Chapter 43

He remembered the bright look the boy had when he had first shown pictures to him. The man still clearly remembered that radiant moment even after a decade.

At first, he didn’t have those kinds of feelings. He only thought of him as the fair, squishy, sticky rice cake face with natural brown eyes and hair who he thought was a foreigner at some point. He only had curiosity and pity for the long time playmate with no sociability, who only followed him around and was interested in only him. 

In the afternoon, the boy’s mother would visit Kang Taejung every day. She used to express her frustration that her son, who had just entered middle school, was too blunt in expressing his emotions and lacked interest in all people. However, he couldn’t really agree with her. Since the boy he knew and the one his mother knew were very different. The boy was always interested in him, curious and questioning his facial expressions, actions, and feelings.

The boy’s blind attention was sometimes annoying but since the attitude with which he treated the others was totally different, it gave him some sort of superiority complex that his existence was special and different. And so, even though he tried to be of seemly behavior and say comforting words to her, he actually thought the boy’s mother knew nothing about her son.

‘Look at this.’

‘What is it?’ 

‘I took this photo.’

It was a summer day that had one sweating buckets even if they were sitting still. A refreshing face which was completely contrary to the heat, peeked his head through  the door. When asked why he came first, he stretched out his arm with a shy expression on his small face. The boy had a picture of a morning glory in full bloom. Kang Taejung frowned and murmured grumpily at the photo of a morning glory with nothing else.

‘Why is a boy taking pictures of flowers?’

‘Does it look bad?’

‘I’m not sure.’

He chewed at the inside of his cheek, which still had baby fat, and rummaged in his pocket again, then stretched his arm all the way. Taejung-ah. The young voice called him.

‘I took a picture of something else too.’

‘What?’ 

‘This.’

‘How does it look?’

‘How is it supposed to look…?’ 

‘Should I show you something else?’

He couldn’t remember the exact moment but at some point, he began to look in the direction of his father’s camera and thought of how much of a waste it was. No one used it and he hated how they had to sneak around to do so. Since the boy enjoyed it so much, it would be nice if he could use it whenever he wanted to.

But for a middle school student at the time, the price was no joke. Thinking it was only as expensive as a game pack, Kang Taejung visited a store, only to run out as soon as he saw the price on the display case. He didn’t sleep a wink that night, tossing and turning as he considered ways to buy the camera. It was about a month later that he put his thoughts into practice. 

Even though they were friends, it wasn’t so easy for him to decide to sell his game items and account. Still, it was the only thing that could get him the quickest and most money compared to the salary he could get from a part time job as a middle school student. Kang Taejung, who was said to be quite mature and serious for his age, shed tears like a snotty-nosed kid when he handed over his game account. He had secretly fostered it without his parents’ knowledge with all his heart and sincerity for a year.

He didn’t know anything about cameras but he wanted to buy the best one within his budget, so he tried his best to search for it. At the time, the series of processes for comparing which model was good and looking for a better price for the same model was fun. He felt quite proud of himself. And a year passed that way. Although they had been friends for a long time, he tried his best to treat his friend comfortably until he got his camera gift.

‘What’s this?’

‘Can’t you tell? It’s a camera.’ 

As he pretended to act cool and swept at the tip of his nose, the boy alternated between looking at the camera and Kang Taejung with a stunned face. Camera? The voice sounded as stunned as the expression.

‘Who doesn’t know what a camera is? Why are you giving it to me?’

‘Someone gave it to me but I don’t really need it.’

‘Someone gave you? But it looks brand new?’ 

‘I worked part time and got this instead of money. You take a lot of pictures. You can have it.’

‘Wow.’

The money he got was actually a little short, so he sneaked in part of his lunch money. It was a perfect crime. To someone else, it would’ve been a ridiculous lie but this was Ha Joyoon. His naïve friend who was not interested in his surroundings besides his interests, and simply believed everything he saw and heard.

Watching the boy clap his hands and jump around in excitement, he didn’t feel any regret that he handed over the camera that held two months of his hard work. He was just proud to see his eyes sparkle, touching the camera’s main body and lens like it was the most precious thing in the world. That was enough for him. 

For a long time, the boy carried the camera he bought for him everywhere. He cherished, adored, and rejoiced like it was a treasure. At some point, Kang Taejung’s feelings developed into wanting to always make him laugh like that.

As time went by and he grew older, his feelings that were satisfied just by seeing the other laugh, grew even bigger than he expected. What would it have been like if he knew right away? Would they have never been together? Would he have put himself in a bind to protect his love? Or would he be down in the dumps unable to completely shake off his lingering feelings?

He opened his eyes.

The pastel-toned dim scene that had unfolded before him until a while ago disappeared somewhere, and only the cold north wind from the curtains filled the room. He blinked his eyes which were as heavy as a ton. As he grew accustomed to the darkness, the interior of the room gradually became engraved in his sight. He had an illusion that the dark shaded ceiling was hanging together like a lump of filth. 

As he turned to the heavy feeling of an arm, he saw a shadowed face that was deep in sleep. He looked completely different from the smiling boy in his dreams. Kang Taejung quietly let out a breath and was hit with the reason for his feeling of disparity. The strong feeling of cold air coming in and pressing his lungs made him realize that this was the reality he lived in.

Kang Taejung, who was staring at the asleep Seo Youngwoo, moved his arm and pulled his body closer into him. The drunk body entered into his embrace without much difficulty. He knew the other had been struggling recently but he didn’t know how to help. Even while sleeping, he frowned with a painful expression.

Was he having a bad dream? Tears at the corner of his eyes fell in a semicircle over his cheek. Swiping at Seo Youngwoo’s wet eyes with one hand, Kang Taejung recalled a particular someone’s tears in his memory. An intolerable sense of guilt weighed down on his chest. For some reason, however, the cold feeling remained unsettled, and was firmly fixed somewhere in his heart.