced him to listen Yang Naiwen’s song together, and it’s a song that I liked so much :

The stars in the sky twinkling, he is together with me, with gentle face softly whispering, looking in to my eyes, a ring appeared in front of my eyes, it’s his promise, love me forever…”

I was crazily listening hoping that he would resonate with me when he suddenly asked me : “what is the title of the song?”

“< Wish me happiness>”

“ It’s a big problem, how come it’s < wish me happiness>, it’s should be <wish you happiness> instead. This is the common sense, the songwriter don’t even understand this small problem, what’s good to listen about this song?”

I almost faint on the spot.

Towards this kid who always make me laugh and worry, I always thought there would be long lasting plot with him. I even started to write a long novel for him, the male lead and female lead would use our names, I was planning to surprise him on his twentieth birthday.

From seventeen until twenty, I once thought it would be a trip full of flowers and sweetness.

Unfortunately, Bowen left me when my novel is half-written.

When I heard the news, it was the last class in the afternoon, we were about to take math test, hence I turned in a white paper, I cant help it, toward this test my brain is blank, I can’t do a single question. That time even one plus one equal how much , I’m afraid I’ve forgot.

“Don’t you always want to have Diskman?” He gave his Diskman to me. “ For you, when you miss me, listen to the songs.”

“ Do you think I’ll be missing you? “. I looked up to him and forced a smile.

“ Maybe.” He said.

I really wanted to give him a slap, but I didn’t. I didn’t take his Diskman , but gracefully say goodbye to him. He pulled me said let’s go I’ll send you home. I shrugged him off said don’t want, its not that I can’t find my way back home. He sighed and said Tianyi you really a child that makes people worry. I wanted to say, you worried about me, then can’t you stay?

Those word are stay in my heart, of course I didn’t say it loud. Because I understood from the moment I knew the truth everything become fixed. For me, Bowen’s good intention to conceal make me humiliated. I stubbornly sat in my seat pretending to be doing my homework. Listen to his heavily panting behind me, and hear him say helplessly “ Then I’ll go first.”

I didn’t answer, actually I couldn’t say a word. When he was really gone, my tears rolling down, falling on the desk, make stuffy echo. Drowned a small line of words written in a pen, that line is “ the sky is blue, I love you very much”.

It was a very blue weekend afternoon, he grabbed my hand wrote word by word. I remember when wrote the word ‘love’, he paused for a while, and that paused really a happiness filled with torture.

At that time the confused me, how can I understand that the worlds only need one night and one day.

Bowen still left the Diskman in my house mail box. It’s just since that, I no longer like listening to songs, that song-lover Xia Tianyi seemed to have a song phobia overnight, when past through the music store, mostly half-running in exaggerated posture.

Since Bowen left, we’ve had less contact, the occasional email just light greetings, and I almost forget, his slender fingers, his childish smile under the sun and those nights when we come home together after self-study, under the unknown full bloom of white flower tree, he once gave me a trance hug.

That’s fine.

A youth love , always worth nothing.

There’s 3 more days to the third year, the holidays seem long and frustrating, but I’m not looing forward for school-beginning. All afternoon I was drown in Yi Shu’s story, and if there any detail that remind me of him , I skipped over without panic. This kind of reading somewhat wicked, saying that don’t want don’t want but inevitably bring out a lot memories from the past.

I tried to closed the book several times but couldn’t, until Old Ye knocked on my door house.

Old Ye was my father collegue, live on my neighborhood. She loved to wear flowery clothes, and speaks loudly. When she sees me, pointing to a big box of books, said : “ Tianyi, I know you like to read books, you pick yourself, the one that you don’t like I’m gonna sell it”.

I knew this is Old Ye’s daughter’s books. Her daughter is my school mate, Wu Meimei.

But actually she’s not pretty, her body are short, sometimes there’s puberty pimple on her face because of studying.

(note : the name Meimei is mean pretty 媚媚)

I often met her on my way back home from school. She gave people feeling of proud and cold girl, but I don’t hate her, because she’s deserved to be proud.

She’s got into Beijing University.

The school that I only can dreamt about.

“Do you want to go to Beijing too? “ . I asked Old Ye as I buried my head in the box of books. The old-fashioned Wu Mei, she actually read ( Jane Eyre), but it’s chinese-english version. I put it back and start to pick again.

Old Ye said, “ Yes, Wu Mei’s father had been working in Beijing, and I retired anyway, this time the family can reunited.” When she said this, she suddenly remember ,” Oh right, my house here is rented by newly-graduated college student, he’ll arrived in a few days, but tomorrow we’re going to Beijing, I put the keys in your house, let him come to your house to get it, how do you think? “

“Okay” I said.

Wu Mei’s books are really a lot, but all of them are useless, and I randomly hugged a few books into my arms to give Old Ye face. Old Ye quite nice, when she make something delicious she sent it to my house, when she’s watering flower on the balcony she’s stretch out to watering my family’s flowers too, completely different with Wu Mei’s coldness, she’s a naturally enthusiastic person.

She patted my shoulder and said, Tianyi you need to take the exam properly, it’s your turn next year.

“ I’m not half as good your family’s Wu Meimei”. I said shamefully.

“It’s not like I don’t know you!” Old Ye’s voice so loud I couldn’t stand it. “ First prize in the essay competition, our family’s girl only won third prize !”

“It’s devil’s way “ I laughed. (Note : devils way its means she used evil way to win).

I knew this matter are Old Ye’s pain, so I simply mocked myself to make her happy.

Sure enough, she stopped talking to me, smile happily and went downstairs with a box of books.

In the next five days, I met Ling Xia.

He brought large speaker and knocked on my door ask for the keys, the speaker was so tall that I hardly seeing his head from behind the speaker.

“ Wait, Aunty Ye said need to check the ID card.”

I bit an apple while I said.

His smiled, and struggled to pull out his ID card from his back pocket, and indeed it was Ling Xia, a name that sound so cold. I gave the ID card and a bunch of keys to him, he received and turn around, grit his teeth and take the speaker away. The moment door closed I realized that his jeans were Leecooper, Bowen’s favourite brand. Actually Bowen was more lavish than me, he will spend all the money to buy pants that looks the same, if he want to buy me chocolate, he will buy me . He had his extraordinary standard, but when I was with him, I couldn’t see him through.

I once regret that he wasn’t smart enough, now when I think about it, it was me who was stupid.

Not only stupid, but also mentally retarded, that’s way these two words ‘ Bowen’ still able to attack my memory.

Mother angrily slam her chopsticks and shout, “ Damn Old Ye, look who she rented the house to?!”

“ Is it a band?” I thought of Ling Xia’s big speaker.

“ No way, isn’t too much?”

“ You!” Mother pointed her finger to Father said “ Go over there and say hello, mess around like this, Tianyi still need to study !”

“ It’s still neighbor, endure it first ” Father said, “ as long doesn’t noisy at night, then it’s fine”.

“Only you can endure it” Mother unhappy. “ Endure until today, it’s still like this, can endure make famous ah?”

A while ago Father said he was going to be promoted to deputy section chief, who knew in the end it didn’t work out. Mother was angry and mention this matter.

Father stop talking, stop eating too. His face was straight and hid on the balcony to smoke.

Mother picked up vegetable, the chopstick and bowl clanking. Seeing that a war could break out, I quickly put down my chopsticks and bowl said : “ Let me go and see it “.

It took me a lot of effort to knock on the neighbor’s door, to be precise not knocking it’s kicking. Until it’s the sixth time the door finally open, it was Ling Xia who open the door, I looked over behind him, and there four five young people, all holding their own musical instruments, speaker tuning machine all available, and there was old microphone in the middle of the living room. Old Ye’s house seemed to transformed into small studio in an instant.

Seeing that it was me, Ling Xia raised his eyebrows, said “ Little girl, what can I do for you?”

I pointed upstairs and downstairs said, “On behalf of people, please stop.”

He smiled and raise his hand said, “ Look, the sky not dark yet, the brothers still playing, you help us to say hello? We stop when it’s nighttime!”

“ Cannot,” I said, “ Need to stop right now “.

“Why?” He still smiling.

“ There’s an eighty-year-old grandmother with heart disease upstairs, and there’s newborn baby that’s need to sleep downstairs. Also, Aunty Wang said, if you don’t stop, she will call 110.”

After hear me said this, the room full of people laughed out loud, Ling Xia said ,“ You girl, you’re quite capable of break it”. After said that, he shouted inside, “ Well, before the doors and windows changed to soundproofed , let’s do the old way, mute practice!”

“Many thanks for the fulfillment!” I’ve got what I want and ready to leave. But he suddenly shout, “ Hello, I’m Ling Xia.”

“I know” I said.

“And you? “ He smiled and leaned against the door. Stuck out a cigarette and asked me.

“ My name is Bing Shan.” I answered carelessly. I thought in my heart, you are , I’m , who is more powerful?

(note also mean below zero, same pronounciation but different word, mean iceberg )

“ Bing Shan? “ He didn’t hear my humour, and said, “ This name is good. Can you tell me when is the appropriate time to rehearse? “

I’m thinking and said “ When everybody is working “.

“ Oh ! Nonsense! “ He said, “ I will be working too at that time “.

“ Then.. Resign!” I finish talking, stepped into house door, Mother look at me satisfied and said, “ Our girl has learned diplomacy, very good.”

Mother thought I only ten year-old.

Seeing me silenced, she said again, “ Right, Bowen just give you a call.”

“ Bowen?” My heart beating furiously, “Which Bowen?”

“ Which one can it be? “ Mother curiously said,

“Bowen whose gone abroad to England ah, I saw that is an international call, and I let him call again later.”

I stared at the phone a long time. And spilled my father’s tea cup.

Mother said angrily, “ Almost a third year student, how could you still clumsy?”

She was always changing her method to remind me that I’m going to be a third-grader ten times a day.

In the end, Bowen not calling again.

One night, the phone was stubbornly silent. He had been gone for almost a year, without even one phone call, and when it finally came, I happened to be away. What exactly this is about?

I go online, my email is empty, because of that unreceived phone call, I wrote a long letter to him, the letter was really long, there’s a lot unspoken things, I typing my keyboard like flying, and shed tears while writing, but when i came at ‘send’ moment , I deleted it all.

Bowen, a name that should be deleted, why mention it again?

It was already late, my parents had fallen asleep. The band next door didn’t noisy anymore, and their silence made me feel bit guilty, because I knew the feeling when you can’t do what you like to do are bad, but actually at this time I wish I could hear some deafening music, maybe I could drown out the messy thought in my heart.

It’s strange, I was thinking about it when I heard the sound of an elegant guitar in my ear. My room’s window was against the neighbor’s balcony, and I was sure that the guitar’s sound was coming from neighbor’s, and it was a wooden guitar, not noisy electric guitar. I pushed open the window, the sound of piano became clearer, and it was incomparably beautiful in the cold and dark night. Next, I heard a voice as clean as Pin Guan * singing a song I never heard before :

*(note: I don’t know who’s this, maybe artist)

My dearest you, dearest you, you say you want to go faraway

……

I leaned against the window listening quietly, my tears burst out.

I never heard a song for long time, the days away from Faye Wong and Yang Naiwen, I always read Yi Shu or Baby Annie, day after day I’m more content, the seventeen-year-old me with superficial happiness and depression on the inside.

The damned-me thought that I never be a colorful seventeen-year-old again.

I didn’t expect to meet such a song by chance. It sang the feeling I had suppressed for a long time, make my heart clear for an instant, and I fall asleep without a dream for the whole night.

The next morning I met Ling Xia when I went out to buy breakfast, he already walk out the door for work, not wearing a jeans, he wore western suit, held a briefcase in his hand, very different with the yesterday’s him. Seeing me, he smiled and said, “ It’s you! Bing Shan! Good morning!”

“Going out so early? “ I asked him.

“ Can’t help it, it’s far, need to change the bus twice”.

“ Then why you rented this house?”

“ Aunty Ye is my distant relative, the rent price only half “.

So it’s like that.

“The one that singing yesterday’s night is it you?” I asked with some compulsion.

He tilted his head look at me and said, “ Oh, you’ve heard it “.

“I want to know who’s song is that “.

“ Mine ah,” He said, “ You like it?”

“ You wrote it yourself? You can write a song? “

I really shocked.

“ Ha ha ha “ His not answering me but laughed and say goodbye. I shout from behind, “Hey!”

“ What? “ He turn around.

“ My name is Tianyi, not Bing Shan, next time don’t call it wrong “

He scratched his head in a daze and said, “ You’re really naughty “.

Looking at his back, I realized that I hadn’t talked to other people like that for a long time, let alone a stranger. At that moment the song I had only heard once came to mind , “Have I ever told you love is my unchanging beliefs?

Have I ever told you love is put someone in the heart forever?”

That’s right, Bowen, haven’t I?

Haven’t I?