Not Far Not Close

White Christmas

The last few days of December were terribly cold

I was separated from you for a whole year

I gave myself my first Christmas Eve

Dissolving in the crowd, warm music played on the radio

The people on the street , how sweet is the double-heart, single tears are salty

I understand the couple’s snowy days

The snow falling in the heart no one can see

Xu Huixin “The couple’s snow days”

Mother talked to him for a long time and couldn’t get it right, so she threw the phone away in anger.

” Don’t think nonsense.” Seeing that she was in a panic, I confessed myself and said, “I just went to his house to look at his CDs, and he has a lot of them.”

“How do you know he has a lot of CDs?” my mother’s response was quick.

“He’s in a band, of course he has a lot of CDs.” I continued to explain in a faint voice, even though I knew it was useless.

“How do you know he’s in a band?” She continued to press.

This time I relaxed and mumbled, “Everyone in the building knows.”

“Don’t you talk back to me!” Mom roared, “Get down on your knees!”

I suspected I had misheard her. Ever since I was a child, my mother had never been so mean to me, even though she was a bit critical. I looked at her blankly, she saw that I did not respond, picked up a book on the table and threw it at me, it was a reference book that I had just bought, the book is not thick, and she rolled it up, and hit me hard one after another. I did not dodge, let her hit, she finally hit me in the face, the pages of the new book in my face cut a bloody scar. She then stopped and sat down shakily on the sofa, covering her face with her hands, muttering, “The sky is falling, my daughter is actually like this, the sky is falling!”

Her pettiness made me ache. I looked at her silently for a few seconds, turned around and went into my room. Afraid that something had happened to her, I dialled my father’s cell phone in the room to get him back early, but he must have been too drunk to answer. I opened the door again to take a look at my mother, who was still sunken into the couch, crying at high and low. I know what she is thinking, her daughter has fallen, her daughter stays with boys every chance she gets, her daughter has shamed her …… I feel both sympathy and resentment for her, but I really can’t do anything about it,  I really don’t know how I can make her believe in my innocence.

It was after 10pm when Father finally came home, and it was my uncle who drove him back. Mother locked herself in the bedroom and refused to come out, so I went out to open the door. Uncle helped Father sit down on a chair and asked me, “Where’s your mother?”

I pointed to her room with my chin.

“What’s wrong?”

” Mad at me.”

“What did you do that upset your mother again?” This time it was Father who spoke, and although he was unsteady on his feet, he seemed to have a clear head.

“Ask her when you’re sober.” I said.

” How can you talk to your father like that,” Uncle instructed me, “Go, pour a cup of hot tea!”

When I went to the kitchen to pour the tea, I heard my uncle knocking on my mother’s door, but there was no sound inside for a long time. When I came out, my uncle said anxiously, “Is your mother inside? What’s going on?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

At this moment, my mother pulled the door open, looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, I’m not dead yet. It’s not time for you to fool around!”

“I’m not fooling around.” I spoke back unconvincingly. Uncle made a hand gesture, signaling me to keep quiet.

Mother walked to Father, threw the tea I poured to him to the ground and said in a stern voice: “You drink, you drink, your daughter will be worthless than you, let’s see how you can still drink!”

Father thick eyebrows scrunched up, shaking and stood up and said, “Who …… who said my daughter is worthless!”

“Me!” Mother screamed, “I’m the one who said it, don’t believe me we’ll see!”

Father laughed and went up to pull mother: “Don’t argue, give brothers to see the joke!”

“You’re afraid of the jokes, they’ve been watching you for most of your life!”

“Sister-in-law, all right, all right,” Uncle hurriedly went up to persuade Mother, “You and big brother go and rest, let me talk to Tianyi?”

“What’s there to talk about with her? From tomorrow, she’ll be locked up!”

“Fine, fine, whatever matters can be discussed tomorrow!”

Mother pointed at me: “I gave your uncle face today, if you have the face to talk to your uncle yourself, say what you have done, how did you become like this, you talk to your uncle properly!”

Mother’s voice was harsh, looking at me with eyes full of resentment, I finally couldn’t help but cry out loud. My uncle took me by the hand and led me into my room, closing the door behind me.

“Say it say it!” Uncle helped me sit down, “What’s going on?”

“I smoked, did drugs, fell in love and became a dancer!” I sobbed and rambled on.

“That’s too much!” Uncle glared, “Tell me properly!”

“That’s how I seem to my mother anyway! But God knows, I was just coming out of the boy’s room next door and she saw me, I just went to listen to a song, what’s wrong with that?”

“The one on Silk Street?” Uncle has a good memory.

“En, his name is Ling Xia.” I said, “We’re fairly normal friends. His music gives me a lot of comfort when I’m unhappy. Believe it or not, that’s all there is to it.”

“I believe.” Uncle smiled, “But I want to tell you something, tonight your mother only ate a tiny bit before she thought of coming back to bring you food, she said to me herself that I have to hurry back, I can’t let Tianyi eat instant noodles, there is an exam coming up, that stuff is not nutritious at all.”

My heart shrank a little, and I also believed that what my uncle said was true.

“Don’t argue with your mother.” Uncle said, “It’s true that you have a generation gap with her, but it’s not just your mother’s responsibility to fill it up. If you were to make friends with mother about everything, she wouldn’t have so many doubts about you.”

“It’s too hard.” I said, “There’s no way to communicate.”

“Then take your time.” Uncle said, “Your grandmother still controls me until now, not to eat too much fat ,not to talk too much with the female secretary ,not to talk on the phone for more than half an hour, simply more dominating than my wife, ha ha, to control the children from head to toe is the common problem of all mothers in the world .”

“You just defend her!”

“That is the appearance.” Uncle laughed, “You really do not know who I protect? Go to sleep, when I am free, you go with me to Silk Street to listen to songs?”

“Really?”

“When has uncle ever lied to you? But I have a condition!”

“Say it.” I sigh in defeat.

“Get your mother coaxed by the weekend, good night.” After Uncle finished talking, he picked up his coat and went home.

When I fell asleep at night, I vaguely heard the sound of guitar again from the balcony. The tune, which I had never heard before, seemed long and lonesome. I was so sleepy that I didn’t get up and just went to sleep.

The next day my mother left earlier than me as usual. Father’s sobered up and asked me, “What were you arguing about with your mother again last night?”

“Ask Mother.” I said.

“She told me to ask you.” Father said, “You two enemies, what can I say?”

I asked father as I sipped my porridge, “Do you also think I’m becoming hopeless now?”

“Who said that?” Father looked at me and smiled affectionately and said, ” I know my daughter within my heart.”

“But mother ……”

“Ai!” Father interrupted me and said, “Don’t take it to heart, your mother’s suspicion is not a day or two, besides, if she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t care about you, you just pretend you didn’t hear what she said, eat, finish eating and go to school.”

I nodded my head.

Winter has finally arrived, the morning sky is dark gray, I wore a thick cotton jacket but still shivering with cold. At the entrance of the neighborhood, Ling Xia in a suit suddenly appeared in front of me: “Tianyi, good morning!”

“Good morning.” I don’t know why, I didn’t dare to look him in the eye.

“Last night, is everything okay?” He asked me.

“What is it?” I wanted to save my face and cover up.

“Oh, that’s good.” He said, “Had me worried all night. I saw your mother earlier, she went to work.”

“Yeah, my mother works pretty far away, so she left early.” I suddenly remembered, “What are you doing here so early?”

“Nothing.” He said, “To get some fresh air. You better get going or you’ll be late.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Wait.” He took a piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to me with a phone number written on it and said to me, “This is my cell phone, call me when you want to listen to the song.”

“Okay.” I took the piece of paper and said goodbye to him again.

After saying goodbye, we headed off in different directions. I suddenly remembered the very popular book , “Go Left, Go Right”, and this groundless connection made me feel very uneasy inside, so I tried hard to weed it out.

The school is still the same, senior classrooms always have the tension that can not be driven away. The crazy side of Ye Xixi has finally passed. When she spoke to me, her voice was thin, her eyes looked out the window, and she looked indifferent to everything. I copied the phone number Ling Xia gave me in my notebook, and then tore the paper into strips and threw it out. Ye Xixi’s glanced and said, “Is it a phone number or a love code?”

“I’m not as romantic as you.” I laughed lightly and pressed her head into the book on the table.

We were both careful not to mention the name Yu Feng. But I recognized the reference book, the one Yu Feng handed to me but I didn’t take it. In gym class, Ye Xixi twisted her foot accidentally, and Yu Feng was the first one to run over and carry her to the infirmary. I foolishly followed behind, Ye Xixi made a face at me on Yu Feng’s back. The sweetness of love makes her forget all the pain, I’m so envious of her.

Ling Xia and I did not see each other for many days. I buried myself in endless questions every night, closed the doors and windows tightly, and stopped going to the balcony to look at the stars. I knew that my mother had been watching me secretly, but she couldn’t catch any hints, so she finally relaxed a little. At the end of the week, my uncle called to tell me that he had hired a new math tutor for me and that he would be coming to my house in the evening.

I said, “Wasn’t the last one good?”

“This one is better.” My uncle said, “It’s a girl, she’s very capable, and she should be able to communicate with you.”

Oh, it’s a girl.

I realized that it must have been my mother’s idea.

The tutor came on time, a white and fat girl. I wanted to find out her bottom line, so I gave her a lot of difficult questions, but the girl was always able to solve them all with certainty. I looked at her and raised my thumb, she smiled a little and asked me, “I passed the test?”

My face turned red.

“My name is Luo Lin.” She held her hand out to me graciously.

“Oh, the one who wrote Harry Potter?”

“High school students like to show off.” She was no slouch, “Xia Tianyi, your uncle paid me double the price, and I have given a military order to make your math skyrocket.”

“It’s not that easy.” I scared her, “Beware you have to pay him double.” I realized that my uncle was paying for my tutoring, but he never mentioned it in front of me. There was nothing to say about my uncle’s treatment of our family.

“I’ve read the novel you wrote.” Luo Lin said, “It’s good.”

“My uncle showed it to you?”

“NO.” Luo Lin brought up a magazine in which I was often published in, and it seemed she wasn’t bluffing. I took a liking to her and asked her, “You’re still in school?”

“I’m the chief financial manager of your uncle’s unit.” She squeezed her eyes at me smugly.

“Oh, my uncle is quite good at recruiting people.” I said.

“I got this job with my fist.” She chuckled, “Do you believe it or not?”

“Don’t believe it.” I looked at her and thought she looks so fat, can she sumo wrestle?

“They recruited, I went to apply, but the personnel director thought I was too fat and refused to even let me fill out the form. In a fit of anger I took all my information to your uncle’s office and slammed my fist down on his desk. Unexpectedly the next day, hehe, I received an offer of employment.”

“Haha.” I laughed, “I didn’t hear my uncle mention it.” But because of these few conversations I took a liking to her and make her a cup of coffee. Mother whispers and asks me, “How do you feel about this?”

“It’s good.” I whispered, “But why do you want my uncle to pay for tutoring?”

“I didn’t force him, he paid for it voluntarily. Besides, what does a child care about that?” After my mother scolded me, she turned her head to the TV and left me alone.

I think she really suffered, afraid of affecting my study, so she literally “watched” the TV. She didn’t dare to make any noise. Father went out to play cards and would not come back until twelve o’clock. I think mother is also quite lonely, so I made an extra cup of coffee and put it in front of her. She glared at me and said, “I’m not used to drinking this!”

But the cup was already served.

I go back to my room and study math with Luo Lin, when she teaches me the problems, she is clear and articulate, often let me have a good feeling.

I am happy, it seems, my math is really saved.

Ye Xixi congratulated me with wontons in her mouth. I couldn’t eat the food in the school cafeteria, so we went to a small store outside the school to eat wontons. Ye Xixi said, “Tianyi, as long as your math score improves, you’ll be able to get into a major university.”

“Who said that?” I said to her.

“Yu Feng said so.”

“No wonder, whatever Yu Feng says is imperial decree.” I continued to teased her.

She giggled, “You should also take the Shanghai school, you’ll have fun then.”

“You’re so full of jealousy, I still want to keep my teeth.”

She picked up her chopsticks and hit my hand on the table. This was the first time we mentioned Yu Feng so easily after the last incident. It seemed that those hard feelings have passed, which was good.

So when I received Yu Feng’s greeting card early on Christmas morning, I was quite calm. Because Christmas is also my birthday, what Ye Xixi envies most about me is that my birthday is on this day.

It was a paper greeting card in an envelope that looked thick, and I just jumped off the bus when Yu Feng came up to me and handed it to me and said, “Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday.”

“Thank you.” I took it, “Looks like I’ll just have to send you an e-card back.”

“That’s okay.” Yu Feng and I walked and said, “You’ve been making fast progress in math lately, the last problem you actually used such a simple method, I can’ t even think of it.”

“My tutor is quite good.” I said.

“His transportation fee is due, right?” Yu Feng really has a good memory.

“Changed one long ago, now it’s a girl.”

“Heh.” Yu Feng said, “Don’t you want to see this greeting card?”

“Sure.” I opened it in front of him. Once I read the words on it, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down. It was Bowen’s writing, a little distorted, but it was definitely his! It read, “Dear Tianyi, have a Merry Christmas without me, Happy Birthday, and Happy Everyday with Life.”

“This is what Bo Wen wrote in his sick**.” Yu Feng said, “He asked me to give it to you on your birthday. Don’t cry, you should be happy, right?”

(T/N: it’s really ** in the original text, don’t know why it’s censored )

I wiped away my tears, my heart was hundreds times lighter.

“Let’s go.” Yu Feng pulled me, “Or we will be late.”

Ye Xixi standing in front of the school, she smiled happily, handed a beautifully wrapped box to me, also wished me a happy birthday. And instructed me to open it only when I arrived home. Yu Feng quietly walked past us, at school, he always did not talk much with Ye Xixi.

“Don’t get the wrong idea.” I said, raising the card in my hand, “It’s from Bowen.”

“Yah!” Ye Xiao Xiao’s little face turned white with fear.

“Don’t misunderstood, he wrote it down before he died and asked Yu Feng to pass it on.”

“Phew~” Ye Xixi patted her chest, let out a long breath and said, “Bowen understands feelings, look at Yu Feng, I don’t know when he will be enlightened oh.”

“Haha.” I put the greeting card and YeXixi’s gift carefully in the school bag, said, “You are in the blessing without knowing the blessing. If he was still around, arguing with me every day I would also feel happy.”

I said seriously, can’ t help but be somewhat sad. Ye Xixi hold my arm without a word.

But I don’t know why, I actually slightly hate Bowen, hate him so self-righteously disturb my heart. I did not have a peaceful day of classes. The day slowly clouded over when school was almost over, and the snowflakes began to fall leisurely, and everyone called out through the window, saying that they had not seen such a heavy and beautiful snow this year.

The campus soon became a snowy white.

Y Xixi hold her both hands and said to me, ” Is there a birthday party tonight?”

“It’s not like it’s the weekend.” I said, “The tutor is coming, and I have to go to class after dinner.”

“That’s not fun.” Ye Xixi said, “There are a lot of parties tonight, I want to ask Yu Feng to go out and relax together, do you think it’s okay?”

“Why ask me about the two of you?”

“To hear your opinion.” Ye Xixi said, “Snowy Christmas, don’t be too beautiful oh, stay at home and read a book is a waste!”

“I hope you two have fun.” I said.

But that night, Luo Lin did not come to teach, she called with a happy voice to say that tonight is a holiday, I asked her: “Is your boyfriend asked you out?”

“Don’t worry about it, little girl.” She was really happy, laughing like there was something over there, “I’ll come tomorrow night.”

“Okay, Merry Christmas.”

My uncle also called to congratulate me on my birthday. He asked my dad to give me a new phone and apologized that he couldn’t come to deliver the gift in person, and I said, ” The gift is too much, mother is not happy.”

“Ha ha! As long as you are happy.” He was really busy and hung up quickly.

I was so excited to take pictures of my dad with my phone, and then go to the kitchen to take pictures of my mother afterwards. “Keep it away .” Mother was carrying a big fish and said, “I won’t give it to you until you get into college.”

“Let her refreshing.” Father said, “The use of cell phones are everywhere in secondary school students, our section Xiaoli’s son in kindergarten also use the phone, what are you nervous about? “

” If not poor, will be nervous?” Mother words has another meaning in it , father no longer speak.

(T/N: the word father said 穷紧张 when it said together means nervous, but when it separated, the first word 穷 means poor, and the rest 紧张 means nervous, so its like sarcasm when mother said that.) 

But Mother continued: ” When you are as bold as your brother, then I will not worry.”

“Got it! It’s my daughter’s birthday, so shut up!” Father also shouted.

I couldn’t eat because they were so noisy. After two bites, I sat down at my desk to read a book, while my father went out to play cards and my mother watched silent TV. I took Bowen’s greeting card out of my school bag, afraid to take a second look at it, and stuck it in my diary. Open Ye Xixi’s gift, it is actually a set of genuine Huang Shujun, last time after hearing at Ling Xia’s house I had mentioned it to her, I did not expect her to be so thoughtful.

Oh right, Ling Xia.

I haven’t seen Ling Xia for a long time.

I found out the cell phone number he left me and tried to send him a short message on the new phone my uncle gave me: “This is Tianyi, wishing you a Merry Christmas.”

I didn’t expect him to reply quickly, “It’s snowing, where are you?”

“At home. By the way, today is my birthday.”

“Happy birthday, don’t you want to see the snow on the balcony?”

I pushed open the door and was surprised to find Ling Xia actually staying at home. Afraid that my mother would hear me, I lowered my voice and asked him, “Why didn’t you go singing?”

“I’m not working on Christmas.” He said, “Your mother is home?”

I nodded.

“Then there’s no way to sing you a birthday song.” Ling Xia said, “Can you listen to the radio?”

“Yes, I have a Walkman.”

“FM 99.4, listen to Haitian’s program at 10 pm, he is my buddy, I’ll send you the song.”

At this point mother pushed the door and came in, I hurriedly waved my hand with Ling Xia back to my room. Mother was surprised to see me walking back from the balcony and said, “Aren’t you cold?”

” Looking at the snow.” I hurriedly closed the door behind me.

“It’s almost exam time.” Mom said, “Don’t bring your phone to school, understand?”

I handed her the phone on the table and said, “You put it away. “

She hesitated: “You can put it away yourself, you’re another year older, don’t keep worrying me. It’s your birthday, go to bed early if you don’t want to study.”

I nodded, and she went out.

At ten o’clock at night, I turned on the radio on time to listen to Haitian’s program, Ling Xia really did not bluff, the first song was given to me, Haitian said: “Ling Xia gave this song to the little girl next door who loves to listen to songs Tianyi, wishing her a happy birthday and a merry Christmas. And wanted to say to her, thank you for always being willing to be my only listener.”

It was an English song, “White Christmas”. I liked it so much that I sent a short message to Ling Xia to thank him. Ling Xia returned after a while: “If you are not afraid of the cold and do not want to sleep, open the window at twelve o’clock at night to listen to the song.”

I waited until twelve o’clock.

Ling Xia showed up as promised, he was singing with the window open, snowflakes must have drifted onto his face, but his singing voice was still so warm and melodious , make me captivated :

When the bells come with the Christmas blessing

Like announcing that the year is over

I received your gift unexpectedly at this moment

Like the wind stirring up the calmness of my lake heart

In the letter you said you were far away

Where the winter snowflakes are flying

You asked me if I was still happy

Whether I also enjoy solitude too

Merry Christmas I wish you

You said you’d never leave me again

I’ve been waiting for this Christmas

You said let me have the happiness tonight

Merry Christmas I wish you

There are heavy fireworks in the night sky

I’ve been waiting for this Christmas for a long time

Please don’t come into my life again

……

I couldn’t help but run out onto the balcony just as he stood up after singing, guitar in hand, snowflakes drifting onto his hair and eyebrows, and surely onto mine.

“Did you like it?” He asked me.

“Ling Xia, you could be a singer.” I said from the bottom of my heart.

He smiled and answered me, “A girl said the same thing to me three years ago.”

“She left you, so you always sing these sad songs?” I asked smartly.

“En.” Ling Xia said, “Go to sleep, don’t catch a cold. Keep the doors and windows closed.”

I nodded and went back to my room and sent Ling Xia a short message, “I am willing and lucky to be your only listener and wish you happiness.”

Then, turn off the phone and go to sleep.

The first night of my seventeenth year, the same Christmas, snow in the sky, I slept soundly and deeply.