Not Far Not Close

Never Ending Autumn

Walking through wilderness I wanted to find a tree to live in

There is sunshine there is water

There is also wind blowing

These are right, those are good

I want to chase I want to escape

Actually I’m scared too

Can it stop like that?

I need more time to think it again

Chen Qizhen << Let Me Think>>

This year’s autumn feels like particularly long. The leaves have long been yellowed, but they are still vibrantly yellow on the branches, refusing to fall. We were doing endless questions and tests, and the school had became a lifeless ivory tower, couldn’t go out and don’t have time to go out.

Ye Xixi had no time to lose weight, pestered Yu Feng everyday to give her lecture. Sometimes, we have time to wander around the autumn’s school. Our steps are mess, arms touching each others. The proof that studying are very torturous mood, Ye Xixi’s lady-like style no longer exist, and has became a casual white sportswear. I casually asked her, “ What school do you want to go?”

“ I want go together with him,” Ye Xixi curled her lips smiled, “ We’re both like Shanghai.”

“It’s very good.” I said.

“ Tianyi, smile please, “ Ye Xixi suddenly said, “ I want to see you smile.”

“ Crazy.”

“ Really, you look good when you’re smiling, but you’re haven’t smiled in a long time.”

“Ai, don’t make fun of me okay?” I beg her.

She shrugged her shoulders. “ Okay, my dear ice-beauty.”

Maybe I was really rarely smiled, but in fact my mood is not too bad, except when I was home, I will slightly depressed.

After Bowen’s funeral, there was a long conversation between my mother and I, saying it was a ‘long talk’. Actually, it was she-talk-I-listen. The end result is that as long as I can get into the top twenty in the final exam, everything that happen before will be written off and no longer mentioned. I don’t know what this so-called ‘everything before’ represents, but for the sake of ear, I accepted the agreement with humiliation.

My uncle heard me say ‘humiliation’ and laughed. Then he knocked on my head and changed the topic and said, “ Fudan Chinese Department, Nanda Chinese Department, Beida Chinese Department, which one do you prefer?”

“What use I prefer to, it still need to accept me first.” I replied sourly.

“ Work hard, you’re not stupid.” Uncle said, “ You were born to learn chinese, and I saw your published works, it’s better than those writers!”

“ College entrance examination doesn’t care about this! Moreover, Mom said it was garbage.” I said, “ Even I published the novel ‘Dance of Desire’ in my teen, my Mom almost fainted when she saw this topic, I knew that she thinking nonsense, actually I only wanted to say that it was just a high school junior student’s desire for a free life, ay!”

“ Ha ha. Do you still write something right now?”

Uncle asked me.

“ Don’t have time.” I said.

I was lying, I had already intended to rewrite the novel that I supposed to write for Bowen but stopped halfway, but don’t know why, when I sit in front of the computer and type, when I think of Bowen, the inspiration will be endless and flashing, easier and faster than any of my last writing.

I willing to believe what Uncle said, that one day I will be healed. Perhaps, writing is the best way to heal the wounds, just like Ling Xia can feel the ultimate happiness in his own singing, writing give me the feeling of flying, no matter under what kind of circumstances, I can not give up.

As for whether publish or not, it’s come in second.

“ Let Tianyi become a writer ,” Uncle said. “ I support you.”

“ Actually, there are many good writer, how can it be that easy. “ I humbly said. “ Being able to do what you love maybe a kind of happiness too, right?”

My uncle looked at me with relief and said, “ Look, you already can say thoughtful things, who still dares to say that our Tianyi is not mature enough?”

“Please, I’m almost eighteen.”

“ What a good age!” Uncle said. “ I dream of going back to eighteen! If I hadn’t been with you so often, I would have felt older and older!”

“ Then we’re going to listen to songs this weekend?” Seeing that he was in good mood, I quickly asked.

“ I’m really sorry, I’m on business trip this weekend. Business is business, can’t help it.”

He pinched his throat to imitiate me speak, “ But being able to do things that we love is also a kind of happiness, right?”

Right, that’s right.

So, in order to be happy, I still decided to go listen to the songs this weekend.

Uncle, this shield unavailable, and to avoid my mother’s endless inquiries, I decided to take Ye Xixi. Ye Xixi was very happy to be my accomplice, because she was also dizzy from her studies and needed to relax. At 7 o’clock that night, Ye Xixi came to my house and with the reason of going to classmate’s house to study, we easily lied, and before 8 o’clock we we’re already sitting inside the bar.

There were not many people in the bar, Ling Xia saw us coming over and said,” Oh oh, two bad girls, it’s almost exam and still come to play.”

Ye Xixi giggled and said, “ You should be Ling Xia, Tianyi always praises you in front of me. I’d like to see how well you sing, or she bragging?”

“Really? Tianyi always praises me?” Ling Xia glanced at me and said. “ I’m not responsible for the disappointment, “ After speaking he waved at the waiter and said, “ Give two glasses of juice for the two young ladies, my treat.”

“NO, NO, NO, red wine!” Ye Xixi messing around.

“ Really?” Ling Xia asked.

“ Drinking juice in a place like this makes people laugh to death.” Ye Xixi said. “ Tianyi, don’t be afraid, I protect you.”

“ What am I afraid of, afraid that I won’t be able to drink more than you? “ I said.

“ Two ladies, take it easy. You’re both can not get drunk. I still can take one person, but carrying two persons become problem.” Ling Xia said this and the band on the stage already urging him with music, he waved at us and quickly went on the stage.

Ling Xia said, “ The first song, which the band just finished writing today, called < Silk Street at 2 am>

“ Interesting.” Ye Xixi shook her head and said, “ Listen to it.”

Ling Xia’s voice is very flexible, it’s deep when it’s low, and it’s natural and light when it’s high.

And there some hoarseness in some places, which make people immersed in it :

2 am in the morning

I walked on the deserted Silk Street

The autumn that year

We promise here forever

The you today

Has flown to the sky

That’s why this year’s autumn

Ye Xixi said in my ear, “ I dare say, this guy broken his heart in this street, look at his affectionate face!”

“ It’s just a show.” I said, “ How is it? How is the singing?”

“ It’s okay.” Ye Xixi looked quite professional, “ But this kind of band is not promising.”

“ So what?” I asked her.

“ Too emotional, need to be decadent, do you understand?” She said as she twisted her body and sang in a strange voice, “ I don’t want to live, it’s boring to live, I don’t want to f**king live…”

I quickly covered her mouth.” What are you singing, scared to death!”

“Really!” Ye Xixi said seriously, “ I have seen a lot of underground band performances, all of them like this, after 12am, they sing with a little ‘color’, they’re too pure, ho ho, it’s too hard for them.”

“ Yikes!” I widened my eyes and said,” Can’t see that you are quite bold, you also watch this kind of performance?”

“ No,” Ye Xixi quickly shook her both hands, “ Only heard about this, not seen it in person.”

“Who said that? Yu Feng?” Looking at her anxious look, I deliberately teased her.

“ Him?” Ye Xixi leaned her head over and said, “ Timid like a mouse, do you know that when he holds me, his whole body will tremble, hehe…”

“SHUT! What!!!” I cover my ears and say, “Are you drunk, nonsense!”

“Tell me the truth!” Ye Xixi continued to come over and asked, “Did Bo Wen ever hug you? Did he, did he?”

He did.

I still remember that it was once after the evening study, in order to walk a little longer, we took a roundabout way home. We passed a very strange tree with white flowers on it. I leaned against the tree and his hand came up and held the trunk. The sleeve gently pressed against my shirt. I didn’t dare look at him, so I tilted my head up to look at the sky, which was full of stars that made me dizzy, and then he gave me a tug: “Let’s go, Tianyi, it’s time to go home.”

That should have been our closest encounter, an endless stream of abominable memories that happened on the autumn.

” Stop it.” Ye Xixi said as she took a large sip of wine, “Your face is red!”

I was a little annoyed and snatched off her glass of wine, slammed it on the table and said, “Stop drinking, talking nonsense is really annoying!”

“It’s you who’s annoying!” Ye Xixi suddenly shouted, “You have a face all day long, as if the world owes you. But what’s wrong with us, Bowen is dead, dead! This is the truth, you must accept it!”

Her shout was so loud that a lot of people turned their heads towards us, and the music on stage made a slight pause, Ling Xia was singing and looking at us worriedly.

“You have no right to make him that worried.” Ye Xixi’s voice from high shout turn low, mixed with an inexplicable sense of sadness.

“What?” I didn’t understand, “Who are you talking about?”

“Yu Feng!” Ye Xixi said word by word, “I said Yu Feng! He cares about you, he only has you in his heart, don’t pretend you don’t know! Don’t think that I don’t know that you are pitiful all day long just to get his attention and sympathy!” After she finished, she stood up and flew out.

I finally got it, but what is all this nonsense! It was hilarious!

I sat alone, my mind in a mess. Even in frustration, all the strength was lost.

After the song was over, Ling Xia soon came down from the stage and he sat next to me and asked, “Your friend, what happened to her? Why did she leave?”

“She’s crazy.” I said.

“Look at you, don’t cry. It’s only natural for little girls to quarrel. It will be good when you see each other again.”

“Ling Xia.” I said, “I don’t know why, but Iately i’m in a lot of trouble.”

“Then hold out your hand and let me tell your fortune?” Ling Xia said, “Let me see when you are lucky?”

“Can you?” I was half convinced, but the palm of my hand was already on the table.

“En.” Ling Xia looked at it and said seriously, “Recently there’s trouble, because it’s autumn, but it’ll be better when winter comes.”

“But, you just sang, the autumn is never ending.”

Ling Xia laughingly stretched out his hand to hit his face and said, “Take me as blind singing! Here comes a happy one!” After saying that, he jumped on stage in big steps.

You are not allowed to cry oh

You’re not allowed to cry

If you cry

I will tickle you

Hey, don’t you laugh!

You are not allowed to laugh

If you dare to laugh

I’ll be late

I am late on purpose

To make you sad and make you anxious

My dear girl, listen carefully

You are not allowed to cry or laugh

Only you are allowed to stay with me quietly

Stay with me until I grow old

Ling Xia sang and gave me a big thumbs up, the customers in the bar booed, ambiguous eyes were thrown at me, even the waiter deliberately came up to me and said, “Don’t look bitter, I want to grow old with you.”

I was really crying and laughing.

It just so happened that a female singer came to audition that night, and Ling Xia said to me, “Come on, let’s go home together today.” After that, his long arm was placed on my shoulder, and he dragged me out of the bar by my clothes.

I brushed his hand away and walked forward alone.

He laughed and said, “You’re shy, little girl.” He caught up with me and said, “Don’t worry, I’m a hundred percent decent guy.”

“The villain says so about himself.”

“At a glance, you can see that I am a villain, great.” Ling Xia said, “How about it, are you in a better mood now?”

“Ling Xia, if I say the world is quite funny will you scold me for being old-fashioned?” I asked him.

“Old fashioned.” He looked at me and said, without any expression on his face.

I laughed and asked him, “Did you write all those songs yourself?”

He didn’t answer me, but said, “Yes, that’s right, you look good when you smile.”

I remembered Ye Xixi, she also once said, I look good when I smile. Oh, Ye Xixi, it turned out that she hated me so much, but I always thought we were still good friends, can this world still be said not funny?

“What are you thinking about?” Ling Xia said, ” Flattered until spaced out?”

“I suddenly want to go see a tree.” I said to Ling Xia, “Will you go with me?”

He thought for a moment and nodded.

So he and I took a taxi to the street where Bowen and I had walked side by side. I hadn’t been to that street for almost a year, and everything was the same, except that the tree had no flowers, and I even suspected that the tree full of flowers that night would be a beautiful illusion on my part. Ling Xia stood by my side with tolerance and silence, and only after a long time did he say, “Tianyi, you’re really a strange girl?”

“Is that so?” I turned my head to ask him.

“Yes.” He said with a smile. Quickly adding, “But quite cute.”

“Thanks for the consolation prize.” I said.

He laughed again, “In case you forgot, you gave me great advice the first day we met, and to this day, I’ve been thinking about it.”

“What is it? What advice?” I really don’t remember.

“Resign.” Ling Xia said, “You walked towards your home and then turned around and asked me to resign, and I was like, “How does this girl know me so well?”

I remembered, at that time Ling Xia asked me when the appropriate time to practice, I just blurted out that he should resigned, who knew he would care so much.

“Fate is a very strange thing. I’m glad you like my song, it means we have a destiny.” After Ling Xia finished, he suddenly pulled me and said, “Come on, Tianyi, it’s time to go home.”

The tone of his voice was the same like Bowen’s that night. I fell into the time in an instant, my heart wandering for a long time before back to my own body.

“Let’s go.” Ling Xia said again.

“Oh oh.” I responded in a flustered manner. Suddenly I remembered Ling Xia’s song.

Oh, this never-ending autumn. Oh, this scarry short oath. Oh, the old days that I can’t forget. Oh, oh, this deserted Silk Street at two 2am …

Oh, what should I do to get out of this never-ending entanglement of the past?